WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 8

[volleydog]

I have asked my W the same thing in the past but I leave it up to her. So I would say if you trust her then just tell her to go ahead and get what she needs, if not you need to be there.

[confusedinpa]

I do trust her, but would like to see her. Guess I should just let her go by herself so I can stay Dark/Dim...

Anyone else with any thoughts?

[confusedinpa]

Well, I just sent her the email in response:

"I’ve got something going on for lunch but if you need me there I can reschedule."

[confusedinpa]

She called me asking something tactical about the kids. I just let it go to my voicemail.

Is this normal - during the first week or so since she's moved out, she has called, emailed/text me everyday. I'm trying to play it dark/dim but not be a total jerk or cold. I assume that dark/dim isn't about being cold, but rather mysterious. Right?

[confusedinpa]

Well I might have blew the dark/dim thing again today. I hadn't talked to her all day and let her call go to voice mail.

I found out the teachers in our area accepted their contract so a second strike wouldn't happen this school year. I was so excited/happy that I forwarded it to my wife. She then called me right away all excited as well. I think I was cold again. I just did a few ok's and hmms. Guess I still need to work on it.

She then sent me an email a few seconds after we hung up about the kids picture day coming up.

She seems very interactive. Is this normal for a WAW that just moved out?

[confusedinpa]

Hmmm.....

Not much input on WAW's who just moved out but is maintaining contact (emails/text/phone calls). It really makes it hard to go Dark/Dim.

I suspect that she will get a little mad with my most recent email.

Our car insurance bill is one that she takes care of (we split the bills between us). When she moved out, she changed the insurance so she was expecting a partial refund, so she sent me an email asking if it came in yet. Prior to her moving out, there were 2 bills which she normally takes care of but didn't pay so they went past due.

So I sent her reply email of:

"I haven't seen it yet, but will let you know when I get it.

Let me know how you want to handle the bills from March that went past due"

I'm sure that is going to tick her off. I'm not trying to push buttons, but just establishing some boundaries. I was trying to be nice/polite and buisness like with the email so it doesn't seem like I'm trying to be a jerk about it. She knows I already paid the bills.

Any thoughts?

[confusedinpa]

Well guess she got me, she said that she thinks that either I can take care of the past due bills or split the mortgage payment with her since she was only there for 2/3's of the month.

I don't think I need to reply to that one.....

[volleydog]

No that's not one to reply to.

On the dim/dark just remember don't be cold you can have a nice conv. w/her just don't start it and be the one to end it. If all your doing is saying ok, uh huh, ect. it can come across as being unhappy or cold and distant, you HAVE to show the PMA.

[MrBond]

No. No. and No. to all of your postings above about interactions with the W.

Being cold/distant is one thing. Being there at her beck and call is totally something else.

Right now she contacts you when it's convenient for her. Well you have a life now right? Live it. You no longer have to see if she needs help or if she "wants" you to do something for her.

Stay busy. It's not a 180 because of what happened in the past. You might have been unattentive in the past, but you've shown her that you are no longer like that. It was a different place and a different time.

She wanted space. Give it to her.

[confusedinpa]

No. No. and No. to all of your postings above about interactions with the W.

Being cold/distant is one thing. Being there at her beck and call is totally something else.

Right now she contacts you when it's convenient for her. Well you have a life now right? Live it. You no longer have to see if she needs help or if she "wants" you to do something for her.

Stay busy. It's not a 180 because of what happened in the past. You might have been unattentive in the past, but you've shown her that you are no longer like that. It was a different place and a different time.

She wanted space. Give it to her.

I called the boys tonite to say goodnite. They were still brushing their teeth so I told her that I'll just call back since I just got in so I need to make dinner.

She seemed surprised that I got in so late. She asked if I had my therapy/counseling appointment this late. I told her no, since she's not going I scheduled them early/right after work.

She then started to talk about her day and stuff that was going on with her. I tried to be polite but then asked if the kids were ready to talk yet. They weren't so she just continued. After a few minutes, the kids came on the line. I chatted with them for a bit and my youngest handed the phone back to her. She asked if she could call me later tonite to talk about something. I said ok.

She called me back within in 5 minutes and asked if I wanted to sign up for bowling for the summer with the kids. I said sure, sounds good. She continued on for a bit and I finally said that I had to eat dinner.

She called me back about 20 minutes later and I told her that I would need to call her back as I was in the middle of something. She said ok.

I waited for about 20 minutes and called her. She chatted about some tactical stuff and then I said I had to get going. She promised not to call me again tonite.

I know I shouldn't have answered her call....

Very odd behavior. Talking with my friend who is a WAW, she doesn't think this is normal either.

I just don't understand what she is doing...