1.) Wondering how I should approach the next month. a.) One book said I should call every couple of weeks. b.) I thought about waiting the 3 week period again. c.) he really hasn't initiated any calling since January d.) thinking about calling him in a week to make plans...not sure.
L...do you think that this is as far as it will ever get with A? You told me that his responses were just out of kindness. Since you see things more clearly than I do, do you think that I am chasing a dream? He doesn't seem to make any kind of social advances. I really don't want to quit trying or hoping. I'd hate to think that this will never ever come to any fruition. I kinda got the feeling the last time we spoke that you suspect that A & I won't reach my end of summer goals. I got that impression because you have documentation of A's behavior these past 3 years. I guess I am feeling out of sorts and need encouragement. Thinking about how he went 1-1/2 years w/o talking to me still makes me cry. PMSing.
Goal:
1.) I'd still need to lose weight. 2.) I still need to get $$$ in order. a.) still working on it. 3.) Not sure how to approach the note. 4.) want to tell him that I want to do his taxes 5.) want to make copies of pictures that he has 6.) want to ask him to go to a show 7.) wondering how & when I should pick up on his ques
1.) Would like to see Blue Man Group with A for his birthday in June 2.) Have to ask him 3.) Trying to stay positive with Gratitude and Positive Visualization of past and future events
PMSing so things seem scattered in my head. My goals are certain, but achieving them floats right over my head.
1.) I'd like A to be agreeable when I offer to meet him for a drink. ??? 2.) I'd like him to be open and accepting to a social summer with him. ??? 3.) Still thinking of giving him my card ... not sure of timing. ??? 4.) Cocktail party 5.) Drive In Movie 6.) Blue Man Group 7.) Breakfast for E's birthday
I just don't want to miss the bus when everyone else seems to be able to grab it on time. It seems like I've been waiting for it a long time, but one minute I hesitate, I'll miss it. Don't want to do that, buuuuuut I don't want to rush on before the doors open either!!!
1.) Practice courage, strength, and more aggressive attitude.
2.) Force things a little bit; start bending things. Effort and focus are vital. Narrow my vision. Then go. And don't look back. Don't even look sideways. Be determined and definite.
1.) Happy today. a.) Not sure why, but I'll take it.
2.) Had hair foiled, went clothes shopping. a.) always makes me feel good
3.) work was fun, started awful, ended great. a.) my manager bought us dinner...was fun. b.) met lots of very nice people tonight. c.) felt like I did well and was able to give kindness.
4.) got tickets to pro-baseball game for Friday night. a.) I invited my Dad. We're taking the train in.
Personal Goals for Summer:
1.) Go to Pro-baseball game (*) 2.) Go to the beach 3.) Go to the Drive-in 4.) take more pictures 5.) have cocktail party and movie night at house 6.) have party at house for work friends 7.) have brunch for girlfriends 8.) go to Cape for the weekend 9.) see my old friends that I haven't seen in awhile 10.) go to the theatre 11.) go to NYC for weekend 12.) go to Boston for the weekend 13.) have fun and never give up hope!!!
1.) Socialize with A 2 times per month. 2.) Have personal time together. 3.) Invite him to E's birthday party. 4.) Invite him to cocktail party. 5.) Go to dinner/lunch. 6.) Go to movies.
Want to give him the card I gave him.
I am very confused because I bought more books. One book says that I shouldn't go more than two weeks without initiating contacting in someway. Another books said to never initiate contact and to always wait until he calls (play the game).
L, I need to have concrete plans. I have goals, but I need to know how to get there. I don't feel good about calling him or initiating all the time, but I just want to do the right thing. I want to show him that I can take some control and be assertive in the way that A can handle.
I felt good when A started calling me after the three week going dark plan, but now what do I do? Do I do the same thing? What steps do I take now. I feel that I don't have any boundaries to help support me. I feel very lost.
If I stop trying or hoping or praying for this, if I take a break from this, I might as well stop breathing!
I know that I made mistakes, but I didn't do anything to deserve having A divorce me. The kind of mistakes I made were resolvable. They were something I could have changed by having a simple conversation to make me aware. I am not very good at mind reading.
Goals help, but I feel that I have nothing to ground me. I almost feel as lost as I did when he first left. It's almost like I live in a surreal world. Am I in a dream? I just want to get into my car and drive home to my H. Some other couple lives in our house, my H is not with me, our friends abandoned me, my job is finally feeling comfortable. M was all that I had, but she turned out to be poison.
I keep waiting for my life to begin again. I'm waiting for A. I am doing the things that I want to do. I am aiming for my personal goals, but it doesn't complete me.
God is good to me, and I feel that he is answering my prayers. I feel, though, that he must have a deaf ear on what I am asking for in regard to my relationship with A. What is happening? Is he answering my prayers. Sometimes, I think he is.
Am I a fool? Am I pathetic? I don't think so. Because it is over 2-1/2 years separated, is it wrong for me to still pray and hope for a reconciliation? I don't think so. The world does. The people in my church do. The people I work with do.
One thing is, I am learning not to care what anyone else feels or thinks. I suppose that is a mark of strength. I am feeling more confident and my life is broadening. However, my pathway seems dim and it's difficult for me to find my way. I know that I want to get there. I just don't know how.
Dear JoJo, After looking at your list, it appears that #3 & #4 are "things to do" to possibly get #1 accomplished: -invite him to E's bday party -invite him to cocktail party
These events are happening fairly soon, right? Is it time to get ready to attempt these? What medium (voicemail, call, email, face-to-face, etc.,) would work best when inviting A to these? I know you know that you want to offer an upbeat tone no matter how you choose to invite him. :o)
#3 & #4 offer gentle "nudges" to the relationship and allow you to interact with A more consistently, which shows a bit more assertiveness (which is an attractive feature) and creates more interaction.
What if we just focus on that for this next step before taking on the rest of the list, JoJo?
With much care and support,
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Thanks...not sure what will make me feel better. I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster ride. I don't deserve it.
Sometimes, I want to slug him in the jaw...stupid, idiot, jerk! He gets mad at my nephew for talking to my mother and to me so poorly. He doesn't like my sister-in-law for being so condescending when she talks to me. Yet, what he did is not any better. I can take my nephew and my sister-in-law. He talks to me about how terrible it is that 'so & so' are getting a divorce. Then, I want to beat him up!!! Does he want me to stand up to him? I want to sit him down and tell him that what he did was extremely deplorable.
I have read book after book after book. In every case, there was a reason why someone left someone else. They were terribly needy, they were neglectful, disrespectful, screaming, yelling, nagging, impatient. Some of these things lead to cheating. There were alcholism, abuse, gambling, over-work, under-work.
I have come to the conclusion that I didn't do anything that couldn't have been fixed, tweaked or even encouraged.
I am so mad at myself for calling him back when that day he told me he wanted a divorce. He told me on the phone while I was driving home from work!!! I had to pull over I was in such a state of schock. I told him that I couldn't talk and he said 'ok, please call me back soon'. I did! What a jerk I was! I hate myself for that.
Lately, my goals have been:
1.) I want him to apologize to me. 2.) I want him to work at seeking me out. 3.) I want him to initiate seeing me. 4.) I want him to miss me. 5.) I want to stop making it easy for him. 6.) I want to see it in his actions that he regrets what he did. 7.) I want him to want to talk to me. 8.) I want to see that he wants to adore me.
Of course, I want to see him. I could care less what he does or who he is with when he is not with me, but I want him to desire to be with me again. I decided that game playing is not a bad thing. I want to play hard to get. I want him to know that I'm not so available. I want him to know that I am busy with building my life. I am tired.
