Starting to get "It" #2

[LR1]

Sandi,

Thanks for the 2x4, I did need that. I do want to clarify one thing though, I didn't say "just" and EA. I was said at "best" an EA and I meant that it wasn't a PA and she still claims adamantly that it was just a close friendship that went a little too far? I do realize how lucky I am to have her say those things. I guess right now that I feel like she is saying more that she wants to do all she can to make sure relationship is ok after marriage instead of actually working on marriage. Maybe I reading more into it again

I am about to head to MC with W in a few minutes so i will update after the meeting.

[LR1]

Sandi,

Another thing that I want to clear up as it wasn't clear after I just reread it. The "I want more" statement was referring to her statement on improving the R no matter what the capacity. I took that as a negative (wrong I know) in that she was resigning herself to just being friends and not married. "I want more" was in regards to that in that I want our M to improve not just the R and being friends.

Update from MC:
It was a tough day. We got right into the meat of things and W brought out the I want to want to try but I just don't have it right now. Also said the deal again about making the R stronger no matter in what capacity. I told the MC that I have begun to lose hope and that I know it is probably me just grasping to the negative in her comments, but they were discouraging for me. MC understood and W validated my comments. She did say that things may be too far gone to repair. MC said that she didn't believe that and that she saw real hope in out sitch. She told us that we made vows and commitments to each other and that we need to at least give all we have and more to make things work. We haven't lost anything if we do that, but if we don't then we will never know if it could work.

Those are the words I have been saying for over about 5 months now and maybe W heard and understood them coming from C instead of me. I think she did based on her reaction. Later in session, W said that what if I make the changes and become H of the year and it still isn't enough for her. C said that it is a risk, but it is a risk worth taking.

We worked on through some things about OM and my faults in our M. I think that was productive and all in all, I believe the session was very productive today. I went in there with little hope and came out with some. I think W is going to start trying to work on M. Maybe I am crazy, but I do think she wants to come back to me deep down, but she is scared that I will still be a jerk and I haven't given her reasons to believe otherwise.

I have fallen off the DB horse and I will hop back on. I am calling today to get a coach to help me. I had taken about a 2 week break from everything. I will start today getting back to GAL, 180, ect. Thanks again for your and everyone else's continued support.

[25yearsmlc]

thank GOD Sandi2 is here to tell you everything she just said....seriously....

nothing to add except if you have to get meds, so you can stop the looping around in your head and blurting out your neediness...then get them. Don't blow this.

Get help, get the DB coaching, asap...what's money for if not this?

(( j ))

[stillloveshim]

Hey there!
I've been out of the loop lately. Sorry about that.
You are doing great in that you realize what you have to do and are admitting, you aren't doing it.
I back slide ALL the time. I hate it. I even know I'm back sliding as I open my mouth and talk about whatever.
99% of my back slides are related to ex-OW from his EA. Last nigth he told me if I bring it up he's leaving, throwing me out of the house or hanging up on me. Even my girlfriend told me to SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!
It's hard though. You are just SO MAD about that stupid other person!!! What the heck does that stupid other person have that we don't???? What did our spouses get out of that relationship with OP?
I understand the questions running around in your head....would they have really left us for that OP?????
But we both have to let it go. We both have to move forward and be our happy selves.
You are doing great LR, just hang in there.
I think she does want to come back to you but wants to see the new you first and wants to know for sure the new you will be the permanent regular you.
Understandable.
I hope my H is doing the same thing.

[25yearsmlc]

Think of the power you give to OP when you refuse to let go of them...

Forgiveness is the way out of hell (Marianne Williamson) and your hell is self imposed...that means LETTING GO....and not pickin it up again. Turn it over to GOD and don't take it back!

Let the worthless OPs go, drop them. Give them no more of your life's energy and btw, you'll look so much healthier to your spouses. One WAH friend of ours told ME that he wanted to go back to his w & make it work, but knew "she'd put me through hell and won't ever let me forget it" and given the pain and anger his w feels (and she is my friend) I think he is right....SORRY but HE IS RIGHT. The lbs-er won't let it go and has sentenced them both to hell, (or he can move on in his life and start over.)

He really was remorseful, repentant and I believed him when he said his A was over. I really believe they could have made it. But my friend (his w) could not let it go. 6 months of this and he's out the door for good this weekend unless she shuts the hell up. Any suggestions?

Anything you can learn from this? Hope so.

(( j ))

[sandi2]

This is for Stillloveshimso.........honey you are so obsessed with the OW until you talk about it in your posts to other people. What I mean is that you started out to try to tell this man on his thread to hang in there, but that is as far as you got b/c it was all about you and the OW and how you can't stop talking about her. That is obvious. You don't stop talking about her! But, you have a choice here and you better make it quickly......you CAN stop talking about the OW and remove her from your mind and your life or lose your H for good b/c you are running him away as fast as your mouth will talk. Now, that is as plain as I know how to make it. You keep saying it's hard (and it is) and you keep saying you can't stop talking about her......but you CAN. You can do whatever you chose to do, but it is how badly you want to get rid of this OW once and for all. Do you know how to do that? No, I'm not talking about hiring a hit man! I mean to act as if she does not exist. You.......YOU, are the one that is keeping her alive in your H's mind (and in your mind as well). Why allow her to live in your mind and in his? You are doing much more FOR HER than she ever could. Is that the route you want to take? Why not just hand your H over to her on a silver platter?

"Every woman has the M she wants to have". I can't remember who said that, but I remember I did not like it when I read it! (lol) But, I do think we women have a lot of "power" but we must be wise in how we use it. We can make it work for us or we can use it to distory what we really want. I can tell you that the more you b*tch about this OW, the more you are losing your H, so it is up to you. You can become what you need to be and woo him back, or you can become a nag that he can't stand........and right now, that is exactly what you are being.

Sandi

[sandi2]

LonelyRzr, thanks for clearing some things up.

I do want to say something about her trying to reach that place where she wants to work on the M. (May not be her exact wording.) You see, I know what she means by that b/c I actually told my H that I had to reach the point where I was willing "to be willing". Does that make sense? She is trying to do this out of her "will" and not necessarily by "feelings" and I know that stings you, but it is what it is. She realizes that she just does not feel willing, but that she needs to do work toward a M with you. She has a long way to go and she needs to see a lot of changes in you. She just can't find a lot of hope right now b/c her feeling are pretty low where the M is concerned. You want more b/c you want the sex and the whole thing right away. Most men do b/c it is normal for them, however, she is trying to see if the two of you can make a go of being friends, first, and if you can't even be friends, then she is thinking that you can forget being lovers (IMHO). It goes against the grain for a man b/c he doesn't want to wait. His "needs" causes him to be very impatient. I had been M a long time when I had an EA. I did not want to stay in my M, and it took a very long time for me to really get to the point of wanting to be with my H. It was baby steps like you wouldn't believe. Don't ask me how long it took b/c it was so slow, I don't even know. And, I wasn't looking at the calendar.

So, are you willing to go the distance if it means waiting and working to become close again, b/c it is not going to happen in just a few weeks and maybe even months. This is not to discourage you, but to be frank and honest so you will have an idea of what you are facing. I do hope you will talk to a DB coach.


Take care,
Sandi

[working on me]

Hi, I don't really have any sound advice for you, I'm sorry.

The thing is you are one lucky guy she is even considering coming back, take that opportunity if you can.

Sandi2, I would love it if you could check out my sitch. You seem to be a real straight shooter. I really need that right now in my life. You have a great deal of insight and I am not getting enough of the female perspective right now. PLEASE HELP ME OUT!

[stillloveshim]

Hi Sandi--
Sorry to hijack here--but you are right. I am sick of her. I don't know if you read about this, but ex-OW and her crazy ex-BF have been screwing with me via text messages and emails. It's was crazy. Her ex sent me her CRIMINAL RECORD. Not sure why. I think he wanted me to give it to her boss, whom I'm close to, so she would be fired. I did not. I hit delete!!! Then someone sent me some emails H wrote to her. Very hard to read and I hope they were written during a time when things were very very bad for me and H, which would have been around Christmas. But there's no way to tell, no dates on the messages.
A girlfriend and I had a little funeral for her. Funny yet sad for me at the same time because this person even exists is hurtful and is still something I'm dealing with. One of the emails said something that made me wonder if they were saying "I love you" to each other.
Lots to think about in terms of my boundaries.
But yes, you are right. She needs to really go away as it relates to me--in my mind and life.
I know.

[LR1]

I do want to say something about her trying to reach that place where she wants to work on the M. (May not be her exact wording.) You see, I know what she means by that b/c I actually told my H that I had to reach the point where I was willing "to be willing". Does that make sense? She is trying to do this out of her "will" and not necessarily by "feelings" and I know that stings you, but it is what it is. She realizes that she just does not feel willing, but that she needs to do work toward a M with you. She has a long way to go and she needs to see a lot of changes in you. She just can't find a lot of hope right now b/c her feeling are pretty low where the M is concerned. You want more b/c you want the sex and the whole thing right away. Most men do b/c it is normal for them, however, she is trying to see if the two of you can make a go of being friends, first, and if you can't even be friends, then she is thinking that you can forget being lovers (IMHO). It goes against the grain for a man b/c he doesn't want to wait. His "needs" causes him to be very impatient. I had been M a long time when I had an EA. I did not want to stay in my M, and it took a very long time for me to really get to the point of wanting to be with my H. It was baby steps like you wouldn't believe. Don't ask me how long it took b/c it was so slow, I don't even know. And, I wasn't looking at the calendar.

So, are you willing to go the distance if it means waiting and working to become close again, b/c it is not going to happen in just a few weeks and maybe even months. This is not to discourage you, but to be frank and honest so you will have an idea of what you are facing. I do hope you will talk to a DB coach.

Sandi,

Thanks for the advice. It does sting a lot to know that our M has fallen so far that she has to muster the energy to work on our M, but I do get it. I understand "why" we are where we are. I own my faults and my actions that caused us to get here and I understand hers as well. We are both at fault. I want to get things back and I think she does but she is still fighting it. She is very confused. She gives good signals and bad signals. Today was bad. She wasn't hopeful at all. She told me that things probably won't work. I told her that is ok, I just hope she doesn't give up without trying. I told her this morning that we need to stop all R talk except in MC and that we just needed to work on being friends. I told her that I still considered her my best friend and that hasn't changed throughout all of this. She told me that she couldn't say the same for me. That stung too. She later texted me and said that we haven't been acting like best friends for a long time and that is why she said that. Still stings, but I understand and told her that I did. I said that I want to continue being nice to each other and try to work on things as friends and and see if we can build from there. But NO R TALK PERIOD, and that was mainly a message for me from me.

I am impatient, we all already know that. I do want things to get better and would rather it be sooner than later, but I also understand that IF anything is going to improve, it will be a long time. I am willing to wait and go the distance. I have been pretty needy lately and that has set us back. I was needing validation that she was going to try to work on things and when she couldn't or wouldn't give it, my feelings would get hurt and then we would go into a tailspin. That has been fixed today and we will move on from here. But I am willing to go through whatever hell is out there to make this marriage work and be better than ever before.

I am going to call and set something up today with the coach.