I would like some advice. I have a thread on Newcomers trying to GAL, DR etc as I have a WAW. I do not want to believe she is involved in an EA/PA and for four months I have snooped and accused, though the last time was in January, but I have never found any evidence to support this apart from the usual ILYBIANILWU, distance, no physical contact etc.
I have my children this weekend as we are now seperated. My daughter tried on numerous occasions to call my wife on our landline and her mobile, but there was no answer until approximately 11am this morning. My wife told my daughter she slept in and did not hear the phone, which I find hard to believe because she is such a light sleeper. I went around the house in the last hour to pick up some clothes. I probably should not have done, but I looked around and found the night lights were still on, the fish tank lights were not switched on, the curtains in the bathroom were still drawn, and her toothbrush was not there. She told my daughter she was going from home after she got up to go swimming with her friend. I do not believe for one minute she was at our home last night and after reading this I guess most people probably would say the same.
This is the first instance of maybe a possible EA has developed into a PA, though I feel sick just writing this, because I now have the children every other weekend, which allows my wife to do whatever she is doing.
A few weeks ago I would have flipped my lid, accused her of lying and who is she seeing. I am so confused, hurt because I do not know what to do now. Please give me some advice and am I being paranoid?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I am sorry. I think your instincts are probably telling you what you have been suspecting but your heart cannot bear. I think the toothbrush not being there is the biggest sign. You must be going through a lot of pain. It stinks and hurts like hell. Thank goodness you are here and have read what NOT to do, unlike me who did ALL of the wrong things again and again.
So please, don't make things worse. No pursuing. No ultimatums. No accusations. Read the DR book again. GAL. This pain will stay with you for a few months then will dull slightly over time. But you don't want to do anything now that you will regret later on in case you want reconciliation. Give yourself the option of a recon, OK?
My DB coach said that I can prove I am right all the time. And I can be right all I want if I want to be alone. The thing to do if you want to keep the marriage is to follow Michelle's advice and don't do anything rash and not to make your relationship any worse.
I regret the bad conversations I had with my H when I found out about the affair because my hurting heart was talking most of the time. I wanted to share my hurt with him. But you know what, they are in a fog. It won't make a difference.
Take care of yourself, get family support, take care of the kids and if you can afford it, talk to a DB Coach, they give great advice. Good luck.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
It's like I cannot concentrate on anything all of a sudden. Please could you, from a womans point of view tell me what I should do. I cannot afford a DB coach because I am out of work at the moment.
do I just carry on a s normal because we are currently trying to finalise the money split etc, and now I want to be harder with her because of what I think is happening. If I play no more mr nice guy it might push her to the point of no return, though Puppy said before a woman wants respect before she can love. I do not ewant to look like a doormat, and yet I feel bitter towards her because of what she has done to me and my two children.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
First of all, yes, a woman usually loves a guy she can respect. Those two things are very closely linked together. They want to be able to depend on a man and respect him. She certainly doesn't want a pushover, someone who is like a willow and blow whichever direction the wind is blowing.
So in her presence, you need to be firm, confident, know what you want kind of man.
Having said that, it sounds like she knows exactly how you feel about her having an affair as you said you flipped your lid a few weeks ago and accused her of seeing someone. Well, I am sorry that your worse fear has come true. But she chose to ignore your feelings and went ahead with it.
I know Puppy's philosophy regarding exposing affairs. I think it works on some people and not on others. Here's why. Some people will cower in the face of their opponent playing hardball. Some people will fight back and retaliate.
I think you need to ask yourself which type of person she is. My H is definitely someone who will fight back and retaliate if I fight too hard, so I need to fight 'softly' and try to influence him instead. I read on other posts here that there are spouses out there who will cower in light of exposed affairs and they fear losing face/reputation and what others might say so being agressive with those sort of people works.
So which type of person is she? What has been your experience with her? If you confront her, does she just goes ahead and do exactly the opposite of what you ask her not to do? Or does she bend to your will? You probably know the answer. So don't do what doesn't work, OK?
You told me you flipped out a few weeks ago and now she is staying over at someone else's house. You do the math. What works, what doesn't work. If she doesn't respect you when you blow up then don't blow up anymore. You can be firm without blowing up. But be very careful what you say. Don't give ultimatums that you can't follow up on. It shows weakness and as I mentioned before women don't respect that. So think it thru before you open your mouth. Got it?
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I noticed that your toothbrush was gone etc etc. Then keep quiet. What you have stated is an observation, not an accusation. See what she comes back with. If she is honest and tells you that she stayed out with a 'friend' then just tell her your feelings, like 'I feel disappointed and hurt that this is your decision.'
You would have told her your feelings but not come off as a angry manic. You would have stood up for yourself and your stand in this situation. You cannot MAKE her be faithful to you, all you can do is choose to tell her how you feel in an honorable, respectful way and show her that you are not the angry maniac that she thought you were.
Not being angry is equal to being Mr Nice Guy. It's just that you don't resort to anger for expressing your feelings, that's all. (I just learned this lesson myself). You can still stand up for yourself if you speak up and not use anger in emotional situations.
I know your feeling extremely bitter. You deserve to feel this way. Let me ask you. Do you still want to save this M? Because what you do from here on now will be in light of your biggest goal. Feelings of bitterness can be fixed later on, it can with hard work. But if you damage your M any further then you won't get a chance to fix anything.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
My wife is the sort that will do whatever she wants to do and did not cower or waver whenever I confronted her. In fact, she seemed to have a bone fide reason for things I thought were proof about an affair. The other day for instance, when I was not comfortable with my daughter having a mobile phone at 11 years of age. I thought it was something we needed to discuss face to face, unfortunately for me she went and bought her one anyway. She said the reasons were because of her 'growing up' stage and she may not want to talk to me. As much as I think the reasons were not entirely truthful, I was advised to validate the reason and thank her for doing what she thought was the right thing. This goes against the grain for me because I would have wanted to tell my wife she was wrong and should be consulted more, does this prove she does not respect me? The validation is a 180 for me, but the fact I said one thing then validated her the next for purchasing the phone looks indesivive. I am confused.
I am the one living in my friends house while my wife lives in the family home with me picking up all the bills. This for me is another bone of contention as I have been given advice that she should pay the bills and I am being treated like a doormat while she goes on her flights of fantasy with me picking up the tab. I have decided on a financial settlement twice only for me then in hindsight to say it isn't enough, I am on the verge of doing this again because of the money and also what I know now is going on. This has made me angry, whereas I have been pussy-footing around trying to be mr nice guy and not trying to upset her. Time and time again Puppy Dog Tails and other posters have continually said forget about her and do what is right for you and the children. I find this so hard, and as you can see I am totally confused, hurt and needing some clear advice on what I should do regarding regaining respect (if possible), getting the right financial package without dithering again - or do I accept what I have just agreed to, and the right way to get back into my wife's heart if possible?
I just this second returned a call I received from my wife 30 minutes ago which I ignored so that I do not answer her calls whenever she rings and does not seem needy. It was about the children, though she went on to ask me why I came home to get my suit and I told her, she then wanted to find out about what I was doing tomorrow. This is the first time she has asked anything regarding my whereabouts for some time, but again if she is now happier with her new 'lifestyle' she may think she can asks these things without feeling guilty or something. I desperately wanted to tell her she had no fed the fish (another reason I knew she had not slept there last night), and wanted to ask her where, who, she had been. I didn't but it was hard, I am certainly not reading anything into this tiny conversation. I stayed upbeat told her the children had a lovely weekend, and then ended the conversation.
Last edited by markhaving probs; 04/19/0902:41 PM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
If I approach her with this strategy I know she will immediately go on the defensive. I would also state the other observations and then ask her what do you have to say about these observations? I am trying to go dim, negate all negativity with my wife so that we can at least communicate without conflict. By me comfronting her it will drive the walls up again and I am back to square one.
On one of Michelle's successful posters the H knew of an affair but chose to accept it, be as much a friend as he could be and hope the affair would die out and he could the move onto the second phase of reconcilliation. I desperately want to reconcile but all the time my wife does not admit to a possible affair makes me feel like rubbish.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
