I really appreciate your offer. You're not the only person who has offered to confront xW for what she is doing. My mother in particular has been so riled up over xW's actions that she has practically begged me several different times to let her put xW in her place. (I get my own hot-blooded Scots-Irish confrontational disposition from her and her side of the family.) She can be her own force of nature if (when) she lets herself do so.
If I thought you or anyone in my family could in any way positively influence xW, I'd turn you loose to do so. But my xW has proven how intractable and immovable a WAS can be once they have convinced themselves that their spouse is the chief-most enemy of their "happiness". Anything I or anyone on my "side" might say to her, even in the spirit of good will and understanding, has been proven time and time again to just be more fodder for xW twisting to fit into her reality distortion field. She will not be moved, not by me, not by family or friends, not by total strangers or clinical professionals.
Instead I instruct my mother and others wanting to help our situation to pray to God, for only He can change a person's heart -- but because of Free Will it is still up to xW to allow Him into her heart to be able to accomplish this change. Unfortunately, most of us do not give into God's grace until we have hit absolute rock bottom. Until then we bystanders must pray and be patient for the possibility that a lost soul will rectify their situation through the Lord's help.
Thus it's up to xW.
In the mean time I am fighting hard to not be demoralized by her psychological warfare tactics and the collateral damage this might be having on our S's.
xW has surrounded herself with sycophants, co-conspirators, enablers and other morally ignorant supporters. The very reason for their existence within her life is to support her self-interests and nothing more -- so to them she can do no wrong. I suspect that xW is likely rationalizing, in her own warped way, that she was actually being magnanimous and very conciliatory by allowing me to spend time with our S's on one of her days. I think she is that warped in her mindset, and her supporters play right along with that thinking.
So that too would indicate that xW is beyond reproach.
That's so sweet that both your boys had meltdowns, my D9 does that too. It's a nice way to look at it, that they're having so much fun they have a hard time giving it up.
Well, as much as I'd like to think they threw tantrums on my account, they really just did not want all the fun with the games and activities to end. They're just little kids after all, and who can blame them for wanting it to continue just a little longer still. Right?
How is it going with the letters? When do you have to go back to court/mediation with her?
I've already gotten one letter from a good friend and co-worker. She knows how much a dote on my two boys, and since she has a teenage son with Asperger's she has been a mentor of mine in dealing with S8.
I've also gotten a agreement from S8's den leader in cub scouts. But I'm still awaiting his statement.
As for our former neighbors, I am getting concerned. I think xW has been back to the neighborhood shoring up her story. It might be getting a little too confusing for some of our contacts. I would guess this all must seem like the weeks leading up to November elections, with two parents campaigning for the votes of mutual acquaintances. Funny and sad, but true.
The mediation session is on Thursday. I'm taking the day off -- so far it looks like all of my vacation time and all of my money is going to be sucked into this black hole of a custody battle.
Well, the mediation is over and now the court battle begins. As I have told another friend of mine, that big sucking sound you hear is our finances being drained away by the upcoming legal expenses. While I am gravely disappointed that xW in the end decided to drag us all into a costly lose-lose tragedy, I am not surprised, at all.
We had a very perceptive mediator who kept us both on track and focused on the matter at hand. We each got to state our positions on what xW is asking a court to award her in the way of custody. xW wants to now reduce my time with our S's to just every other weekend only, and with half of the twelve track-out weeks during the school year. Her excuse is that she believes that S8 needs more structure to succeed academically -- structure which she thinks only she can provide, totally discrediting my contributions to our S's lives
The mediator had us each consider a way that we might be able to compromise on the parenting schedule, but in the end neither of us could find middle ground. xW wants what she wants, and I can't allow her to cripple my ability to parent our S's. I told them I am not less competent to raise my S's than xW is.
The sad thing is that the mediator could see that the reason for xW filing this lawsuit had less to do with parenting schedules or for improving the "structure" that S8 needs but more to do with the differences each parent has in coming to agreement for the children's sake. Thus it's a process issue rather than a real schedule dispute. So the mediator tried to coax her into thinking more along the lines of preserving the current schedule and try to come up with other ways we could arbitrate any dispute between us when they occur. She said a judge might very require a parenting coordinator.
In the end, especially when it came to light that xW is also seeking full legal custody as well as "primary" physical custody, it was apparent that xW is really seeking full control over S8 and S4's lives. She wants to have the courts bless her ability to make all the decisions for our S's without any "interference" from me (not that she'll get it however.)
So the mediator then asked me if there was any space I could give. I had already told her that we are already doing the best we can with the current schedule and that I was making do with only having half the time with our S's. Any less and I don't think I can be an effective parent. So she knew that I really could not accept being a father just every other weekend -- and even with having some of the twelve track-out weeks during the year, that would mean I would still miss out on so much of their lives. She knew I had no real room to wriggle, but she posed the question anyway. In the end I had to say no.
So we're still scheduled for a temporary custody hearing on August 14. This is going to be very costly and will destroy every last measure of good will we might have been able to muster, even for our S's sake. I am mourning for S8 and S4 now; they're the real victims here.
...
Oh, another thing -- xW and I exchanged a few words as we walked back to the parking decks outside the courthouse. She is still blaming me for the failure of our marriage and what this is doing to our S's. She continues to deny and deny again that she was ever involved romantically with her adulterous boyfriend during our marriage. She knows I have the evidence and yet she still tries to act like she's totally innocent and that I am insane for suggesting otherwise. "Gaslighting" me, as usual.
But we all know that is just par for this WAW. Sadly.
BTW, I also wanted to tell all my DB friends that I really appreciate each and every one of you for your support.
I forgot to mention something... while I was relating to all of you about the things said in the mediation -- in general, I forgot about the one thing that upset me greatly.
xW mentioned at one point how she now feared for her own safety and for our sons. This is serious. She said that I had contacted a mutual friend and it had scared the both of them to think that maybe I was going off the deep end. I told xW to read the letter I wrote to this friend. I told the mediator that all I had done was to merely ask this family friend, who professed to have a deep Christian faith, to pray for xW as we go through this litigious conflict. I said that xW should know me better than to spread the lie that I was in any way a violent person -- at no time in all our history had I ever shown myself to be violent let alone a threat to anyone's health.
Fortunately, the mediator didn't want either of us to get side-tracked. She said that each of us really knows where we may have crossed a line and if so we need to stop it.
I am fuming now over how xW has sought to portray me as a religious fanatic capable of causing her and our children harm. I am quite certain she's just feigning this fear she expressed just to get under my skin -- and I guess she has: so now I am the one who is scared because she will now say and do anything to get the upper hand. She should be ashamed.
As for the family friend... well, the moral of the story is not to involve such people even if it is to ask them to pray for xW. I am disheartened to discover that some people's profession of faith is but a thin veneer, it would seem.
This court battle is going to cost us both heavily in more ways than one as we each discover just who our real friends are one by one. This is going to be very ugly.
I am so saddened about your situation. For someone to profess to have her children's interest at heart and yet in reality is trying to cut you out of their lives...it is simply shameful. I see a parent that is pretty much hot air about what a great Dad he is(my own ex) and I "see" someone on these boards that feels the true meaning of being a parent.
I think you are correct, the true colors of many of your friends will come out and don't be surprised about the ones that have been bullied into siding with her. I hope the judge is just and can see clearly because I don't think she can bully him or her. I hope for the best in your situation and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I know it's horrible; I'll be all bummed after my mediation Monday I'm sure, but right now I'm feeling like I'm a runner almost at the finish line of a marathon or something. I'm really going to be glad to get over all this, and settle into almost-normal life hopefully. Do you have some of that yet?
Ok, that "friend" sucks, and doesn't sound like a good friend to you anyway. So now you don't have to waste time on them anymore. One thing I've seen is that most people are really supportive of me in my sitch (which I've always thought is a lot like yours), and my H has a couple of immature, self-centered losers who are supportive of him. Woo hoo for him. Personally, if someone is friends with your W, you should probably steer well clear of them. Sad, but true...Karen
I get the feeling that xW actually buys into her own b-s to a large degree -- not entirely, mind you, but deluding herself just enough that she is able to come off as credible to those who around her, who don't bother to really think about her excuses or gather more evidence for themselves.
As for how much her story will influence a judge, who knows?
