Jojo, You have to surrender this all to God - the OW, your H and your marriage. You can only do your part. The rest is outside your control. I think you need to focus on your own healing (from your marriage issues, your past, etc.) Getting healed will also have the great side benefit of making you much more attractive to your H and your friends. Because you'll become confident of yourself and content (from within), and it WILL show through without conscious effort.
When you are ready for healing and for counselling to help with that (not marriage counselling), you will be able to make time for it. My schedule is very tight too but I do make time for the things that are important to me - church, Bible Study, support group, recreation, counselling, etc.
For me, it's worth the time spent on working on healing because I'd rather be healed than to live the rest of my life in pain from past hurts.
I haven't posted to you before but your questions and worries struck a chord with me as they are what I agonise over when I allow myself. I just wanted to share with you how I cope with it.
It is so hard when you don't have the full picture to assume things. When you do it makes the situation grow in your mind and can take over and takes the focus off the things you actually have control over. I always say to myself that when I feel this way the best thing is to do nothing, allow it to pass and then act if necessary when I am calmer. On our timescales a few days here and there won't matter.
Why don't you turn things around in your mind a little and focus on the things you can control. Firstly, and most importantly, you do not need to compete. It puts you in a position of weakness and following your thread I can see that isn't you. My goal is to make myself so fabulous that my h would be a fool to not want to be with me and primarily the added benefit of making me feel better, not to mention look better.
You also cannot control how much time they spend with each other but you can control your reactions in the time that you spend together and make it the best it can be. You don't need to worry about him letting you in, it sounds like he already does this anyway. Go with the flow (easier said than done, I know!).
With regards to the cake... personally I wouldn't take it to work and I certainly wouldn't ask him about it. Last year, for h's birthday when things were really bad I sent him a voucher for an old fashioned shaving experience in the post. That way, I had made the effort but there was no pressure. This year, things are better and I have bought him a present which I will give him. I would bake a cake for when he comes round.
Anyway jojo, good luck. Do something nice for yourself today .
Dear JCJ, The support you offer to JoJo regarding focusing on what you can control is excellent. Having very little information can lead anyone toward a lot of assuming, which can nudge the anxiety and worry into the picture. So, thank you for your wise words: focus on what you can control!
Take care, Laurie
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
JCJ offers valuable advice - focus on what you can control. You have made important positive steps that are getting filtered out as the worry takes over. You have accomplished many of your goals and are on the way of moving toward some more. My hope is that you refocus on that.
Regarding D, I encouraged you to remember that you offered qualities to A that he really responded to & he married you for those qualities. Women in his life that were very strong and assertive have been his friends, but he had not made the choice to marry them.
I hope that clears up the questioin!
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Thank you PH, I feel a lot calmer now. I called my Dr. to make an appointment. I am thinking about what to do for July 4th. I have a lot of people around me who show me that I am loved. I do want to heal and be authentic to myself
I have joined the gym, and I understand a friend of mine goes to the same gym. I'm going to hook up with her to see when we can go together. I'm going to take out my camera, and I want to go out to take some pictures.
My mother has also been supportive. I'm just getting myself back on course and proceed 'steady as she goes'.
My friend from Church called the other day. I think, I will call her and go out to lunch. I think she needs a friend, as well.
thank you JCJ, I think that you are very right. I took a lot of the focus off of what good I have done by letting my mind go wild. Pretty soon, my worries became anxieties. I can't go there anymore!
I am going to take your advice. I have joined the gym. And my goal is to feel and look better, too.
I guess he has started to let me in. I suppose sometimes I get frustrated on how slow it is going, but I want to take the positives. I do want to go with the flow. I axed the cake idea. I think what I am doing is enough for now.
I decided to go off the radar screen for awhile to get my head back on track and try to enjoy my friends. I pray a lot, I'll be taking walks, as soon as the sun comes out again, and most of all ... I don't want to take control of what is in God's hands. The last thing I want to do is do that.
Thank you for sharing. You have inspired and encouraged me!!!
Dear PH, I forgot to tell you that I agree on surrendering it all to God. I do and feel my best my I know that God has me in his hands. Sometimes, I try to grab it back and I stamp my feet and whine. I wanted to tell you Thank you for reminding me.
Dear Laurie, yes, it clears a lot of things up. I do feel better. I am so grateful for all three of you, PH, JCJ, and L.
I do feel loved. I was very aware of what God was trying to get across to me today. I truly believe that he wants me to know that I am loved and that he has is plan. The feeling was so unplanned and not forced. The feeling was almost like a smooth and steady heartbeat. It was like a beat of a soothing melody.
I talked to my mother after we spoke. She thinks my actions toward A have been timely and should be rec'd well. I got to a scarey place where I could only see the darkness.
I do feel better than I did earlier, but most of all I feel hopeful again. Thank you
Jojo, I am so glad to hear that you are feeling calmer, knowing that things are in God's control. Charlyne said recently to "remember that God has won the battle and we just need to wait for Him to take our H out of the enemy's camp".
Anyway, I think you should call up your friend and go out for lunch. If you can, do plan to do something with others on July 4th. I need to plan something for July 4th too.
I think you'll really start enjoying the gym. If you can, go by yourself so that you get into the habit of going regardless of whether your friend goes.
It's awesome that you are surrounded by people who care about you and that you feel loved. I hope you have a good appointment with your doctor. If you can, please check out emdria.org. EMDR is very effective. I really like it and have been getting it for 5 months and shown great progress.
Thanks for the hugs, I'm glad to be of some help. Your words just spoke to me as it was exactly how I feel sometimes (last week in fact). I'm so glad you are joining a gym, I find excercise really helps. In fact I have been lapse of late so I shall have to get back on it again.
Sometimes the pace is so slow it is excrutiating, it seems with h I have patience that I didn't know I was capable of. I have never been in this positition of what I used to perceive to be lack of control before, it has taught me some huge lessons and actually I have control in far more productive ways now.
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