Partner left after 9 yrs - he has come back?

[RefuseToLose]

Ali,

I'm a little worried about your spending the night b/c I'd like to see him work for you a bit more, but it is soooooo easy for me to say that when I'm here and not walking in your shoes.

Would I act differently if I were in your position? I'm not sure I would have the ability to say no and I'd most likely spend the night too. Does it mean that is what I think deep down is the best thing to do? No, but it is probably the path that most of us would succomb to.

In the end, you know what you need to do and what will and won't work. You love this man and of course it would be wonderful to be his lover again as you've shared a lot and have a bond.

Just be careful when you evaluate the situation. If it seems like a good thing - jump on it. If not, hold back. Besides, denying him will increase the anticipation, so it could end up being a good thing for you to stay over, but not have sex w/him.

Being realistic, I understand how much will power that would take, but again, you'll have to read it for what it is worth tonight and go from there!

I hope this stupid American is making some sort of sense!?! It sounds good in my head, but I'm also single and divorced.

Have fun tonight and I'll look forward to the updates!

RTL

[naej]

As far as I can tell this is the bit that you took as personal-highlighted,other than that I did not say anything different to what all the other posters had been saying, not just on this thread but lots of them.It was also in response to Kats post.
However it was me that got singled out and not for the first time.

"Kat,

I guess what I was trying to get across was if this was a brand new guy, would you be staying over so quickly? And really I am trying to get past this American way of being Miss Goody-two-shoes.
[/quote)

I am not sure this is the European way, more a personal thing.I know lots of youngsters who are as you say Goody two shoes,I call it self respect."

PS: Kat, if this was a new R, I would DEFINETLY be staying the night. I havent in 20 years just gone out then gone home.. we fell in love, I moved in. 3 times. I know that isnt going to happen this time though!”

I will no longer post to you Ali,you have taken my posts the wrong way many times.
I would say that given what you posted again to Kat above,maybe at nearly 40yrs it might be time to approach relationships in a different way.

Btw I just reread your posts from last June, July and August --apart from jobs that came and went are you sure you have grown that much.

I have grown tremendously in the past 2 years

and won my ex back along the way, which is the point of DBing is it not?

I am happy for you, I won't point out the differences between your thread and Maria's,b/c I think she herself has told you,on more than one occassion.
Good luck.

[mishka422]

Nah...I didn't see any disrespect either. Knowing how naej and Ali interact, I think it was par for the course. It's a mother/daughter type thing. Mom's criticize lovingly and daughters take it however they want to take it. Works for me!

Ali, sorry I've been behind. I'm so sorry to hear about your back. That is just horrible. I hope it's feeling better. Have you tried a hot bath in Epsome salts? Does wonders for me.

[Andabelle]

Just be careful. If things are awkward or weird between you after ML, be prepared to be really upset (been there, done that). Don't go for it unless you are absolutely sure you can act "as if" afterward, regardless of what happens.

Maybe you should just play the bad back card the first sleep-over.

Good luck!

[AliSuddenly]

Naej...

"Btw I just reread your posts from last June, July and August --apart from jobs that came and went are you sure you have grown that much."

Neaj, I am hurt that yet again you choose to say something personal. I find the way you post to me is quite unkind and unnecessary. So you reread my posts of 3 months to prove to yourself (?) and now to me here, that you arent sure that I have grown that much. Dont you think thats a bit wierd behaviour? The biggest thing that has come out of this 2 years is that I HAVE grown.. all my friends and family say it and I am a better person for it. I am more patient, compassionate, easy going, less fearful and more giving.

Neaj, this is a public forum, you are welcome here, I just ask you.. please dont post if you arent my friend, or have respect for me. I dont think its healthy for either of us and its no fun for anyone reading.

Mish.. thanks for your support! I missed you too.. my back is bad!! But it was kind of useful in a funny way, as the technicians felt so guilty (it was their fault) that I had 2 out of 3 of them helping me and so my space noise trumpet speaker boxes (its art!) look amazing ! I worked really hard on them, I sanded them for 4 hours today !!

[AliSuddenly]

So.. to ML or not to ML, this is the question. Rob.. I was planning on doing what you suggested... stay over, but not ML. Last week, I kept my underwear on (yes Maria, I forgot to tell you that bit !!!). After living together for 8 1/2 years, thats obviously not back to normal yet!

Andabelle - he knows I have a bad back, and has been very sweet about it! It was surprisingly not wierd last week, only when it came to say goodbye. It must have been for him though, because I felt a little awkward in bed at one point and he didnt want to stay over the next night when he could have.

Today.. he called again.. I let it go to voicemail, so then he TEXTED me to say he had tried to call and got VM and would try again in a minute.. so I answered but said I was busy and said, call later if you like.. so he did and we chatted and after 1/2 hour I said.. I will let you go now, I have stuff to do... so, I am trying !

He invited me over tommorow lunchtime, he has 6 friends coming to camp for the weekend! I said, I cant, I have to go to college, but I will come later, maybe teatime.. he said, cant you tell them your back is bad and you have to leave early? I said, maybe.. he said, ok, I will call you at 1 and see if you can leave.

BUT.. he could have seen me tonight, but he said he was going to see MF instead. I was glad in fact.. but he is still tiptoeing around me and being a bit reticent. About tommorow, at first he said "Maybe we could catch up tommorow, or something" and when I sounded hesistant and said, if you like.. he said "Yes! Definetly I would like that". So its all still confusing hey and seems he is needing to chase me. I am a bit rubbish at that stuff, I know ,he knows, everyone knows I am a done deal, but I am trying !!

[AliSuddenly]

I forgot something else.. he said again about wanting to come to my show. The show is in mid June (he knows that) and so I guess he is mentioning things in the future .. even if it is only 3 or 4 weeks away. SO thats postiive! (I dont bring up future things with him). Also.. the friends that are coming tommorow are from our hometown. As he was holding my hand and kissed me in front of Cher and G, I assume he will be doing this in front of them.. so we will be truly going 'public' now.

Sort of feels a bit unbelievable, unreal, like a dream even...

[naej]

Ali, I was not going to post to you again but you have questioned my integrity and singled me out.I note you still did not concede that many others said the same as me.
I am to be the scapegoat,so be it.

Honesty,truthfulness and integrity are things closest to my heart and how I live my life and always have.

I appreciate that you are a free spirit, over enthusiastic and wildly imaginative-that is your charm.

I went back to check for my own sake to see if I had been unfair in my remarks also to try to read of these encounters of nights together that I had missed.The teacher in me I guess. I recognise that we cannot always like/gel with some people but we can always be fair and non judgemental.This I strive to do.
I am more than able to apologise if I had been harsh. I like to check facts, I like to verify things, it is how my mind works.
Nothing sinister.

I have never felt that not being a cheerleader = negativity.Indeed I have always tried to prevent posters from either drowning in pain and hopelessness or getting too carried away by the small steps only to crash.
A balanced approach,this is a long journey for most.

Surely the point of saying something on someones thread is personal.As you say this is a public forum.
If you were my daughter I would be saying the same things.
You say you have won him back, I would question that,but that is me.What matters is that you believe it b/c you stated it.

You say that you are hurt yet again.I am sorry you feel that way.
I also have been very hurt many times over your remarks to me, but I continued to post realising that you are in a very emotional state and volatile.
You are right this is not good for other posters to read,so I will no longer post.

I truly hope that you have won him back but fear you have a longer journey ahead than you realise but I admire your certainty and optimism.
Nothing I have posted to you has been other than from my heart or truthfully quoted from what you yourself have posted,that any poster can read.
I hope this is now laid to rest.

[AliSuddenly]

Neaj.. I am not 'singling you out' and you are not a scapegoat. My comments to you are only ever in direct response to your comments to me, here and on others threads in the past.

I do NOT post remarks to you because I am emotional or volatile Neaj, I cant have you think that. You can be quite blunt and sort of sound not really on my side sometimes. I wouldnt say I was a 'free spirit', I just have a strong intuitive sense. But thankyou for saying I am charming !

I KNOW we have a long journey ahead, Neaj, I am not stupid. Because I post about the hear and now does not negate the stuff that is coming up a month, a year from now. Its just not relevant yet !

I am just starting on this journey with him and it is nerve racking..I have won him back, but for how long? So perhaps I need some gentle encouragement? And optimism, why not? We all need hope.

I feel perhaps you need to work on some healing for yourself. You post here daily but your H left 8 years ago. For some reason, you have liked to pick away at me. I am not sure what purpose that serves for you, but it hasnt helped me in dealing with my ex!!! These threads are here to help us DB?

If you want to join in with that, like I said, you are more than welcome Neaj. Truly.

[AliSuddenly]

oh and sorry for getting your name wrong, yet again! I meant Naej.

I have notified the moderators to shut my thread earlier tonight anyway, as I was thinking I might move to piecing.. but maybe that would jinx it!? Perhaps I should see how it goes tommorow first...