Folks, another idea kept floating around in my mind as I lay in bed, unsleeping until the early hours of the morning.
I have a life philosophy that may sound whacked to other people, but here goes.
I believe in an afterlife. I don't know what it looks like, but I believe that there IS a life review. I believe that WE stand in judgement on ourselves.
I believe that we go through our past experiences, good and bad and relive them from the POV's of the people we've helped AND the people we've hurt.
Could there be a worse hell for someone like Hitler than to live through the agony, grief and horror he inflicted on millions of people?
I THINK that part of our life journey is to acknowledge and atone for our part in hurting others, and that if we don't do it here, we'll just have to do it on the other side.
Thus PART of my wanting CJ to "get it" about these incidents is to help him work through it NOW vs Later. Same for me and the miriad of ways I've hurt him. I'd rather atone and make up for it NOW!
Probably not making much sense, but what the heck!
Quote: I’ve been pondering the issue of forgiveness. I know that it is not an “all at once” experience for me. Something Dr. Phil says over and over on his shows about Infidelity, and that is that it is very hard to forgive and move on until the hurt partner KNOWS that their spouse GETS what they put you through.
I, many times, feel like my W doesn't "really" get it...although she's expressed remorse over what she's done. You know, as yucky (or not) as this may sound, I think when our Ses are finally in a place where they care for us like they used to, they will, at some moment, ponder what it would be like to have US do the same to them. I think, in this moment, they will understand. Until then...well, it's for us to be patient I think.
Also, I do KNOW for a fact that my W won't bring up her regretfulness because she doesn't want to put me through the muck once again...and she doesn't like to revisit the past, as it makes her realize her own failability. Avoidance or self-preservation?
Anyway, my .02. And I'm sure he regrets what he did, Shiny...I'm sure he does...
Quote: When he mentioned the moving thing the other day I got NO sense that there was any reference to last year. It's as though that never happened.
is there any way we (well you) could look at this as he's moved beyond thinking of fleeing and is happy with me (you) here (there) and therefore didn't give any thought to the comment. That he is looking toward the future and not dweling in the past.
Quote: is there any way we (well you) could look at this as he's moved beyond thinking of fleeing and is happy with me (you) here (there) and therefore didn't give any thought to the comment. That he is looking toward the future and not dweling in the past.
LL
Absolutely, LL. That's the sense I got from our conversation and YES that was a very good feeling indeed!
Jethro, you make a good point.
I wonder myself if these urges to bring up the hurts and be validated are "payback" of some kind.
I KNOW CJ is remorseful, I know the kind of person he is and it cannot be otherwise.
I'm just still baffled by the person he WAS, the person who did so many outrageous and hurtful things...
Who WAS that guy? Could he return?
But then is it not equally valid for CJ to remember my past behaviours and wonder if SHE might not return?
I had all manner of odd thoughts today. I thought: what if he's still in touch with her? and I played out in my mind how he would be OUT OF HERE in a flash.
Not after how far we've come, the added betrayal would be too much.
Then I thought of asking how HE would feel now if I were to announce that instead of being on the bb, I'd been conducting an EA and was sure my "soul mate" lived across country...I'm outta here...bye bye!
What is this? Revenge? I think in part my general health of late has fed into these feelings. Going for more tests on my kidney revisits the vulnerability I felt all of last year when our M was very much in question.
So I think it wise if I sit with these feelings, pray and meditate and see what is really underneath it all.
Quote: Then I thought of asking how HE would feel now if I were to announce that instead of being on the bb, I'd been conducting an EA and was sure my "soul mate" lived across country...I'm outta here...bye bye!
Even though my H isn't back yet I sometimes fantasize about him coming back and me saying "get out" I never wanted you back I justed wanted to get even. Or when he comes back have my own PA and do what he did to me so he knows what kind of hell he put me through. I did tell him that I had thought about it because a guy I worked with was always very friendly, this was over a year ago, my life wasn't so great either. In a way I think I was going through my own MLC up until the bomb, but was starting to come out of it at the same time he left.
Well the day started out nicely...if you know what I mean!
Now just what spurred this, I don't really know. Other than I've been feeling poorly of late and CJ has been rather solicitous and concerned.
Got my hair trimmed by SIL (long face-framing layers, back still growing!) and now we're off to a BBQ at B & J's. The weather is fooling us into thinking it's still summer, low 80's today with a nice breeze.
Hell NO, Pam....we got home at around 3 this morning...I was wide awake, checked my e-mail, printed some stuff out, didn't get to sleep till, oh, 5 or so.
Slept till nearly 2, so I think I'm in for a bit of trouble tonight and tomorrow morning. Good thing I'm not a typical zoned out zombie type night owl, when I HAVE to get up early, I can do so with few cobwebs.
Bet I'll be zonked by tomorrow evening though!
The BBQ was fun. Pal D (as in D&H) took me for a "ride" on his motorcycle. WOW! What a RUSH! We topped 135 mph on a small strip of highway on the edge of town. Had H not strapped my helmet on really tight, the sucker would have flown right off my head!
Everyone had a good chuckle at my expense as not only was my hair soaked in sweat and tangled beyond belief, but I had sweat marks around my waist and....in the crotch area!
Honestly, I had to hang on so tight, and brace for the breaking, that my arms feel like I did a workout yesterday!
At around 12 we brought D & H to my sis and bil's for the end of their Hawaiian party. Nice time all around....except for the very end.
It was getting chilly out, which is why I brought my leather jacket out of the car when we got there. CJ was still in a T-shirt. Rather suddenly (it seems) he said "either we're leaving or I'm getting my jacket".
Well it took some time to get D and H going and CJ seemed a bit put out. (note "seemed"). He left and waited for me in the car (I was driving).
I asked him what was wrong...he said he was just cold. But of course I had to push it and ask him again as he was very quiet on the ride.
He got rather defensive and then said that he wasn't talking because "I" don't like conversation while I'm driving. I said "since when?". He said "since you blamed me for rear-ending that car".
(This was an inicident about 3 years ago when indeed we were bickering after picking him up from work and I miscalculated and tapped the bumper of a car in front of us...at the time I DID say that it was due to the distraction of our conversation).
This just kind of set the rest of the evening OFF and we didn't really speak much after that. He went to sleep soon after we got home.
But he made breakfast this morning (um, afternoon ) and helped me try to get the mustard stains out of my best white top .
Little bit anxious about facing 600 new students tomorrow, but as always, I'm sure it will go fine.
