Got a text from H today. Wants to meet for lunch tmrw. Can only assume it's about his appt with the credit counselor today but I didn't ask. Considered saying I wasn't available but I'd like the phone to stop ringing. So I agreed. Meeting for lunch right after my appt with C. Should be good to prep for lunch with the C beforehand.
Assume it'll just be finance discussions. Plan to keep focus on H - listen to his ideas (but no commitment to plan tmrw/just listen). I always handled the bills so I feel like it's very important to really listen to how H is thinking of handling situation. Plan to talk with the finances and then make light conversation focused on H and how he's doing. I know I'm skinnier than last time he saw me but doubt he'll notice or acknowledge. Most every day someone comments at work my jeans are hanging off me.
So, the goals for tmrw:
be upbeat no R talk don't get emotional work on friendship - period
Goals for the week for GAL:
tennis lessons nurture friendships spend time with Mom more Craigslist items sign up for 10k with my sis
Met H for lunch right after my C appt. So, we made small talk about work, etc. Sounds like he doesn't feel secure at work and has applied around town with some other things. He's always wanted to work in the ski industry, so this is a surprise but I didn't react. Just listened. Still planning to put in for mountain jobs in the fall.
Discussed bills and the plan. Then he started looking away like he knew he needed to say some things but how to start... said he wants to talk to the kids but wasn't sure when or what to say. Validated that could be hard but he doesn't need to have all the answers right now, but reassure them he cares about them and none of this is their fault. He nodded his head.
Then he said there was something else he wanted to talk to me about but since I had to go back to work, he'd wait. I have no idea what this could be. Assume it's that he's started a R with OW but up until now he's completely denied it and their FB pages (according to BF) say people should mind their own Biz and OW says she's a proud Christian willing to shout it from the rooftops...! I send up prayers that God will work in her life to realize that she's not helping a marriage to heal with her involvement with H, on whatever level it is.
Anyway, H had some tools he wanted to get from the house so when I got home after picking up the dog from the groomer, he was loading his mountain bike, kayak stuff and tools into his car. I asked if he was taking everything and said he didn't need to unless he had a place to store it.. but he seemed to clearly want to get his stuff out. I tried to play it off like no biggie but I think my reaction came through.
Other than that, I was pretty confident and happy. He started off lunch asking how I was and when I said 'good', he said 'well, that's good then, right?'. Whatever.
Feeling pretty mad right now. I really thought we'd be together forever. And 'if' he's with a 21 yr old, I think it's the ultimate slap - I mean how much worse can it get, unless he left me for another man! I really feel like a loser that I couldn't keep him happy.
On the other hand, he's responsible for his happiness and he's the one not showing the maturity to stay committed or work on us.
The neighbor guy asked him today what was up. H said he really wanted to move to the mtns permanently and when the neighbor said he thought H had it all here - freedom to go ski whenever, wife that didn't nag about it, money, etc. - H said he thought we were at different points in our lives. Neighbor asked if there was a chick involved, and H said no.
So, I'll snap back but for tonight I'm just angry and irritated. I deserve the chance to make us work. And his selfishness and guilt/shame/whatever is keeping him from opening up and trying to make us work. Very, very frustrating!
I went back a couple weeks to read my posts. Obviously I let myself get focused on H again yesterday, but today is a new day. Taking focus off him and back on myself. Read a post from "kara" who put it so well... 'let go and let God'. So it's out of my control and out of my hands.
Tennis tonight - I'm looking forward to getting some lessons and then I can play with the kids at the park. Moving ahead...
As Scarlett said, 'tomorrow is another day' and I'm going to make it a good one.
It does sound like it was a hard day there for you mnt. I feel for you. But like you reminded me look back at what you said the goals for the meeting were. It sounds like you accomplished them and did well keeping strong while H was there.
I understand how its easy to slip and get focused on H. I found that post you mentioned really helped me regain my perspective and begin to refocus on me again rather than what I can't control.
Tomorrow is another day you are so right, I think this all the time as well as 'one day at a time' when I get overwhelmed.
Good for you on the tennis. Have you ever played before? That is something I always thought about doing but my coordination never agreed too well with the idea.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
Thanks Hope. Tennis was a blast. I laughed all the way through it bc my coordination isn't that great either. I kept launching the ball like a baseball and sending the ball flying... but it was fun and we all laughed at ourselves! It goes for 4 weeks and on Wed's which is my free night so it's a good distraction.
Then I went to my BF's and watched their 4 yr old break dance and then read him some books b4 bed. So sweet he is, and they grow up overnight...!
I had a call from the radiologist office that they want to re-do my mammogram. That's disturbing but I guess it could be anything... I'll call the DR tmrw for more info but I can't even imagine how hard it would be to go thru chemo as a single mom. But I will take it one day at a time and just stick with that.
Talked to H twice today about bills. He seems a little more comfortable talking to me on the phone so maybe lunch yesterday was good for that and working on the friendship, which I did have listed as a goal. Maybe it's something to build on but I'm just gonna take care of myself and the kids.
I should note that I woke up today feeling pretty angry/mad at H for his actions. I think I'm moving along in the grief process and healthy anger is part of it. By mid-day I wasn't thinking about H anymore and tonight I'm fine. I've never been very good at holding a grudge anyway.
Just read a post from 'Coach' with an interesting quote 'the people that have had success DB'g kept a PMA and found the good in the situation'.
So, PMA - I believe I'm doing very well. Haven't cried in awhile, making more changes around the house to make it feel different/more my own, exercising, getting comments almost every day about how good I look (15 lbs lost), feeling much more myself at work with laughters and smiles back on my face, comfortable with the kids and how they're coping and I feel pretty peaceful most days anymore.
My BF's H that works with my H told BF after I left last night that I seem to be doing much better than H. Guess he doesn't seem happy and he thought I seemed to be doing pretty well. I think I am too!
And the good in the situation.....
I was taking my R for granted. This situation reminds me about the value of a happy, healthy R. I am working on how to get my teenagers to open up with feelings... instead of just coasting along, I'm working on healthy discussions when they're open to it. I've talked with FIL and SIL more and mended some fences there. I appreciate my BFs, but want to listen to their stuff too - it's a two-way street and it's nice to get the focus off of me. Mammogram scare... won't know for a few weeks along the dr said it's quite common to have to re-do the films. The good in that is it reminds me to take care of my body. Especially as a single mom. Eat right, exercise. Appreciate the time we have while we have it.
Today I de-personalized the house a little more. Switched up our dish set that we picked out together for another set I've been storing. Went through the bedroom and boxed up the last of H's things and tossed what I could. Found a pile of cards he had kept over the years (anniversary and v-day cards from me and/or the kids) and I put those away.
I guess I just feel like I need to change up the spaces in the house more. It doesn't seem like H has any intention of reaching out to me. The LRT isn't getting any reaction from H, unless I'm overlooking something. No texts or calls. Did have lunch Tues but it was small talk and bills, and I still think he only wanted to meet in order to tell me something else about his situation - either with OW or something different. But no indication he wanted to meet just to see me. Maybe I should be doing something different, but what?
FIL said that H mentioned to him that he was glad I was taking care of myself. Not sure what that means... but is that a reaction to LRT or just trying to find some peace with his decisions?
But regardless, I am taking good care of myself and feeling much better. Still cry sometimes, like when I was looking for some photos of the kids for my FB page, b/c H was such a part of our lives; but mostly I'm feeling pretty decent.
Lots to be grateful for, including two great kids that love me unconditionally. That is a blessing in itself.
Way to go on the PMA. I also need to de-personalize. I don't know what is holding me back. Like seeing her car at the gym isn't sign enough that he isn't coming back. Enjoy the kids. It's always good for everyone all around.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Thx for the post. My PMA is pretty good right now. My kids are so good and special to me. As a sophomore and junior in HS, I have such little time left. Gotta make the most of it. My S went to prom last night with a group. He didn't get home until 3:30am but I did a good job trusting him, and even went to sleep until he got home. I definitely wish my H was still here to have talks with S and support me with the challenges of teenagers, but I know I can handle whatever comes my way.
I've had two invites from male friends this week... just friends and I want to get out and do some things when the kids aren't home. But it feels strange. I really just want H to wake up and start noticing me again, but it doesn't seem like that's going to happen any time soon. I have no romantic interest in these two but they are fun single guys so maybe it'd be good for me?
Also, the wedding ring... any thoughts from those that have walked this journey beforehand regarding the ring... how long to keep it on during a separation. I understand it's a personal choice, but I'm starting to wonder... if I'm GAL and want to show H's friends and family I'm moving on with life, should I take off the ring? Just curious what others think.
I can't advise on the wedding ring as I gave my engagement ring (his grandmother's ring) back. He never worked enough to buy me a wedding ring.
I would go and have fun with your friends. I'm sure others won't agree, but it isn't like your H is sitting at home pining away.
Congrats on being able to sleep while the son was out. Mine gets his license this June. I am so not looking forward to it!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
and then read him some books b4 bed. So sweet he is, and they grow up overnight...!