I just love reading your thread or your posts to me. I can be down or in a funk and read and you pick my whole mood up! Think I'm just sort of blah today over being unhappy with myself over yesterday.
I bet you don't end up in bed too early tonight either. I wish I didn't feel so tired all the time now. Don't know if it is all the work around the house just catching up with me or added stress or the medication. But I don't like it.
I CAN'T imagine 135 on a motorcycle! Geeze never a dull moment is there?
You know maybe CJ was tired and it was probably not the best time to hash it out with emotions a bit up anyway. I wish I were better at letting things go instead of trying to resolve it right now!
Looks like it worked for you letting it go, since he did breakfast and helped with your stains!
I have ABSOLUTE TOTAL CONFIDENCE in you that it will be fine tomorrow.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Just about to sign off, actually Pam! Maybe catch some T.V. and turn in early (like before 1:00 )
Problem is, I work from home tomorrow (thank GOD) and unless I excert amazing will-power, I'll probably sleep in tomorrow and start the whole problem over again.
Well that was a crappy start to the day. Last night CJ was asked by D to go play golf today. He asked me, and I said, sincerely, “go for it”.
He got ready while I was still in bed, but awake. I asked him if he was taking our car or getting a lift. He said “our car, why did you need it?” I said “No, just if you’re going to be gone over dinner time, we have no groceries”. He said “No!, I need to get back here for 3 to do my school work”.
Well FORGIVE me if that just sounded odd. The ONE day he takes this summer, on his own, to do SOMETHING other than school work and he needs to get back by 3? (they were meeting at noon). I always thought golf was a day long event.
So he rephrased it…"I WANT to get back by three". Then he said “I don’t want to have this conversation while you are asleep” What? I was wide awake and told him so. I’d been awake since he started getting ready, calling D etc. But in fairness, he didn’t know that.
So he gets on me again about resenting his school work. He accuses me of “raining on his parade”. I try to explain that I thought this was to be a day off for him, he says it’s just a break in a day of things he LIKES to do (the schoolwork, which he's already worked on this morning).
I bring up again the # of hours per week he’s on there…in the context of if he’s on there for 12 hours a day, other things slide! Like the grocery situation. I was hoping to do that after class but I was too exhausted to stay upright.
I AM a little scared about this school year for me, in that it is a much heavier load than I am used to and wouldn’t you know it? My low fever is still around and then last night the kidney pain started. So I don’t even know if I’ll be able to teach, whether I’ll need another surgery blah blah blah.
He accuses me of not supporting this educational endeavour, yet I ask about his assignments, listen to him bounce ideas off of me, offer ideas back. It is the TIME that gets to me. The other night when he made calzones, he “worked” until 7:00 (after asking at 5 if a 7:30 dinner time was good…yes!) pushing dinner back to nearly 10…at which point I was too ill to enjoy it.
Yesterday when I got home, I just crashed on the couch and listened to Dr. Phil and then Oprah. Couldn’t even move. I told him when I got in at 3:00 that I hadn’t had time for lunch and would grab a burger soon. He said, “yeah, maybe me too, later. I just have XYZ to finish up”. I know now that this does NOT mean he will be off the computer any time soon.
So he worked on. At 4 he offered to go get the burgers at 5. Okay, think I can hold on that long. 5:05 he says…just a little more work…Well, I’d gone from 8:00 to then without food and I KNOW what that does to me. I felt like this: why can’t he keep these promises? His “work” is there, on line, 24 hours a day. The only time limits are when assignments are due (not the case then).
So I said “Please go now, or I’ll go get it, you’re going to be back working all night anyway” (not the best phrasing, I KNOW!) What I meant by this is “what’s the difference if you take a half hour off now, or in 20 minutes?
He got defensive…”you’re assuming I’ll be working all night?”
Yet after we ate our burgers, I came here to work on my school stuff…and he was back on line for most of the night.
So this morning, I could have done a better job of validating the other stuff he DOES do around here…but honestly at the time, those things just seemed like stuff he SHOULD be doing…mowing the lawn? Picking up sausages for the BBQ on Sat? Cleaning the bathroom (okay that one I really appreciate!).
I guess I was projecting into this rather overwhelming future I glimpsed yesterday through my exhaustion…one in which I crawl home from work, exhausted and ill, unable to do my usual “running around” for house supplies and groceries. To find CJ happily working away while we live in filth and eat cheap take-out.
Can you say “backslide”?????
Shiny
P.S. Another thought just hit me...when CJ got the offer of golf today, I secretly rejoiced in the thought of having the house to myself for an entire afternoon or more.
It has been AGES...I saw myself listening to music while I ate lunch, doing some puttering, making some phone calls, doing a long overdue workout (kidney willing).
So I suppose hearing him say he needed to be back by three was a bit of a double whammy.
first off, girlfriend, I'm sorry that you're not feeling well. Seems like that must have a tremendous impact on EVERYTHING!
Can I turn on my "mother mode" for a second? (This would be exactly the kind of thing that my h would HATE)....I'm concerned that your sleep patterns and your eating patterns (or shall I say...your non-eating patterns for a long period of time) may be making your tiredness/health even worse. Of course you know what's best for you...just seems that you keep a fairly erratic schedule of eating and sleeping. Maybe regulating that somewhat would at least help with the exhaustion?
Allrighty...since you and CJ have entered a NEW phase where you are both MUCH busier than before...is it time for a logical "this is what you'll do, this is what I'll do, and this is what we'll let slide" discussion? Maybe that could circumvent some of the BRAIN ADD-ONs I saw in your post ... your "SHOULDs" when talking about CJ doing stuff around the house and his "you're not supporting me" when you raised an issue. Why not get the practical stuff off the table if that kind of approach would work for you?
Also, how about putting some time limits around how long you are willing to wait for things...like, if he says he'll cook dinner at 7:30 and 8pm rolls around, let him know unjudgementally that you're going to put another plan in place?
It may be that you guys won't be able to keep up your schedules and do all the same stuff you used to...why not figure out what you're ok with?
Let's see...other stuff...sounds like a lack of "shiny alone" time may also be clouding some of the issues...what can you do to get more of that?
Sending you health thoughts and a well-cooked, on time meal.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Think I'm just sort of blah today over being unhappy with myself over yesterday.
)
I was wide awake and told him so. I’d been awake since he started getting ready, calling D etc. But in fairness, he didn’t know that. 