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#1789431 - 06/25/09 04:33 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: still.struggling]
Reincarnated Offline
Member

Registered: 03/26/07
Posts: 4427
Loc: USA
It sounds like you may be having panic attacks. (Have you ever watched the Sopranos? The main character gets them - interesting to see). I have been in that dark, dark place, and it is not a good one to be in. You may be helped a lot with meds - do you have medical? Try to get into see your own primary care doctor. They see this enough. If you can get in to see some kind of therapist, even better. But the meds can save a life.

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#1789436 - 06/25/09 04:41 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: Reincarnated]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
T2SP, Trust me, I'm a frugal shopper, and as matter of fact, soup and grill cheese is on the menu for the week probably a bunch of times, lol. No I will not do credit cards, couldn't get one anyway. I do have an application for a gas card I am going to try, that is a MUST have.

Donna, Thanks for dropping in. I do not believe in drugs (happy pills). Last time I took anti-depressents I ended up dumber than than a box of rocks. Life throws curves, they are meant to be dealt with, ie-the human spirit. Plus, doctor + meds = yet another bill I can't pay.
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1789527 - 06/25/09 05:54 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
mishka422 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/07
Posts: 9696
Loc: GA
(((dday)))))

You sound like the exact same place I have been in many many many many times. It's not pretty, not fun, and NOT productive!

I too am completely broke. Don't make enough to pay my bills, got stuck with every debt xh and I ever racked up since he's unemployed and get no CS...again, since he's a complete waste of space. Oops, did I say that? smile

Ramen is awesome stuff! Add a bag of frozen asian style veggies and it's even better. Makes it go further too. smile Spaghetti, chili, hot dogs, Hamburger Helper, and mac and cheese. All 15 cents a metric ton! smile We live on those.

I understand not 'believing' in drugs. I didn't either. I thought they would turn me into a zombie. The panic attacks were so bad though that I couldn't breathe or see and would shake uncontrollably from head to toe. NOT GOOD! Xanax is marvelous stuff for this. Ad's are meant to take off the edge and average out your emotions. If it made you 'dumb' then it was the wrong dosage or the wrong meds entirely for you. If it gets too bad, go to your county health clinic. Do something to save yourself. Don't let it get to the dangerous point of contemplating suicide.
_________________________
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!


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#1789535 - 06/25/09 06:08 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: mishka422]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Thanks,

I want to get out of this without the cost of having to shed crutches, and speaking of costs, it's just not in the budget anyway.

I just don't understand what triggered this or why I even feel this way in the first place at all. I should be happy, I'm free to do what I want, when I want and with whomever I want and wake up each and everyday knowing I no longer have a lying, manipulative, disease laiden tramp for a "spouse" to deal with at some point of the day.

Broke is one thing, that's nothing new, been there done that, story of my life except once I got ahead of things and actually had money, well, I was married, had a nice house and 2 wonderful kids. Well damn, what do I have now?

I'm sorry, meds at this point as always, not an option. I strongly believe they just mask the problems at hand and push them off to a later date with yet more problems on the plate.

I'm also the type of person who doesn't go to the doctor unless I'm dying, so if my pounding chest and head is an indication that a trip to the ER is in the making, so be it, then and there I will see a doctor.
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1789543 - 06/25/09 06:14 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
oldtimer Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/06
Posts: 4475
Actually, the extreme biochemical activity in your brain right now is much more likely to "mask" or distort reality and to interfere with your rationality than well prescribed ADs that allow you to function more normally and get a more realistic/accurate view of the world. Right now, your brain is drugging you, ADs can help correct that.
_________________________
Best,
Oldtimer

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#1789568 - 06/25/09 06:50 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
still.struggling Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/05
Posts: 6532
Quote:
I just don't understand what triggered this or why I even feel this way in the first place at all.


Ummm....HELLO!!!!!! You are going thru a lot right now and that is what triggered it. Once your stablility is broken then the slightest little thing will trigger it. The fear of the unknown is not something everyone can handle. Your mind is working in overdrive right now. How am I going to see my kids? How will I get to work if I don't have money for gas? What can I buy for groceries with $10? You know, all those questions are coming at you full force.

Quote:
Broke is one thing, that's nothing new, been there done that, story of my life except once I got ahead of things and actually had money, well, I was married, had a nice house and 2 wonderful kids. Well damn, what do I have now?


You have your 2 wonderful kids.
_________________________










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#1790053 - 06/26/09 01:06 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: still.struggling]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
New day, new start.

Started my new hours at my full time job to prep me for the prospective part timeer.

Feel a little less dizzy, but the whole thing is still front and center in my mind and won't go away.

XW put the boys up to another investigative phone call last night,However this time, I could hear her happily trying to encourage S11 "hey, your father is on the phone, go talk to him!" . Then afterward, she actually texted me directly for the first time in a while asking if I had a pair of S12's shorts. Iread this as trying to make small talk. I replied back later on that yes he had left an outfit to be washed as it was 90 degree heat last weekend and no power/no a/c, so I wasn't going to send back a smelly unclean outfit.

She didn't reply. So to test the water and see if she was around, and to comply with the settlement agreement, I texted again to say that I had not received any COBRA info on my insurance which she is off of Tuesday. She did reply quickly that "it is ok, I have my own now through work", and that was it for the night.

I don't know. The calls all week have been precisely timed at the same time everyday, alotting so much time beofre OM 'gets home'.

I'm just going to ride the weekend out, and let it be what it is and calm down, get some stuff done around the house before I start the other job.

My gut just says, she is coming around. I don't know why and more importantly as always in dealing with who she is now, is should I believe it?
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1790315 - 06/26/09 08:23 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
And here we go again.....

I had commented earlier in Gabbysmom's thread about buckling to her ex and taking the kids on nights that aren't supposed to be mine. Well, just got a text from XW that the starter went out on OM's car (boohoo) and a car show I was going to take S12 to last weekend that got canceled due to weather is tonight.

Nah, I see where this is headed, she has been up to something all week. So I texted back that I'd love to, but I have plans, of which I do.

Now, I get another text to I guess pitty her because she can't go anywhere being afraid to have to tow it back and now her brother has to come fix it tomorrow. Gee honey, why doesn't OM fix it? Oh that's right, probably doesn't have the first clue what to do. Gee, if I were still in the picture, guess what I'd be doing right now? Leaving work to fix the car so we could all go to the show tonight without interuption.

Nice choice in an alternate life dear! ROFFLOL!!!
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1791233 - 06/29/09 01:01 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
What a weekend! Overall it was good and hopefuly I got all my agnst out of my system before starting the second job. Got an application in while buying parts on Satruday so we'll see how that goes.

Then Saturday night, new person, whom I guees will jsut go forth as GF came over, we hung out for a while and worked through some issues I took out on her and shouldn't have Friday, so we made up from that and then went out with my ocusin to karoake night. And that's where things got crazy. GF left at about 11:30 or so as she had plans for the morning. My cousin and I statyed til god knows when.

So I was outside smoking and this massively built guy starts getting rough with his date. Me not tolerating that type of stuff, goes and sticks my nose in it, and then gets my nose re-arranged. He aplogized for it, was kind of a reflex thing, but man, I just got over S11 breaking my nose a couple of months ago. lol

Anyway, chalked it up to too late at night, too many people and way too much beer. Needless to say, yesterday was recovery day. Finally watched a race for the first time in months and just vegged all day. Made brats when my cousin got home and watched Valkyre (not all what thte previews crack it up to be).

And thus, here I am today, sore hungover, but going strong. Got a call from S12 on Saturday from the phone at their "new house" so I guess they got OM's car going again? Although when I passed by 'her house' Friday, there was no car to be found so I'm calling B/S on that story anyway. I called her cell phone back and get her Voice mail, jsut said I was returning S12's call and that I am not calling the other number, have him call me back. Never heard anything.

But all in all on that front, doing well. I finally put my wedding photo and rings away again. Haven't really had any thoughts or concern of XW and her whereabouts. Checked my employee file today and she off all my benefits so there' ssome money back in my pocket, still nothing on the automatic child support payment so I guess I ahve to call her attorney's office and see what the deal is with that.
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1791768 - 06/30/09 12:43 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Ehhhh, ok?

So last night I get home and make dinner. Just as I'm about to serve, phone rings and it's XW's cell. So I go to answer thinking it's S12 as usual and I am all upbeat and excited to hear from him and put on a happy tone. Who do get on the other end? XW, sounding even more upbeat then me, asking what I am up to and how are things and if I am in town. What in the world was that all about?

I kept it plain and simple and on the upeat side to play along and said no, I'm home making pizza, I work earlier now in plans to be working another job at night very soon. She said something to the effect that S11 thought he just saw my truck and wanted to know if I was around.

Completely baffled by that.

Anyway talked to the boys and the sounded well. Guess they are not moving downstate as they now have a pool at her fathers. The whole time talking with them tho, XW tried to constantly be part of the converstion and less of a 'coach' as lately had been doing.

The whole atmosphere was just really really weird.

None the less, with OM's car parked out front this morning as normal, I'm not going to invest much stock in any changes of heart on her behalf, that is for sure.
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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