jojo, I will pray. Try to remind yourself scripture like Proverbs 15:9 "In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
Nothing happens without God's allowing it to. So rest in this assurance, and God's plans for you are to proseper you, not to harm you, to give you hope and a future... Jeremiah 29:11
Surrender your H and your M to God. He wants you to trust Him and wants to be more important than your H and your M. You'll feel much more peaceful when you surrender.
Jojo, try out counselling, especially with EMDR. I think they can help you process the situation in a healthier way.
I'm sorry that you are feeling that way, it can be a horrible, lonely feeling. There isn't anything wrong with you, what you are feeling is natural.
((((jojo)))))
Ok, I'm going to take a huge dose of my own medicine now!!!
Something I do that really helps me is to make a positives list. To the outside world the overall picture is not that great for me, people in real life love to point this out to me for some reason as if that is the thing that is going to make me feel better?? (My h lives with another woman and we are selling our house). However, I know deep down what is important and being consistant and making progress (ok slow) is the right thing for me to be doing. Here are a few of my positives.
- H is moving me into my new place - at his suggestion without me asking. In comparison to his past behaviour of not being engaged in helping me one bit even in an emergency with the house. - H sent me a birthday card and bought me a present (although not sure what it is yet) and signed it 'Hope you have a wonderful day Love H'. Last year he forgot my birthday and was totally disengaged when he found out it had passed. I also have not had a 'love' for a very long time.
Note your progress and see how far you've come. I'd love to hear some of your positives and we can celebrate. It will really help your PMA and keep you motivated.
I am going to my first ever 4th July party on Saturday and I'm excited - being a Brit it isn't the norm for us but I hope you have a wonderful day. Focus on what you have and not what you don't have. You'll find it is more than you think.
Thank you for writing to me. I wanted to put my two cents in here for you too. Listen, you are right. The reason you are feeling squirly is because it's a holiday weekend. Don't underestimate yourself. You are awesome. You are really awesome. Think of all the strides you made and remember, tomorrow is just another "day." Just like any other day. If you can think of it that way, it will be easier to get through that day. I will pray for you.
PH, thank you so much for writing to me. I have been through several emotions since your post. I believe I was just very angry at the time, but I also think I needed to be. I am becoming very aware that my H does not love me. I need to know that. It's a healthy feeling for me. I know he is messed up. But, I can no longer consider that "my" problem. Poet needs to address her own feelings now. To tell you the truth, my separation anxiety has all but passed since he told me the truth. And ... as you say, just because he said it, doesn't mean he means it. Oh well. To bad, I say. It's just too bad. I can no long "not" take him at his word. I have to trust at some point that this is it...there is no hope for us, and it's his loss. Not mine.
Hugs to all, and have a good *peaceful* grace-filled day tomorrow. Thank you all for your support. JCJ, be good to yourself too, OK?
Hi JCJ! Part 1 I've just signed in after reading a very disheartening email from a person who I thought was a friend. I wrote to her expressing my sadness. I thought she would understand. Apparently, she didn't. She told me to get over A because she said, 'he got over you a loooooong time ago'. She said that she often asks him if he could get back together with her. She said, 'He always says No, Never again'. Then, she said, 'so move on!'
So....Wow!
My sadness stems from stresses from work, lack of friends around who emotionally support me, stresses from my parents struggle with their health. I am learning not to open up to anyone. Wow! I guess it is a bad thing to miss people and feel sad. I do not like her anymore.
A started to talk to me again after 1-1/2 years. He took me out for my birthday last year, including gifts. He called me at Christmas to wish me a merry one. He started calling me once a monthish. (that has waned)??? He returns my txt messages. He answers my calls & talks to me with understanding, and he gives advice (even when I don't ask for it). He invited me to his cocktail parties.
But I think I over stepped my boundaries this week with him. I regret that. My friend, K, said that he'll get over it. I hope so. I'm too hard on myself. I think I've been doing all this because I've been feeling emotionally weak lately.
I look forward to more positive things.
Let's keep our eye on the brass ring. OK? (((((JCJ))))))
Hello to PH, Jojo and JCJ. Honestly, I kind of like that we (the four or so of us) are a little incognito. I don't have peeps screaming down my throat every time a make one small backsliding step. It's cool, I think. I'm alone today and to tell you the truth, I kind of like that too ... peaceful ... very peaceful with the birds singing and the slight breeze blowing.
First things first, PH. May I be so bold as to ask again (jojo asked this recently) where does your inspiration come from? Who do you talk to? Are you Laurie in another skin? :):):)
Second, I want to validate what you said to jojo. I am a walking example of EMDR therapy. Too much to detail here, but rest assured I was a basket case six months ago. And today, my "separation anxiety" is nearly diminished. (I whisper that with a slight fear that it might return). Although, I go for full days at a time now with no tremors. Most of the time, it's gone.
Third, jojo, I don't know if I mentioned this or not. Probably not. I recently read the book "The Richest Man Who Ever Lived" by Steven K. Scott. And because of that book, I've been reading proverbs now for almost two months. I think some of my healing is based on that activity alone.
I went to see my priest last week, and when I came home, I read 24:14. It states that when we find wise counsel, we will not be cut off if we live rightly. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head. My thought was that the priest is my wise counsel. We shall see...
Also, I had another idea. Please tell me (all) what you think of this. When we backslide in our DBing efforts, such as when you, jojo, said you did some things that push him away, why not put it out here, in specifics? That way we'll know exactly what took place. And, we can all collaborate in a productive and possible correction for future behavior? Just a thought. What do you all think?
For instance, I called H this morning, and he didn't answer. But,he called me back. (That was a miracle in itself). I wished him a Happy 4th of July. And he said, "You're making it worse." (His famous last words, which he uses all the time). I said, "How am I making it worse?" He said, "It aggravates the s... out of me when you call." I asked, "By wishing you a Happy Fourth?" He said, "Yes." I said, "I wish you would have a change of heart." He said, "If I call, I call. If I don't I don't. Now, Goodbye." He was agitated that I called him at all, not even to wish him a Happy Fourth. He is so messed up. He has so many issues. He's got a long way to go. I guess I really need to never, ever call him. Funny thing tho, I felt better after I hung up. Weird, huh?
Hi Poet, you 'have' come a long way. You 'do' sound more grounded and at peace with what is happening now and beginning to understand that there is healing time for both of you. I think, one day, your H will understand that. I believe it.
My craziness has been my sadness over the bad news of my mother's health. She just had a bi-pass operation a few weeks back. She is doing well ... but ... during the operation not enough oxygen got to her bad eye that she has been undergoing a lot of operations and treatment. They said she had a stroke in that eye and there wasn't too much more to do with it.
The pain she felt was obvious. She sobbed for a day. My heart broke for her. Sooo ... when I went home (alone), I missed my H. (I think that's normal). I broke down in tears. I txt him a happy note "hope you are still enjoying celebrating your birthday". I now know that I should have just asked for 'reassurance because I was sad due to my mom'.
He sent me back a txt w/pix of him and 'his friend' (woman). They say that they are buddies. He said that she made a birthday party for him that night and he was having fun.
To make a long story short...I told him I was jealous. I had already taken 4 sleeping pills because I wasn't sleeping and my mind was mush. He text me to reassure me that I shouldn't be jealous because she is a great girl. I said that I was, too.
He said ... I know you are, I was married to you. But like they say Variety is the Spice of Life.
Since my mind was mush...I couldn't make any rhyme or reason of what that meant (now I do ... funny how we need clear minds) So I text him back a bunch of nonsense.
I called him the next day to ask him to accept my apologize. He said ... 'no apologize needed and no worries'
Trying to feel better about myself. I thought it would be a good idea to stay dark for awhile. Instead, I emailed him a week later. ugh!
Feeling sentimental, (maybe its the holiday, maybe its all the rain, maybe its stress with work and parents health) I went to an old friend that I hadn't spoken to for a year. I want the past to be in the past and not knowing what the future will bring, I don't want any resentments and grudges. I went to her with forgiveness.
I emailed A (since he is a friend with her, too) & expressed what actions I took and the hope that I had. I never rec'd any response until I text him if he rec'd my email. He simply text back 'yes'. Of course, I didn't let it drop. I text him more.
So, I feel bad that I over stepped my boundaries. I feel that I have been too (emotionally) much for him lately and showing a side of neediness. I hate that about myself. I suppose that everyone slips up during times of weakness.
I'm just not sure how many weeks I have to wait until I have connection with him again. I have been feeling a lot more positive and hopeful. I want to show in my actions that I am strong and self-assured (a goal).
So, that's a lot! I hope you understand all that I wrote.
Poet, I commend you for taking positive steps. I am definitely taking your advice and reading more of my Bible. I feel that God has been quiet lately with me, but I will wait on him. Good work, I applaud all the hard work you've done. Better times are ahead. Let's keep our heart and eyes on that promise. Let's feel it while we believe it!
It's OK to backslide. I do it too from time to time, even though not as much anymore. I am better now probably because I have grown a great deal and healed a lot through EMDR.
Glad to hear that you had EMDR too. I love it. It's so quick and effective, isn't it? After I started it, I found so many others who have had it and liked it.
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First things first, PH. May I be so bold as to ask again (jojo asked this recently) where does your inspiration come from? Who do you talk to? Are you Laurie in another skin? :):):)
No, I am not Laurie in another skin, not even close to that. Thanks for the compliment. My inspiration comes from fellowship with other Christians (mostly women) who are in the same boat, and a prayer partner who prays for me very regularly and emails me a lot with Bible verses to encourage me. I am also very inspired by Charlyne Cares devotionals, and from joining a Celebrate Recovery program to heal from my hang-ups due to coming from a dysfunctional family.
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When we backslide in our DBing efforts, such as when you, jojo, said you did some things that push him away, why not put it out here, in specifics? That way we'll know exactly what took place. And, we can all collaborate in a productive and possible correction for future behavior? Just a thought. What do you all think?
Sure, I may not be able to go into too many specifics as I don't feel comfortable going too deep into personal details. Perhaps, we can share enough to learn from the experience, huh?
It was a baby step that your H answered your phone call. It hurts that he scolded you for calling. Try to let it slide off your back - he didn't have to answer so he has no reason to scold you. It's possibe he was in a lousy mood. Would texting been safer for you to try next time? Or maybe a voicemail or email? BTW, I hardly ever call my H. Usually, I contact him via email or voicemail.
What's done is done, re: being needy. Try to think of how you would handle the R going forward now.
Regarding how often to contact him, how about every 2 or 3 weeks, send him a joke email with some words of affirmation? E.g. if the joke is teasing someone, you could say that he isn't like that person at all, and proceed to say how you appreciate or respect him for a particular virtue of his.
