Unstoppable

[NoCodeBlues]

I hope everyone has had a good Memorial Day weekend. Mine has been quiet. Very quiet.

Quiet is mostly good. Except for snotty remarks from xW (accused me of "interrogating" S8 on the phone just because I asked about his day. I always ask them how their day went when I make my evening call to my S's, but she decided to take offense at it all of a sudden)-- Otherwise, my time has been peaceful. Alone, but peaceful.

I took the opportunity today to go through some boxes of old papers. Old statements for cellular and regular telephone service, medical bills, etc. I ran across a bunch of stuff that xW had produced, lots and lots of credit bureau reports. These appeared to have been produced quarterly by each of the three big credit scoring firms, Experian, TransUnion, Equifax. But what caught my eye was that these were produced to check the credit scoring not for me or for both my xW and myself together, but for xW alone. And these went back to 2005.

What's the significance of that, you ask? It means that my then W was exceedingly concerned about her own personal credit scoring at least as far back as September of 2005. Not our mutual credit score, but just her own. And she was obsessed with her own financial health at least a year and a half prior to our separation.

All these disagreements and friction over finances... she was not concerned for our financial stability -- she was mostly (if not only) concerned about her ability, even then, for being able to stand on her own, without me. It leads me to thinking, again, that she had been planning to leave me for quite a long time before she would admit.

Am I reading too much into this? Possibly, but I don't think so.

When xW and I first started dating, she had a terrible, awful credit rating due to her poor, poor judgement. She was still involved with her then boyfriend (with whom she had originally told me she had broken up) because of bad car loans they were both upside down on. She was a fiscal mess.

By the time we got engaged, however, she had pretty much gotten most of that debt taken care of, but she had a ruined credit rating none-the-less. I have been torturing myself for some time now, post-bomb, whether the real reason she found me so attractive back then was mostly because of my clean credit record and my steady employment history. It certainly would fit the MO of her mother.

And I also have all her pay-stubs for the months leading up to the bomb. And seeing how very little income she actually brought in in those first six months, which I know already but seeing the hard numbers staring me in the face, while remembering how long she was away from home supposedly working... I feel like such a d*mn fool and a cuckold.

Why am I torturing myself like this? Dwelling on the past and reliving the depth of these injuries she's inflicted on us?

I continue to pray, to talk with the Lord, asking him to help me heal. To lead me through this, for however long it takes, but to get it past me. And in these times He is kind and merciful through reminding me of my S's -- that whatever comes, I must do this for S8 and S4.

[fightingirish]

(((((nc)))))

i know what you mean, because that is a real hang up of mine. I tend to dwell on things and pick them apart, and this eventually does drive me nuts. I have to remind myself that its over and one with and dwelling on it won't change anything, only to make me sad and angry all over again.

Im mad at my H for putting me through all of it, these emotion seem to really take hold of me. You don't know how you will ever get passed it, and I know we all will, but its time that is a killer, the pain does slowly go away, but I don't ever think completely.

If you were to tell me 18 years ago that I would be going through this, I would have said, "I'd leave his butt at the door" but how things change...

Hang in there my friend.

[NoCodeBlues]

Hi, Irish,

I think you, at least, have a good chance at saving your M, making all your efforts and difficulties worth it.

I, on the other hand, never really had a chance -- though I could not have possibly foreseen that before hand.

Worse still, now that she has gotten the freedom she so demanded, instead of easing up or letting go of her hatred, my ex seems to be getting progressively worse.

To illustrate, the latest missive came last night via email, following my nightly phone conversation with my S's:

S8 needs some non-fiction books for next week for many of the homework questions & he can't use the same number two weeks in a row.

Thanks

Also. Talking to S8 for 30 min when he is supposed to be doing his homework is VERY distracting. If you want to help your son you will wait until at least 8 on homework nights & keep it short. I'm sure you are ranting right now in your head about how it's your right to talk to your son as long as you want whenever you want. Which is true if all you care about is your rights & not S8's well-being. We each have a right to half our sons, so should we just slice them in half?

XW is just being insanely petty, again, as usual. In retrospect I figure she just does not like the fact that I and my sons had a very good and enjoyable call; S8 was especially enthusiastic in telling me about what went on during his day. It takes a little bit to warm him up and then he's just overflowing with words.

XW is obviously jealous that her sons could have any rapport with me. She makes it very clear here and in all her words and deeds that she feels she should not have to share them.

What makes this even more egregious is that I had concluded my call with my sons -- and not two minutes later they had called me back so she could tell me she about S8's new homework assignment, but then decided to send an email instead. She then let S8 continue his conversation with me. S8 and I discussed his school assignments in more detail -- and we again had a good exchange.

S8 would have talked forever, had I let him. And to xW's credit, I will admit that I began to wonder if S8 was beginning to use our conversation to stall going back to completing his nightly homework.

But the point of all this is that xW continues to criticize me for trying to have a conversation with my S's. I mentioned that she accused me of "interrogating" S8 this past weekend.

It's funny. It bothers me, yes, but not like it would have at one time. I see her pettiness and I am no longer inclined to engage her in her drama. I do feel the need to say something to her, to let her know she is crossing the line. But for her sake I am beginning to feel she's no longer worth the effort. These last couple of years have taught me how barren of cheese her tunnel really his. It makes her to be so pathetic and pitiful.

And that makes me sad for all of us -- me, her and our children.

But it is what it is. And keeping the Serenity Prayer in mind, I realize that her behavior is something to which I have neither control nor responsibility.

[fightingirish]

nc~

They updated DB so now we know who is on or not, pretty cool..

I cannot believe how unhinged she becomes on something so ridiculous. Why does she feel the need to constantly make everything into a friggin event. His homework will get done, he's only 8 for goodness sake GET A GRIP!!

Ok, seriously you have to feel somewhat of relief that you do not have to deal with her obnocious,rude and just plain stupid remarks on a daily basis. I know this is not the person you married, but this is the person she has become, and certainly not someone that you could share your life with, trouble is, is you cannot get completely away from it because of your boys. Thats hard to balance. But I suspect that as time goes on it will get easier for you to handle, and one day her attitude and comments will be a distant memory on how they bothered you and you will just laugh to yourself.

one day when your boys are older, they will know how hard you tried, and will respect you for it.

Hope you have some good plans for the wkend.

[karen43]

Also. Talking to S8 for 30 min when he is supposed to be doing his homework is VERY distracting. If you want to help your son you will wait until at least 8 on homework nights & keep it short. I'm sure you are ranting right now in your head about how it's your right to talk to your son as long as you want whenever you want. Which is true if all you care about is your rights & not S8's well-being. We each have a right to half our sons, so should we just slice them in half?

Ok, she used to be like 95% crazy and now she sounds full-fledged 100% crazy. Wow! My reaction to that would be something like: Good point. I think calling after S8's homework time is a good idea. I'll be sure to call around 8 pm to allow him time for that.

Plus, ignore the short comment and talk as long as your sons want. I just think it would be fun for you to shake her up like that. Doing 180s to mess with her already almost unhinged mind. I know I have some evil in me. Karen

[NoCodeBlues]

Karen,

I think I know now why I always appeared to be so non-communicative with xW when we were married. It wasn't really passive-aggressiveness, as she accuses me of, at least not at first. Rather it was the paralysis in knowing that, with her, there was never any right answer -- any and every possible response was going to be taken wrong.

As such, then yes, Irish, I am glad I don't have to put up with that insanity all the time anymore.

Hope you have some good plans for the wkend.

Yes, I do, and I have my two S's too. First, we're going to the grand opening of the new Lego Store here in our area. S8 is a Lego maniac, and he's been anticipating this for months now.

We also have a birthday party to attend, for the son of one of my DivorceCare buddies.

And Sunday is our church's outdoor celebration of Pentecost, a big annual event. This will be the last service our minister will attend before he leaves us and moves out of state, taking up the helm of a church in Jackson, Mississippi (making this a very small world indeed.) That's going to be a bittersweet event for all of us.

I have several other things too. I was asked by my boss to have a number of project-related tasks completed this weekend, before Monday. That's going to mean some late nights working from home Saturday and Sunday. Meanwhile I've got to shepherd S8 along in completing his "term paper" this week. That's going to keep us very busy.

Too much to do and so very little time... but I always check in on my peeps here in DB.

[NoCodeBlues]

<journaling>
I've had one helluva day today. I was busier than the proverbial one-legged man...

Last night, xW had dropped the bombshell that she was going out of town to Florida Monday and Tuesday, so she wouldn't be available to take care of S4 while S8 and I go to his cub scout meeting. Something about training for her new job. Whatever. Yeah, I realize this likely means she and OM are going together out of state, business or not. She's no longer my concern in that regard, as long as my S's are not affected. So S4 and I will make do.

And then xW left a voicemail at work today, at about a quarter past 4 PM. She said her mother -- the evil MIL -- was going out of town this weekend and would not be back on Monday herself. xW said this meant that I was on my own for providing S4 daycare for that day, which is a work day for me.xW suggested I see if the local hourly daycare place would have an opening -- an expensive proposition. I have been so p-o'ed over this, because:

(1) Why such freaking short notice?
(2) xW chose her ne're-do-well mother to pretend to be a daycare solution for S4, but apparently her availability and reliability is being proven deficient.
(3) How long has she known about these changes in plans?

So not only am I left high and dry for cub scouts on Monday, but it looks like for the entire day.

My boss was somewhat understanding, and even a little angry on my behalf for xW's last minute curve ball, but I will have to take some PTO time to work from home.

... and as if to add insult to injury, I got word today from my atty that xW's complaint was filed yesterday and my L's office was delivered a copy. xW is now officially suing me for temporary and full custody, with the intent of granting me only "visitation" every other weekend. The first hearing is August 14.

Frak it.

[fightingirish]

Nc~

You've got to be kidding me!! what is HER PROBLEM???? Its ok to drop a bomb like that and give you no warning, but still is seeking temporary and full custody?? I don't get her? She knows you won't take it out on the boys, so she is taking full advantage of you. Thats bs!

I hope this judge sees right through her, and please document this case, how there was short notice and about the evil mil. you need to have all of this written down so you can use it in court.

I don't know how anyone could not go insane with dealing with her.I can't beleive her work only gave her notice yesterday that this was happening.. i don't believe it. She intentionally told you late to see if you would crap out on the boys to use that against you. i don't like thinking that way, but considering her track record, this is exactly what she is up to.

oh nc.. I wish for you some peace, it seems that all she does these days is stirs the pot. you don't need this crap, your trying to get on with your life.

she need desperatley to be put in her place.

busy weekend for you, that's good. Have fun at the lego event, My kids would like that too, have fun!

[Yoyowife]

NC,
Wow, she is such a contraction, isn't she? She wants you to have the boy's at "HER" convenience. Sounds like a matter of child support payments. Is she seeking more with the custody change? Uggggggghhhhhhh!

Hugs, Yoyo

[NoCodeBlues]

You've got to be kidding me!!

I reeeaaally wish I were.

This all seems so extremely unreal to me, like a Twilight Zone episode. If I stop and think very much about the degree to which her attitude and values have changed, it would rip my heart out all over again, not to mention drive me insane.


And you certainly won't believe me who suddenly shows up while I, S8 and S4 are waiting for S8's school bus at the bus stop this morning. Yes, the xW.

She seemed quite perturbed and I was more than a bit surprised, as I would have thought she would have been on her way to FL already.

She asked me was I taking a day off from work. I replied that I am (wanting to scream "I HAD TO!"), and then I asked her, "Shouldn't you be on your way to Florida or something?" xW says she is not leaving 'til this afternoon.

Wonderful.

xW then told me it was not necessary for me to have taken off, as her mother decided to not only come back early, but cancelled her trip altogether. xW then said I should have called her or the evil MIL to find out if she was really going to be out of town after all. She goes on to blame me for not initiating communication with her about this -- as if it is my sole responsibility to check in with her to find out changes with her and her mother's schedules!

I could feel my blood pressure rising, and the other parents standing around waiting with their own kids at the bus stop could likely tell how agitated we were getting with each other. Especially when she snidely asked me whether I had a telephone or not, so as to be able to communicate with and find out these things.

Part of me wanted to let her have the full piece of my mind, but I did not want her to ruin my day any more than she already had. I really wish she had not decided to come insinuate herself on our peaceful morning -- well, it was at least particularly pleasant up to that moment she arrived.

At about that point I told xW our sons to hug their mother goodbye and to wish her a safe flight -- basically ushering her to move herself along and go away. But she persisted, and we again traded barbed responses to each other. She told me I could go on to work and she'd take S4 to her evil mother's for the remainder of the day. But I had already made the effort to make last minute arrangements to have the day off and work from home -- why on earth, having already spent the costly political capitol with my employer, would I waste it so she can further destroy my day?

She is actually trying to make the case that I need not have taken a day off and it's somehow my fault for not communicating. Her oft refrain is that I am terrible at communicating and for that reason the failure of our M is my fault -- but I am having the real truth of the matter demonstrated and underscored right before me yet again -- it obviously wasn't all me, or even mostly me.

So xW is obviously being extremely dense and down-right stupid -- if she tells me she or her mother is not going to be available as late as the Friday afternoon before the given Monday is to occur, I am going to be hard-pressed to arrange to be off that much in advance -- let alone waiting the Sunday evening right before! But that is exactly what she is suggesting. And even then, she thinks I am supposed to check in with her to find out her schedule! Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgh!!!

And after the bus finally arrives and takes S8 off, she again makes comment to me. I've had enough of her cr*p at this point and I take S4 by the hand to leave. She is still yammering at me, and I stopped in my tracks, looked her in the face and said "Goodbye, have a safe flight -- this conversation is over."

I really don't know how I kept a lid on it. But even with the other parents around I could hear our voice levels rising. I started to tell her to go have a "good time" with her boyfriend down in sunny Florida, but I am at the point now that I could care less. All I want is peace for my S's sake, but she won't allow even that.

Again, I find myself asking myself the question Was I really married to that woman? How could I have ever been in love with someone that could really be so awful, selfish and heartless? How? Not in my worst nightmares could I have imagined this much pain and confusion. Truth is faaaaar stranger than fiction.