I am still here. I check the boards every day. I just haven't been posting. I went and reread my earlier posts and I sound like a whiny baby. I am really confused and don't know what to do. My W is done with me I think and I really don't want that, but I have to accept it. She hasn't filed but I think she is close.
I just can't get past my insecurities with this EA and I keep bringing things up or stay mad deep down and it affects my mood. I think I said earlier that I just can't get past myself on this thing and it has happened again. Today was a horrible day. Rainy, miserable and we had a big fight today. She told me she is done. I am not done, but I may have to be.
Again, I appreciate your help and sticking with me. I have been reading everyone else's threads to try to give me perspective and advice while I haven't been posting.
So.......I brought you out, huh? Well, good. I think that is the first time I have ever use the red, mad face....
Well, I don't mean to sound stupid when your heart is breaking. But, I'll be honest......I want to shake you until your teeth rattles. I think you know how you are screwing up, but you just keep doing it anyway! Do you honestly blame her for wanting to give up and leave you when you act like a jerk all the time? You are doing completely opposite from what you NEED to be doing. So, she's having an EA! It could be worse. It could be a PA....and if you don't straighten up and "man-up", like in the next 60 seconds, you can expect her to do exactly that! Will that make you feel more justified when she has a PA? Will you go around and tell your friends how wrong she has done you and how hard "you" tried to make it work? If you do, then you will lie b/c you haven't tried hard enough.
Why would she want to stay with you? I wouldn't! All you are doing is feeling sorry for yourself. Your ego is hurt! Well, big deal. Get over it and fight to save your marriage!! Do you think going around acting like an over-grown, immature, self-centered little boy is making you more attractive to her? I think not! But that is how you appear to her. Listen to me. I have been in her shoes and I am telling you that if she leaves......IT IS YOUR FAULT b/c you have not applied the DB techniques like you have been told. You said it yourself.....YOU CAN'T GET PAST IT. Okay, well then just chunk your marriage out the door if you can't get over it. Why can't you get over it? B/c you can't see past your own nose, that is why!
I am really disappointed that you could not pull this together. I know an EA is strong and I know it hurts the M badly. I know all of that. I also know that a M can survive an EA! But you are the one that is going to have to change first in order for it to happen. Are you willing to do that? You don't seem to be. You are ready to throw in the towell b/c it is just too hard. Your wife is through with you. Does that mean you are through with her as well?
I really did expect more from you. Somehow, I think deep down you expect more of yourself or you would not still be hanging around reading the board.
Please don't give up the fight for your marriage. It can be saved.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have to agree, it's not over until you determine it's over. She may have the power, but you have time. Keep on fighting Razr, I mean, isn't that what a real Razr would do?
Thanks for the wake up call. I am not a quitter, I just had a really low point I was going through. I woke up today with a new attitude. I will begin DBing again and doing it the right way. I am calling to get a DB Coach appointment as soon as I am finished writing this note.
We have another MC on Wednesday and as of now I think she is going. I am going to lay low and stop pressuring her. She is at the breaking point. Time to back off and give her space. Time to get back to working on me.
ALRIGHT!! I knew you had it in you all the time! That is a wonderful move....to get a DB counselor. I have read several posts from those who only had one or more sessions and felt a world of difference.
I am proud of you. I knew you were not a quitter! You do have what it takes and yes, I understand those low points. Sometimes we do have to have a wake-up call to get up and dust off and go at it again.
Your M is a valuable union and I believe you will work hard to do what you need to do to control your anger and to try to get past her EA. Ask the DB coach how to do that and how you are to stop from throwing that in your W's face. Every time you get mad at her and bring up the EA, you lose the ground that has been gained. Try to remember that. What happened can't be undone and as I said before....it could get worse if she is continually pushed in the wrong direction.
But, you know what? I have seen a few times when things could take a big turn around. I don't say that to "set you up" for disappointment, but hopefully to encourage you to hang in there.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I liked Jody. Hang in there. When you say things to upset her or bring up her mistakes, of course she's going to say it's over. Who wants to be around someone who's going to point out their flaws, their mistakes? So, stop it. That EA is probably more over than you realize. She probably has as much connection to it as you do to Sandi2 or me, which is to say, her relationship with that person is one of support, like we support you. So, stop it. Let it go.
I'm glad to hear from you again! I am about to leave for our MC session today and I am really nervous about the outcome. I am afraid she finished like she said this weekend. She hasn't called me or texted me like normal and to my credit I haven't either as much. I have sent some asking how she is doing, ect. But nothing at all today.
I have paid for my 3 sessions with a coach, I just haven't called to schedule yet. I think I do so later today.
How are things going with you? Your thread locked up and I didn't know how to get in touch with you. Hope you are doing better than me!
Lonely, You are doing great. Remember, when you say things that remind her of her screw ups or mistakes, she's going to say things like that. Again, who wants to be around the person that is going to point that crap out to them? So to help with that, stop bringing it up. That EA, if it's even still viable will die. Relationships based on lying and deceit don't have the umph to make it. And she had to lie to you and go behind your back. It's a relationship started on dishonesty--let it go. It will die if it hasn't already. In the meantime, just be the best spouse you can be. Be the guy everyone women will tell your W, "You're crazy to leave him. But by the way, if you do, can I have his number?" Work on you, you're doing great. Get out of your head.
Way to get back on that horse that threw you. I've worked with Leni and Chuck and they are both very good. Leni is like talking to your wise Aunt that gives you great practical advice, and Chuck is a real upbeat motivator that will really help with getting your PMA back in check. I think all the coaches have a certain area of strength, if neither of these sound like what you need, call the DB center and tell them what areas you are looking to work on and I'm sure they will refer you to the right person. They did for me, twice.
ALRIGHT!! I knew you had it in you all the time! That is a wonderful move....to get a DB counselor. I have read several posts from those who only had one or more sessions and felt a world of difference.