No, folks, nothing dire...just overwork and not feeling so great.
Saw my kidney specialist on Wed. Turns out my stones (which he believes were there for at least 5 years) are in the meat of my lower left kidney and thus not amenable to external "blasting", nor to standard surgery. (the huge honder another surgeon removed last summer was not embedded this way).
Sooooo...if I bleed, get infections, if the pain becomes too much to handle, I get to have that whole 3rd of my kidney removed (serious surgery, significant side-effects and risks )
Oy! Have I not travelled the surgery road enough already? This will be my 6th major surgery. And I HATE the hospital.
Actually, our city is building a new one, so my goal is to hold off until it's finished!
Was just up at our "old hospital" to visit Nana last night (she's doing better ) and the initial smell of the place gave me a reactive shudder.
Had a few touch and go moments with CJ, but always resolved before much time passed. A superior approach to just brushing my misbehaviours under the carpet and expecting him to "take it".
Thought I'd illuminate one of those "touch and go" moments I alluded to in my last post.
We were heading out for lunch and before we left I said "I have to call in my prescriptions". But I forgot to do so. So as CJ was gassing up the car I pulled out the cell and made the call.
He hopped in just as I was saying goodbye to the pharamcist and asked who I was talking to. I SWEAR, without even thinking and in a very joking/light tone of voice I said..."Oh, that was just my boyfriend, we're meeting later".
One look at CJ's face and I knew that he did NOT find my quip funny. I told him immediately who I'd been speaking with. He said that this was a touchy subject for both of us and I agreed (although I THINK I threw in a bit about me NOT being the one who cheated). Kind of put a damper on lunch.
CJ's out getting some beers and checking the car's fluids for a trip out to D&H's tonight. And, ahem, he brought in some of those empty beer cases!!!
Quote: He hopped in just as I was saying goodbye to the pharamcist and asked who I was talking to. I SWEAR, without even thinking and in a very joking/light tone of voice I said..."Oh, that was just my boyfriend, we're meeting later".
One look at CJ's face and I knew that he did NOT find my quip funny. I told him immediately who I'd been speaking with. He said that this was a touchy subject for both of us and I agreed (although I THINK I threw in a bit about me NOT being the one who cheated). Kind of put a damper on lunch.
sometimes I wonder if h thinks I'm more likely to have an a now...kind of like a "revenge one" though maybe not that reactive? Like, it's all that guilt talking...don't I deserve to have her cheat on me? or, at least, why wouldn't she?
Sounds like you handled it great AND it got you talking! Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Duh...I think YOU guys know this but I probably should have tacked this on to my last post...
as much as I sometimes yearn to be found attractive by someone else (Lord knows my self-esteem took a severe beating thanks to h's a), and while there are still times when I'm mad or hurt enough to lose my mind....I think I'm even LESS likely to have an a. than before. the thought of putting someone else through the pain I have been thru seems unfathomable.
(tho' I DO sometimes selfishly wish there was a way for h to really and truly FEEL just how horrendously devastating this whole thing has been...and how it has lasted even to today).
Anyway...h can rest easy...his a made it less not more likely
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: sometimes I wonder if h thinks I'm more likely to have an a now...kind of like a "revenge one" though maybe not that reactive? Like, it's all that guilt talking...don't I deserve to have her cheat on me? or, at least, why wouldn't she?
Oh wow, yeah, the revenge affair! I've thought about it in my deepest darkest moments. There was a time (early pre-bomb) that I thought about that quite a bit. I had never had any desire, ever, to hurt him until that time. I knew that it wouldn't have the desired effect though. The thoughts were about hurting back and my devistated pride.
Interesting subject, though. Do either of you ever have the feeling, like I do, that it would be nice if these guys showed even a little jealousy or possessiveness once in a while?
Quote: Interesting subject, though. Do either of you ever have the feeling, like I do, that it would be nice if these guys showed even a little jealousy or possessiveness once in a while?
Personally, I think every woman likes his man to show a little fear of losing her, and some possessiveness. But only a little: it would get quite uncomfortable if he got to be too much of a bear.
I did get a huge thrill this July 4th, when my H showed up at the party and saw me chatting with the guys. And there were a couple of really good looking ones that were quite interested in me... My then-estranged H stood guard by me the rest of the evening, with our daughter for reinforcements.
We are only human after all...
As to the revenge affair: it is a tempting thought but I think it would be stooping to his level. And that robs me of the high moral ground (which is good to have even when you do not use it). Ooops, my machiavelic side is showing...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Cool! an exchange of thoughts on my sorry thread!!
Yes all, I too entertained the idea of the revenge A. This was VERY early on....like the night of bomb#1...actually, all I envisioned then was letting some long time male friends have a "glimpse" of me I'd long denied them. (I think my very modesty just feeds their desire! ).
Of course, that was when I thought CJ had just "kissed" an OW.
When I found out about the two EA/PAs I was FLOORED...too hurt to really think of A's.
I have to agree with Sage on this one: I think I am LESS likely to go that route than before (although I never seriously entertained that option EVER), seeing what it does to everyone involved.
So YES, I was a bit taken aback at how upset CJ seemed about the "boyfriend" quip. It made me realize that HE is not as sure of me as he'd like to be...perhaps it IS the element of: Well if "I" could be led astray...so could YOU!
And Optimist, I agree that I would NOT want to stoop to that level...there is something about having the higher moral ground that is satisfying, isnt' there?
And yes, it actually IS nice to have CJ show some posessiveness...SOME...because for a time about 8 years ago he went overboard with that...freaking on ME for attentions male pals were directing at me that I did NOT encourage! (How could I control someone saying I have a nice butt when I'm bending over putting on shoes???? )
Last night for example, one of our notoriously flirty, womanizing pals (yes, he's married ) was taking photos of us all with his digital camera. I was busy talking, not noticing that he was targeting ME. CJ noticed and called him on it!!! Put his arm around me in every photo J tried to take. ...That was okay.
Slept in late again today (what else is new?), but managed to lure CJ back into bed too...we joked around some (nice to just TOUCH him!) and then headed out for an obscenely huge "Blupper".
Quote: Interesting subject, though. Do either of you ever have the feeling, like I do, that it would be nice if these guys showed even a little jealousy or possessiveness once in a while?
I've seen flashes of it (very, very rarely) in my h but I think I've been so busy being jealous and possessive that there's been no need/room for him to be.
But, yah, I wouldn't mind hearing the "opposite" of the ILYBINILWY speech -- a la, some indication that he would be afraid of losing me.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
)
) and the initial smell of the place gave me a reactive shudder. 
).
)
) was taking photos of us all with his digital camera. I was busy talking, not noticing that he was targeting ME. CJ noticed and called him on it!!! Put his arm around me in every photo J tried to take. 
...That was okay.