I was in a similar sitch to you and I had a sort of MLC and wasn't sure I wanted my H anymore. Raising four children is very hard and suddenly I felt sort of surplus to requirements. I lost my joy for life whilst my H was looking forward to things we would be able to do together.
I started counselling, (cognitive behavioural therapy), and managed to turn my attitude around only to be told by my H that he had been having an A with one of his employees for the last 18 months.
My H never left but it was really touch and go for a week or so after he told me about the A- the OW had already left her H and her young children, (how could she do that to her kids???). Things got pretty nasty. However, my H has recommitted to the M and we have never looked back. We now make sure that we spend time together and always have something to look forward to.
I think perhaps you need to keep on working on yourself and become the person your H fell in love with again whilst you let his current R die a natural death. There is no point in trying to fight the R he is having whilst he is in the infatuation stage. Just keep those channels of communication open and pleasant. I was lucky that my H's A had already been going on for 18 months before he told me about it, so the first feelings of 'lust' had abated and he was beginning to see the faults in the OW.
I remember one thing my H remarked on about me was how, when things were not good between us, my face had stopped lighting up when he entered a room and how I had stopped smiling. Once that returned, the spark between us reingnited.
Keep the faith. You have a huge shared history together and a familiarity which is hard to give up forever.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Firstly thanks so much for the constructive comments. Stuck you're absolutely right his MLC does seem to be triggered by mine. As for considering myself D'd I think it's helped me to GAL and also to detach. I do have a PMA although this has developed once I got over the MLC/empty nest syndrome.
i started to come out of my MLC a couple of months before my H left but he didn't see the positive changes in me and believes that it's only happened since he left. I've done OK at GAL, taken up a couple of new hobbies, started going to the theatre and have reconnected with old friends. I certainly laugh more than I use to.
One of the things my H dislike about me was that he felt I was a martyr to the kids - I don't agree, I did put their needs before mine, but was not resentful about it. Having said that my H travelled away alot when they were small and i more or less raised them on my own so naturally they were important to me. I believe that my H felt pushed out which was not my intention. He wanted us to go out more as a couple at that time, which I felt was impossible, with no family nearby, babysitters were non existent (difficult to find someone willing to look after 4 kids under 5!). Now they are all adults I've let them develop their own lives although obviously I'm there if they need me, but only in a supporting role.
My H can see the changes in me and has remarked that I'm looking better than I have for ages, can see the positive changes I've made but it makes no difference to the way he feels about me, he feels indifferent. The barriers are up.
Not sure how long his A has been going on, he says a few months, but the woman in question has been avoiding me for 18 months. I'm hoping as Saffie says that that's a positive thing and they are at the stage where reality has set in and he can see faults in her too.
We don't have too much to do with each other although I do endeavour to be open and friendly when we meet and act as if - not always successful though. We've had meetings that I've thought of as positive only to be told later that my H sees it another way. We spent an hour talking and I made one comment that was he felt was negative (although for me it was an off he cuff joke not a good one obviously)and he chose to focus on that rather than the 95% of positive conversation. i smile at him as often as possible, but he will not make eye contact at all.
When you started coming out of your MLC fog, what did you do with your H? At first you said that you had your EA and he put a stop to it which must have made you resent him. At what point did you decide that you wanted to spend your L with your H?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hi stuck When my H discovered my EA he gave me 24 hours to decide whether to say or go. I thought hard and realised that the OM and me would not be able to sustain a R long-term so decided to stay with my H. I didn't resent my H over this although was very sad not be be able to see or talk to the OM. It took me just over a year to get over this. Once that was done I was ready to recommitt fully to my H. Sadly it was too late and my H had already made moves to leave me.
Describing the fog lifting is sooo appropriate, one day I simply looked at my H and felt the love return, but I didn't tell him, I was never good at talking about my feelings, something I,ve since worked hard to improve.
When my H wanted to leave I told him this and suggested dates to try and rekindle what we'd had. We went out several times, but each time it ended in disaster and we argued more than we'd ever done whilst we lived together. Resentments on both sides were bought to the surface, I thought that this was a positive, we could discuss it and move on I thought. My H took this as another sign that our R was dead.
Maybe it's too late we both wanted the same thing but the timing was wrong?
One further thing he says he left not because of the EA but because he needed love in his life and didn't want to get it from me. Perhaps he's A has been going on longer than he cares to admit.
For me the past is gone and it's time for us to build a new and stronger R. I still love my H and he knows this
Well it's been a couple of weeks as I've been away GAL!
nothing much to report. Have stopped all contact and wait for H to contact me. As far as I can tell he's still having his a although I get the impression it oculd be on the wane - jsut a feeling not sure why. He's been a bit more available to the kids lately.
had family meal out, we all went and it was OK although he was a bit quiet and didn't really talk to me. Made sure that I looked good but he never comments although I think he notices.
Fed up with limbo - not sure how to kick start this R again. So frustrating
Ohhh! we have someone from the UK! I've always wanted to see London, been to Ireland twice. I've been on this forum and have my own thread. Haven't been around much lately..still trying to get my life in order. Anyway: Hi and welcome to hell. Regarding your above post, kick starting your relationship again, I wouldn't dwell on that too much: You will drive yourself insane. You don't want to go there. Yes, take advantage of the opportunities when they present themselves, but DO NOT force the issue. I've been mudding along myself, it's been slow, and it's not easy. Still have some REALLY bad days, like....today! That guy from New England does have a good story. Tough odds, but not impossible. It's a long ride, so buckle up. hope this helps a bit.
London's great the best city in the world IMO. Tons to do so it's easy to GAL and keep a PMA living there.
You're right kick starting is out of my hands I should just make the best of opportunities as they arise. Yesterday my H came along to watch my S in a sporting event. Initially awkward but I did my best to be calm and relaxed and although he didn't talk that much I felt it was reasonably positive - I followed it up with a thank you for coming text which could have been pursuing but then again one of H complaints about me was that I was cold and unfeeling so I thought it was a 180. Got no and didn't need a reply.
Thanks for your comments on my thread Bonny. I came over to read up on your sitch and I can definitely relate to your experiences. I think the changes in my sitch have been incredibly slow and I know they could come to a halt at anytime. However, I think reading the 5 Love Languages was a turning point for me. It helped me to really reflect on the ways I could show him my care without really pursuing. It helped me to stop being critical and defending myself which usually had disastrous results. It's hard to be calm and relaxed when you're feeling anxious to make a good impression but I think that's a key as well. I had to make a conscious effort to pull back and not drop what I was doing just because he arrived.
Hi Cas It's a tough old waiting game and I think we're moving slowly towards friends but like you it's a husband I need I've got friends.
I've not read the 5 LL although there's something similar in an English book (am I allowed to say which one?). I've worked out that my husband enjoys quality time - difficult when we're hardly ever together and if we are it's due to a kid related activty. When we first separated I tried to do this but looking back it was obvious that he wasn't ready and it all went wrong.
Problem being I think is that I was separated for several months before I came across DB so my efforts started late. I think that the first few months are crucial before they get used to their single life or become too involved with the OW
