Focusing on what I can control is what brings me out of the tunnel if I start going down it. Feeling so anxious like that is horrible.
My big thing, and h said it to me a few times, was always thinking that I was right. It wasn't till I came here that I learnt about assuming and it really opened my eyes to lots of possibilites.
You know, I was lucky in a way that I had/ have no real information about what goes on in h's life. It used to frustrate me no end but now I am grateful, in fact I have limited it even more because if you only have a snippit of information it can grow to all proprtions. I'd rather now not know and focus on what happens between h and I when we do see each other and in between times get on with my own stuff.
Anyway, enough hijack. I always read your advice on here. Thank you.
Thank you PH, I do feel better...I'm not where I was last week, but I'm better. I feel kinda' sad today because it is A's birthday. I just text him, 'hope you are having a happy birthday so far!'. It doesn't require an answer, but still I would like one. No response, as yet.
I took one of my friends out to lunch today, and I told him what my plans were for the summer. He's a good guy.
I'm going to go to the gym tonight. I'm not sure what my plans are for the fourth yet, but I'm trying.
Awww..thanks so much for that hug, JoJo! I could really feel it!
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1.) My Mom went back into the hospital yesterday. Very low hemoglobin. Hopefully, she will be home tomorrow. I'm tired. 2.) Talked to L, the hypnotist. She is cute and sweet. She said that she can help with my sadness and help me with the 'red light' when my mind starts digging savagely. 3.) Went to dentist today. Feel good about that. Nice Hygenist her name is 'Joy'... 4.) Went to Psychologist today ... talked about getting somekind of extra lift. 5.) I'm still feeling fearful...I know that isn't from God
6.) A text me yesterday in response to my text. he thanked me for the card.
1.) Feeling somewhat better...getting there, still feel a bit sad. a.) I want more.
2.) Feel good that I am taking care of my own personal needs. a.) went to dentist b.) made an appt. for my primary care dr.
3.) Spoke to friends at work about my goal about getting to know them better...hang out, have a brunch at my house,
4.) Want to do better with self-discipline of 'doing' what I want to do without sadness.
5.) Need to remember what my end of summer goal is: a.) I think it is more social connection with A and personal time with him. I would like to get to a point where there is more day-to-day planning and talking.
6.) Working on getting in shape. getting teeth whitened soon (can't wait)
I really don't know if any of this is really working. I feel that A's life is growing so much that a strong barrier is being built making it more difficult to have a stronger connection with him (even though I talk, txt, see him once in a while). I'm beginning to have a fear again that play havoc on my hopes.
Maybe I should just call him on the phone and tell him that I miss him very much and ask him what we could do to have something closer. I thought he liked me (never mind love). I thought he liked being around me. I thought I made him feel comfortable. How can I show him that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. I just want more of his everyday life. I want more involvement.
I'll try to remember to concentrate on the positive. I don't want to pressure him. But I do want to show him that I can be assertive and fun, yet loving and understanding.
I'm so afraid because his life is so big with people who want him, and my life is so small. I wonder sometimes what I have to offer.
Funny how life works. Thirty eight and a half years after the fact, I finally realize how things work. We are all miracles. I know that. In fact, I knew that a long time ago, but I’d forgotten it.
When I was 18 years old, I was given a date rape drug and gang raped by three men in the back of a van. Long story, but when it was over, I was kicked out of the van on a cold dark street in the middle of winter. I had to walk two miles to get home that night, and thank goodness, I still had my key.
Ten days after my husband asked me to marry him, I was watching a TV movie about a girl who was given a date rape drug and raped, when I had my flashback. Funny how our mind works – 25 years after the fact, I finally knew I was raped. I ran to the bedroom screaming and crying, and instead of hugging me, or holding me until the pain stopped, my, then fiancé, rolled over and said. “Oh, that was so long ago, you need to get over it, poet.”
I’m not making excuses for him, but I now believe that he did that because it was the only way he knew how to deal with the pain, his own pain. I could be wrong, but somehow, I believe he has his own pain that he never dealt with, and that he never talks about. I’ll bet that’s just what he does.
Anyway, tonight it hit me. I was sitting there watching a movie, and began to cry. At first, I didn’t know why I was crying, but now I do. My H has been telling me all along that I “don’t understand him.” In the beginning of all this, he told me he was “...trying to move on, but you won’t let me.” He also use to say, “Poet, you need to move on,” or, “You should have moved on by now.”
I could be wrong, but my panic and my pain this past year has been all about something I couldn’t put my finger on. But, now I know. It’s not me at all who is holding him back from moving on. It’s him who is holding me back from moving on. He won’t see me. He won’t talk to me. And, he won’t divorce me. He still lives in our 19-foot camper where he’s been all along.
Somehow, I believe that if he would just sit down with me, and let me tell him about my pain from that night, I could move on. I might even be the one to file for divorce. It makes sense to me now. I’ve been panicked because he won’t listen to me. He never did. If I could just get those words out of my mouth and have him *hear* me, I am sure I could get past this turmoil, this anxiety that I feel, this phase of thinking that he is my soul mate. It’s obvious that he is truly not right for me. How could a man be right for a woman who won’t even hear her darkest/deepest fears?
As soon as he will let me express this deep emotion, I’m sure I could move on. Doesn’t that make sense? If the man wants to be free of me, wouldn’t it behoove him to listen for 45 minutes and then let me go? Am I being unrealistic here? Life is a mystery, but some things have answers to them, and pathways that surely lead to growth, not just for one party, but for both???
Hi JCJ: Re-reading your advice helped me tonight. I'm going to stay on track and stay with my goals. I have a lot of goals that apparently are longer term goals than I would like them to be.
Today, my friend, E, told me that she couldn't have a birthday party for A because her life was too crazy. She told me to have it at my house. Although I appreciate her encouragement, I don't want to push A. Even though I do want to make plans, I don't want to overwhelm him too much with 'me'.
I don't know. I do want to make plans with him. I just don't know how or when. Right now I was in a backing away stage to strengthen myself. But E is telling me to have a party.
I am going to sleep on it for awhile. I don't want to jump just because she tells me to jump. I don't feel quite right just yet.
Anyway...I like what you say about looking my best.
1.) I am hoping there is still time to be able to build a life with A. 2.) I feel that I am missing out on all that he is experiencing without me. 3.) I want to be attractive to him. 4.) I feel that we are living parallel lives. 5.) I want him to know that it doesn't have to be all or nothing with me. 6.) I want to share part of my life with him (too).
he thanked me for the card.