Partner left after 9 yrs - he has come back?

[naej]

Good luck in piecing.
Yes my x has been gone along time.I did not find this site til later. I did not post for many years so no, not been posting on a daily basic for 8 years.
Thank you for thinking I need healing but I am fine.
I actually have made getting on for 1000 posts less than you.
Take care.

[cire2]

Ali, just following your thread and congrats on the positive developments.

Word of warning though, I have been piecing only to watch it disappear. This has happended more than once. I'm trying to db my current R after things looked great. The turtle seems to always go back in the shell and that's when you need to stay dim.

As far as advice from others I think all mean well. I'm speaking of the snarky lightly veiled bickering between you and naej.

For the both of you, as an outsider looking in, if stuff can't be let go on these boards I can only imagine what hurt feelings in your relationships bring out?!

Congrats again but think.

cire

[kat727]

I would hate for the two of you to end your friendly banter. Yes Naej is more the voice of practicality and yes Ali is the voice of an astrial spirit. that is what makes it so special here. Please put aside the bruised egos because Ali I too did say I didn't think you should stay over. Part of that is me, part of that is being American though I have lived in Europe and I know it is different there.

We are all here to help each other, can't we keep doing that?

Kat

[mishka422]

Ali, I'm going to say that I am very excited for you. I know this is going to be a huge undertaking and not be for the weak spirited. I'm sure you are strong enough to handle this! You know your ex better than anyone and you know that he is a turtle so you are prepared to do this.

Can't wait to see your space trumpets!

[Walking]

I have grown tremendously in the past 2 years, with 15 months of weekly C.

Ali - you say that a lot. I guess I just don't see much evidence of it.

I observe that you still obsess about your relationship (healthy people are able to compartmentalise their lives to some extent so that they can focus on a balance of things - ultimately in western developed culture we should be able to focus on keeping our mind (I guess that's your art), body (that's usually the economic side of the equation) and spirit (for you that seems to be astrology - but only the clever intuition of positive planetary influcences) together - and if we are honest we both know there is far more to spirituality than that.

You have your X paying your credit card, your friends paying for your dinner, avoidance of your academic work until the last minute and an almost comical round of she-said/he-said discussions about your non-existant/maybe on/maybe off relationship with your ex boyfriend.

You seem to still perceive yourself as incomplete without a relationship - Girlfriend we are born alone and we die alone. If we can't learn to be adults alone, safe in our own skin, able to support ourselves emotionally and economically - then I suspect we are failing to learn the lessons. I just don't see that you are any closer to having a strong happy independent relationship with yourself

I see you still think you can behave in particular ways to manipulate the outcome you want - regardless of the place that poor man is at.

I see that you find it difficult to reflect on alternative points of view - and that is clear by the way you are so terse and impolite (to use your word) when you respond to respected older experienced members of this community. Most recently Naej and BND - but I've seen others burned, and I know I often feel as though I'd like to make a considered "pro" DB comment, but I don't have time in my life to spend writing to someone in good faith only to be flicked off like an annoying knat because you aren't ready consider the ways your behaviour impacts on your current circumstances.

So defend yourself roundly to every word I've written. But do yourself a favour and when you've calmed down, come back and read this post and the things Naej has been saying and ask yourself what it is that we say that makes you so uncomfortable?

Maybe there will be some answers there for you.

Good luck. I hope your boyfriend gets well, recovers from his depression and can return to snuggle, support and bring dinner for you when you are busy because you chose to leave everything until the last minute.

[BobbiJo]

Ouch...

Good luck, Ali. I was reading on Priya's blog (you got me going on her! ) that this is supposed to be a big weekend for healing wounds. I don't understand it all as well as you but I am sure pulling for you!

[saffie]

Ali,

I am so sorry you don't seem to get what naej and walking back are saying to you. You seem to only believe what those who fawn over you say.

What was the point in having a consultation with Jody and then rejecting her professional advice about staying over? Don't you think that she is more experienced than you?

You may be ready for things to advance with your ex but from your description of him he hasn't even started to address his issues. Strikes me that a few months down the line you will be in problems again.

Piecing is for life if you want the R to work- I hope you realise that.

You imply that getting your ex back is what DB is about- if that is truly all it is about to you then I feel you have learned very little. It is mainly about being able to survive and be self contained and not needy.....whether that be with or without another person. You are WAY off that.

For the R with your ex to work he needs to be able to explain to you why he has felt/done what he has and you don't appear to be even considering that aspect. It takes TWO to make a R work in a healthy way.

I know you will brush this post off as you do all those that don't just cheer you along, but most of us that have made real progress have found in the long term it came from those that handed out the 2x4's or who made us feel uncomfortable in some way. If we feel uncomfortable about what a poster say's it's usually because they have hit a raw nerve.

You show little real introspection I am afraid. In terms of DB success I would put naej and many others who haven't gotten their ex's back way ahead of you, because of the people they have become.

I am glad you have another chance with your ex, but instead of this sounding like a healthy R this sounds like two needy people propping each other up with outside friends IRL pushing you together. To be honest I think Helen had a lucky escape and perhaps it was she who decided to end it as your ex sounds very high maintenance......like you.

You have a long ways to go and I wouldn't expect those in piecing to be any easier on you as we all know what hard work it is over there. Getting your ex back is only the beginning. One you have achieved that things get real tough.

[saffie]

Ali,

I am so sorry you don't seem to get what naej and walking back are saying to you. You seem to only believe what those who fawn over you say.

What was the point in having a consultation with Jody and then rejecting her professional advice about staying over? Don't you think that she is more experienced than you?

You may be ready for things to advance with your ex but from your description of him he hasn't even started to address his issues. Strikes me that a few months down the line you will be in problems again.

Piecing is for life if you want the R to work- I hope you realise that.

You imply that getting your ex back is what DB is about- if that is truly all it is about to you then I feel you have learned very little. It is mainly about being able to survive and be self contained and not needy.....whether that be with or without another person. You are WAY off that.

For the R with your ex to work he needs to be able to explain to you why he has felt/done what he has and you don't appear to be even considering that aspect. It takes TWO to make a R work in a healthy way.

I know you will brush this post off as you do all those that don't just cheer you along, but most of us that have made real progress have found in the long term it came from those that handed out the 2x4's or who made us feel uncomfortable in some way. If we feel uncomfortable about what a poster say's it's usually because they have hit a raw nerve.

You show little real introspection I am afraid. In terms of DB success I would put naej and many others who haven't gotten their ex's back way ahead of you, because of the people they have become.

I am glad you have another chance with your ex, but instead of this sounding like a healthy R this sounds like two needy people propping each other up with outside friends IRL pushing you together. To be honest I think Helen had a lucky escape and perhaps it was she who decided to end it as your ex sounds very high maintenance......like you.

You have a long ways to go and I wouldn't expect those in piecing to be any easier on you as we all know what hard work it is over there. Getting your ex back is only the beginning. One you have achieved that things get real tough.

[AliSuddenly]

Mish.. Bobbi, Kat.. thanks for your good wishes, its a big weekend I think too! Bobbi you are right, Priya is a wonderful writer, she is quite unique on the internet and it is meant to be very healing on Sunday particularly and its also a New Moon. There are reasons why I wanted to stay over with him to be there for that, but I didnt go into it here.

Wlaking Back.. He is NOT paying my credit card. I am paying another which was our joint one and I also paid our rent for over a year before he left me, which cost me £10,000, but I never asked for a penny back. Me and him have a kind of unspoken agreement about money where its swings and roundabouts between us (we own several properties).

I didnt leave everything to the last minute, I am doing a degree course (sculpture) and it ends in a week.. its natural to be flat out at this juncture, EVERYONE at college has been doing 10 hour days, as he was for his Masters and yes, as his partner then I did all the shopping and cooking whilst he revised. But I dont expect him to do that for me, as he is not yet my partner. Just because I am honest about wishing things were 'normal' and he were here supporting me at this last hurdle, does not mean I need him to be or expect him to be. Its just indicative that things are not back to normal (and wont be for a long time).

I dont need a man to be whole,I CHOOSE to have my ex back, as many of us here are trying to do, because I love him. Because he adds something to my life. Because he is a positive, joyful presence, NOT because I need him.

Jody is there to talk to as a therapist, but she IS American and there is a difference in how Americans and English people approach dating. I have found her very useful, but I dont think there is any harm in questioning some of the things she says, I am not a lemming.

Neaj, I wasnt referring to the comments about staying over... I meant a general approach to me and remarks made here and on others threads and I have repeatedly asked you to stop jabbing away at me, but you wont stop it. What else can I do? As for 8 years, clearly I was not implying that you posted for the whole 8 years.. I can see that this is your community, you perhaps feel safe here, or amongst kindred spirits, as you are not DBing anyone, but you continue posting to others. I made no judgement about that, simply that I genuinely feel that perhaps you need more healing over losing your H. I am not trying to hurt your feelings by saying that to you. If you dont feel as if you do, then I stand corrected and apologise.