Stillloveshim......wow, they sound like the entire bunch is loony tunes! I know for me, it would be very hard to hit the delete key without reading what it had to say, but honey, if you will take this old woman's advise......you will be healing yourself if you can do that b/c they are screwing with your mind....absolutely! But, seriously, from what you say about her BF, it sounds like some crazy people you don't need to even acknowledge exists.
I understand it is hard, and I have learned from talking and reading LBS's threads how obsessed they become with the OP, but it is the most unhealthy thing you can do to yourself. Nobody is important in this R but you and your H. For a while, only YOU have to be important.....if you know what I mean. I need to catch up on your thread b/c I really don't know if the two of you are back together or not. But, I was seeing other posts from you and I could see this OW was eating you up alive.
Hope you are much stronger by now and things are showing some improvement.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
LonelyRzr, good for you about contacting a DB coach.
I want to say that you are being a big person to admit your faults in the M. My H never admitted to anything he did wrong, and in fact, had the nerve to say he hadn't done anything wrong! He may have been referring to me having an EA and he had never done anything like that, but that is not what he said! That was a hard mountain for me to climb in trying to get to the point of being willing to "be willing". Every time I looked at him, I saw a self-righteous man who thought he was so "good" and I was the "sinner". It would make me so angry and turned off toward him. I said some very hard and cruel things to him. He never tried to get help and he would not even consider going to MC with me. So, you might say that I had to get where I am by reaching out for help on my own. That is why I was here so much on this board. It was my therapy. It taught me a lot. It saved my M.
Anyway, you have made the right decision to contact a DB coach. I do respect the fact that you can admit where you failed b/c I think in most M's, it is some failure on both sides. Nobody is perfect. I do know some cases where it appeared that one person was about perfect and the other one strayed, so there may be exceptions.......but in most cases I think there is fault on both sides.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just got back "home" from weekend with S while W and D were off at dance competition. Went to D bball game tonight when they got back and then all went to eat after game. W was distant but so was I. It was a nice dinner, nothing bad happened which was good. I met them back at the house and got the kids in the shower and then when W got back from store I ended up going back to my place. As I was leaving, she told me thank you for coming to eat with us and I said that I had a fun time.
While I was at the house this weekend SIL came over and started asking me how things were going. I told her they were fine and just the same as always and didn't go into anything with her as I didn't want to talk about this with her. She told me that her parents and her both think I should move on and leave her. I was like WTH, not sure where that came from, but she said that it would serve her right if I did. I was trying to improve myself in all areas and they all could see that and she was dumb not to notice and come back. Again, I didn't get into anything with her but I couldn't believe she told me to leave her sister. I did say that I wasn't going to do that and I was going to continue to do everything in my power to improve my life and if that makes her come back then that was great and if not, then I still have improved my life. She was happy for me and said she could definitely see differences in me. That made me feel good!
Anyway, nothing new on the M front. Still hanging in there. We will see what this week brings.
Some family support is good.....when it is of love and being there for you. However, there are some that are always ready to offer their advice and as you saw, this SIL's advice was one of revenge or spite. However, it is not her life.....it is yours, so I would not listen to negative talk like that and tell them up front that you don't need to hear that, but just need understanding from the family. The fact that your in-laws would not want to cast you out from them is a sign they like you and probably do support you, but may not know how to show it properly.
Continue to take good care of yourself. It is important to do that.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey Sandi You are right and I have taken steps to get rid of these people, get them out of my life. I have changed my email and I have blocked my cell phone from those people from being able to contact me. It has been too much and it has made me crazy. I told H a few days ago "I am 33 years old. I have a child, the most important thing to me. I have a degree, I have a career and solid reputation in this town. Treat me like it. I'm number one or I'm nothing in you life." He said nothing but told me "Ok. I understand." Who knows? But you are 100% right. NO more OW or her crazy entourage.
It sounds to me like the family supports you and are pissed at her. Good for you. Not that it's a competition to win people over, but it's better they seem to support you as opposed to telling her "Leave him!!" Hopefully if SIL is saying that to you, she's telling her sister "You're crazy to even think about leaving this guy." You have been doing very well. And it was awesome she thanked you for coming to dinner and your response was perfect. I need to learn to be like you and 2BA, I need to learn to shut up and walk away from the fights. So proud of you!!
Stillloveshim.......good for you!!! I promise if you will stand up for yourself and make him work to have you, he will appreciate you much more than if you are clingy and needy. Of course, he wants respect from you as well, but I don't really think that was the problem here. As long as you value your own worth, then he will too......but if he doesn't......then, he doesn't deserve to have you. As a woman, I can understand how we can get so obsessed thinking about another female, but I think you are realizing how you were ruining your own chances with your H as well as ruining your entire life by doing that. It may have been a little tough that first time, but now that you've made your move.....stick with it and make him respect you. People treat you the way you teach them to treat you. You do have a lot to be proud of. You have accomplished a lot and should feel great about yourself and deserve every ounce of his respect.
Know what really.....really ticks me off at married people? When they treat strangers with more respect than their own spouse! So.....you go girl.....and keep on going. Did great!
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Had a bad day all around. Didn't fight with W or backslide or anything like that. Just felt terrible and depressed all day. Couldn't get problems out of my head. Miss my W terribly and to top it off, went to D's bball game tonight and W looked so good. I miss her so much and there is nothing I can do. I will chalk this up to just one of those days and hopefully tomorrow will be better. I did go out to a watch party tonight with some friends at work and it was alot of fun and then before I left the OM showed up. I just can't get away without something reminding me of everything.
I just need to go to bed and maybe get some sleep tonight. Does anyone know if you can get addicted to ambien? I can't seem to sleep more than 3-4 hours without it. I tend to take one about 3-4 nights in a row and then try to go a 2-3 without it. This really sucks!
Had a bad day all around. Didn't fight with W or backslide or anything like that. Just felt terrible and depressed all day. Couldn't get problems out of my head. Miss my W terribly and to top it off, went to D's bball game tonight and W looked so good. I miss her so much and there is nothing I can do. I will chalk this up to just one of those days and hopefully tomorrow will be better. I did go out to a watch party tonight with some friends at work and it was alot of fun and then before I left the OM showed up. I just can't get away without something reminding me of everything.
I just need to go to bed and maybe get some sleep tonight. Does anyone know if you can get addicted to ambien? I can't seem to sleep more than 3-4 hours without it. I tend to take one about 3-4 nights in a row and then try to go a 2-3 without it. This really sucks!
I've been in those moods. Just find something to keep you occupied, working out, new hobby, cleaning. Those are three good things. Taking your kids to do something like a zoo, aquarium, museum, etc. Lots of things you can do in order to have a good time.
I know spending time with my kids on the weekends helps dull the pain. Sunday was a bad day for me, but things have been fine this week.
Keeping up with your situation even when I'm not replying. Good luck man.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Hey LonelyRzr I hope today has been better. Yes, those days spent in your own head can be devestating. And it's crazy that in your own head you aren't completely safe.
Here's my advice: When you see that idiot, you act as you should, which is better than him. I know it's crappy to be judgemental but you are better than him. When he is in the room with you, just know, he's more afraid of you than you will ever understand. If you were to confront--which you should NOT do--he has nothing to stand on. So, forget him. He's nothing.
I've come to realize my H's EA wasn't so much that he really wanted that person as much as it was something different. She stroked his ego and he made her feel good about herself too. H and I were arguing. A lot. And sometimes, it was incredibly ugly. So ugly sometimes, I was embarrassed as it was going on. But too late to change that now. It is what it is. And for me, it's in the past.
Your W doesn't want this guy either. For some reason, she just needs her ego stroked. She needs someone to talk to because she can't talk to you right now. But she will get back on track IF you can stay the course. Sooner or later she is going to realize this kid is just a kid and really has nothing to offer her.
Look at it this way: When you need spiritual guidance, you go to church. When you need help with your golf swing, you go to a golf pro. When you need help with the stress in life, you go to a counselor. When you need help with picking out a the perfect gift for your beautiful wife, you go to her friends. You get it, etc.....For some reason she is using him as a sounding board. Just let it play out, stop asking her about it. You've let her know you don't like that relationship and why. And keep in mind, I think you are 100% right in asking that to end. But if you leave it alone, it will implode on its own.
You are doing great. You have so much support and you are wonderful wonderful wonderful!!
