NC~ I can't imagine what you must be feeling. You have every right to be upset.
But Donna is right. I don't think there is anything you can do at this point, but Maybe speak to your lawyer about it. She may have a different view on the situation. This is a strange man to your boys, and maybe there is something you can do to at least not let them spend the night with her while he is in the house. You don't know what kind of guy he is, and you want to protect your kids, come from it at that angle.
Worth a try.
I hope you had a relaxing 4th. ((((hugs))) my friend, im sorry you have to even BE without your kids on ANY holiday.
T
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Thanks. I know you're both right. My heart wants to scream "foul!" but my mind tells me it won't do anything but cause more conflict. It's not that I am afraid of confrontation for my own sake (far from it), it's just that I have to remind myself that I want peace and stability for my S's, even at the expense of my own sanity.
I will mention it to my L, but I doubt she will be able to offer any more advice, just charge me for the time to review my question. I need to focus my resources on the bigger picture.
I guess I'm just going to have to pray for my enemies. They really make that extremely hard to do.
Unless you have some reason to believe your children will seriously be at risk, I'd skip talking to your lawyer. It will go nowhere and it is an instance of you putting your hand in to try to control X's love life. It is, quite simply, none of your business. The sooner you can accept that and act in accordance with that belief, the better for you and your kids.
I'm so sorry, NC. I believe your WAS is more of an addict at this point. It's like reasoning with any addict, I don't think it works. I've looked at some of my old emails to H and while I was being painfully logical, I'm sure he just took from that: she's just jealous and wants to keep me away from OP. Or something like that.
I have had these kind of experiences too, and I just try to focus on being the best parent I can be when I have them. I think praying for your W might be the best thing you can do. I don't know about the L or not, I've heard some have worked that kind of stuff into the agreements about not spending nights with OP with the kids there, but I've heard from others that it's unenforceable if they break that. So I don't know. Just that I do think in time your children will realize what's wrong and right, and missing church today won't hurt them in that. I'm sure you are providing the good kind of role model on what kind of person to be. (((((NC))))))
If there were no children involved, that would be one thing. But where my kids are concerned, however slight, it is my business.
I understand what you think you're trying to say, but we part company where you tend to excuse or dismiss the wayward's actions as a course to peace. I totally and utterly disagree with that sentiment, as it just hasn't proven true in my own case where my acquiescence to a selfish control-freak got me into this mess in the first place.
My problem is that I had made the mistake in expecting that the people I love would actually show some integrity by reciprocating my own good faith in them. I put my trust in them to also act faithfully, to uphold their own professed values and commitments. But to some people that is too much to expect, and to hold such views is seen as me trying to "control" them.
OT, you said the sooner I accept your view the better off I and my kids will be. To allow and to effectively bless my xW to do whatever she likes even with our kids. In my case, at the very least, it just doesn't work that way. Any move I have made in that direction has only bought us more of the same grief. Acquiescence is a fool's game -- it doesn't lead to peace but just more turmoil.
But blind belligerence is also foolhardy. I understand that. One has to pick one's battles wisely, and that is what I am trying to do.
Because of my kids, the right course is somewhere in the middle, between your laissez-faire permissiveness and the self-torturing angst of foolishly attempting to change another person's behavior, to minimize the conflict that would ensue from either extreme.
As I stated before, I have chosen to ignore what xW does ON HER OWN TIME -- I have learned the hard, painful lesson that one cannot control another person, which is a serious lesson my xW and many others have yet to learn. And yet I have to endure her sick attempts to play family with the OM using my children.
Moreover I have to weigh the subtle long-term damage to my children from having their sense of right and wrong corrupted versus the damage from their parents at war with each other. I have to hew a course that minimizes the impact on my S's, which puts me somewhere between Scylla and Charybdis.
Nobody said this would be easy. And I don't expect it to be. But I can't bury my head in the sand either. That might mean that I have to bite my tongue when the Emperor (Empress) comes sashaying through the crowds in their new "clothing". Or it might not, depending on the circumstances. But I won't ever be a part of the chorus singing the praises to the tailor's handiwork.
So, do I talk to my lawyer about this particular instance? Maybe not yet. But I will catalog this for future use, if (when) it should prove necessary.
hey NC, yuck, sooo BTDT with x and his 5min. fiancee... I know its infuriating to see our kids being subjected to low morals and bad example, one could go crazy with anger thinking of this. I will tell you what thekids C told me (rather asked me) are you a man of God, do you believe in him? if so, pray hard hard for God's protection for your kids, instill goodness in them so that they know in their hearts what's right (without condemning xw of course) God has your kids in his hands, as he has mine.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Yes, thanks, Cat, that's it exactly. I must pray to God to shield my kids from this as best as possible.
I am still stunned that the person I thought I knew so well would ever do something like this, continue to do these things like this. And I am saddened that she cannot see past her own selfishness long enough to see her duty is to also shield our S's from this. Ironically, if I were to start a R with someone new and to behave with the same lack of discretion, xW would show zero tolerance -- she'd be up in arms trying to ensure I never see my S's again.
And when that time come should God so will it that I meet that next person, I will have the common sense and the decency to not force that person on my S's, and to not even bring her into their lives until we both see and know it is for keeps.
But my ex has her fantasy and she's going to push this and push this until she gets it exactly as she wants. She is oblivious to what damage she does.
I want my S's to continue to love and respect their mother, as best as can be expected given her actions. I just wish and pray that she would actually live up to that love, adoration and responsibility.
With this trial I will be forced to go beyond just defending myself. As distasteful as this is to me, especially for the sake of my kids, I will have to attack her credibility as a parent. I will be forced to say and recount things that will be very acrimonious. I really don't want to, and I don't have the stomach to publicly defame her, but she continues to give me the ammo. Why? Why does it have to be this way?
I pray to God to deliver us out of this disaster, somehow. To melt xW's icy heart and to shield our S's from this turmoil. Why must we wage this war? Why must I have to lose my kids just so her fantasy can be complete?
Personally, I would give your L the heads up on her actions. I'm sure there is nothing you can do about the exposure to om but it speaks to her character. The situation may or may not be relevant but like you said.. You are on the defense and you need all the ammunition you can get to defend your position. Now is not the time to sit back. YOu can do that once the she either drops it or the trial is over.
Hi LO good to see you!!! NC, I'm kind of in a place like you I think. It horrifies me to have to go into court and bring out awful stuff about H that I would rather just try to forget. At least I kind of understand in my case it's about the $$$, but I don't get your X's motivation. Why she would want to go through this stuff is beyond me.
