I agree your W took it way too far if she did indeed interfere in that way. That sickens me. I hope you find out she had nothing to do with it, and I hope that things take a better turn for your brother and his wife.
I am mad that your W will not let you pick your sons up early that day. Its ridiculous that battles that she chooses to fight with you.
Thanks, Cat, Tal, Lwb, everyone. I am thankful for all of you.
Last night proved to be very little sleep as well, but for not for tossing and turning like the previous night. I had a conversation with my youngest brother right after he talked to our other brother (K) and his wife (SIL), in a sort-of conference call, as he put it. Basically he told me that neither our brother (K) nor his wife wanted to talk to me -- they were too stressed out. They asked me via my little brother (B) to lay off until they were ready.
I can respect that.
But later last night, about 11:30, my SIL sent me an IM. And that began a long texted conversation via FB's IM function. We "talked" for nearly 3 1/2 hours via keyboard.
Basically SIL confirmed a lot of what I already knew but she filled in a lot of the details. To sum it up, they both are supposedly in mutual agreement that they are unhappy in their M. They went to C but my brother K, the typical middle child, always avoids confrontation and so he wouldn't really cooperate fully in the sessions. They have both suffered a lot of extreme stress due to family problems, jobs, raising three children, and parents (one near invalid). She feels he isn't pulling his weight, and working a full-time job is not enough excuse in her mind. She has suffered from continual bouts of depression for which he has been helpless to do anything about.
So she wants out, and he is letting her.
SIL says that she still loves K because he is a great father to their children, but she has no love left for him as a husband. How many times have we heard these words or words very similar to these?
There's more but I won't go into all of it -- mostly the stuff we all have seen before. I also know that they are suffering a Sex-starved M as well. Of course all the stress they have to endure is likely the prime cause for that.
The good news -- if one can call anything about this "good" -- is that they want to separate "amicably", with joint custody and good will between them. SIL also says she is NOT going to be anything like my STBXW, who blew off the rest of our family and took a hostile, ugly tone with everyone in my family. Furthermore, she fully intends to be there as a full member of our extended family, in all events and get-togethers, as she still loves me, our family, my brothers and her nephews (my S's) very much. She stressed she wants equal joint custody for both she and K.
As for D, she acted like that is notunlikely to happen in the future, but for now they will begin living separate households this summer, once the children get past this school year (they don't plan to tell the children -- or my mom -- until then.)
The part that bothers me -- and I refrained from making too many comments to SIL, just tried to let her have her say -- is that when STBXW and I first separated almost 2 years ago now, my SIL told me then that she and K had almost divorced back in 1995/1996, but that they had pulled themselves together and she and he were very happy she had made the effort to persist in their M.
But now she says that they made a mistake in staying together. That bothers me -- I don't like such inconsistencies. My, how fast things can change. Perhaps she was being overly positive about her own sitch back then as an effort to keep me thinking positively myself about my own situation. Then again, I wonder was it more for my sake or hers?
I feel better having talked to SIL, as I had been fearing the worst -- that one of them was having an A. And that might still be one of their ulterior motives, but I don't think so, because of the reasons SIL did give me instead. She said the primary problem between them right now is that K has gotten more and more agnostic in his beliefs while she has tried to get back to her faith. SIL has said it has always deeply disturbed her that K no longer goes to church and has gotten to the point he prefers that the children not go either.
I know this is a BIG problem for them, if so. I've tried to talk to him myself about this, but he is very stubborn and resistant -- not disrespectful, mind you, just contrary.
I told her I was really pouring on the prayers for them now. I am constantly thinking about them and continuing to ask the Lord to work wonders on their lives, for all their sakes.
Its just a shame that we get married, have children andd feel somewhere a long the line we lost something, and for it to turn out this way. There is so many people it effects, especially the kids.
I hope by some miracle things can work out, and if not thank the lord that they are amicable and able to deal with family things with respect for one another.
You are a very supportive man nc.. your wife is a fool.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Yes, Tal, STBXW is a fool, but a dangerous fool...
Our L's had another meeting yesterday. The news is that STBXW is not even waiting for the D day to get here before starting the effort to file a custody suit. STBXW has asked if I would accept their terms for scaling my custody back to just 11 weeks out of the 12 weeks per year of track-out times (S8 is in year-round school) -- except she'd still get half of the holidays anyway even though most of them in our track fall within the track-out periods anyway.
It's a poison pill they know I cannot accept.
On top of that I'd be liable for helping her with most of her daycare costs and responsible for ALL of the costs during track-out (when the costs double.)
I have to say no. And they know it -- that can only mean they're now gearing up for a court battle to take my S's away.
What does your L say about this NC? I would think this is very unlikely. I'm sad to hear about your SIL and brother. It sounds like they just have too much stress on their plates. Divorce adds more stress so don't really see how that will help them. I think in the long run they may see that, hopefully before it's too late!!! It sounds like they have workable problems esp. if there's no A and it sounds like mutual respect for each other. Karen
That's what I would like to know to Karen.. what does the L have to say?
I don't think they will take your son's away, I really don't. Just because you aren't agreeing with her conditions, they are your children too and Have a say what arraignment will be made. Shame on her for being such a witch.
I wouldn't expect you to swallow this one, I certainly wouldn't.
I can't imagine how hard this is for you, and im so sorry for that. Im sad for you and the boys.
((((((((nc)))))))))
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I speak with my L first thing tomorrow morning, a telephone conference call.
All she has said so far is that if STBX files a case the first thing the court will do will be to send us to mediation. However I found out last night (in a very interesting dinner meeting, see below) that there's a good chance that because of that totally worthless attempt at voluntary mediation last year, STBX's L might ask for a waiver of court-appointed mediation -- and thus go straight to litigation.
I'm not hopeful in that. And I'm a little perturbed by my own L that she hasn't mentioned that as a possibility herself, that I had to learn this from another party.
Meanwhile my retainer is long since blown (thanks to STBX pulling out at the last second from negotiations for a Separation and Custody Agreement) and writing $500 checks every time I turn around is getting old and very painful. The two hour meeting between our L's on Tuesday burned up the last $500 dollar payment before it even hit my L's books.
If this goes to trial, I am going to be eaten alive just by the legal costs. I've been told by others having gone through this that I can expect my case can cost upwards of $100,000 before all is said and done.
This is costing STBX as well.
The biggest loser in all of this is our S's. I am really worried for their future if both their parents end up so entirely in hock for legal costs. And if STBX get's her way she'll be able to leech part of her expenses off my back. Either way, if this goes to court, my S's will not have anything put into reserve for them for higher education, even if a judge should order me to -- you can't get blood from a stone.
This is all because of a legal system that has my STBXW convinced she is going to automatically prevail in court -- so under those circumstances why should she have to compromise? Right?
I have a friend of mine who is fairly politically active. He and another guy recently founded a political advocacy group for Shared Parenting. I joined their growing group right after its launch but have not been able to attend any of the major functions due to work and child priorities. Last night I met a few of them at a local restaurant to help celebrate their success at getting the state legislature to begin funding special committees to review court custody guidelines in light of the Shared Parenting initiatives growing in other states (whew! run-on sentence, I know!). It is but a start for a very long legislative process, one that will hopefully lead to reforms in custody guidelines and legislation in support of fair and balanced parenting arrangements.
It is in talking with some of these other fathers and mothers (yes, mothers, as second wives get very caught up in this matter, I can tell you) that I heard a lot of horror stories, many of them personal tales. I am a bit in admiration of some of them since they recognize that what they are doing today will not likely bear any fruit in time to help their own situations -- but they do hope this will help future generations, and that is why they persist in this effort.
I feel like a bystander by comparison. I am so caught up right now in my own ordeal. I hope to glean a little insight from them to how all of this system is working or not. Perhaps I can pay it forward myself some day.
It's all over. We are done. The M has been officially ended.
(now) XW even fought with me this morning about the most petty cr*p, calling me right before my 9 AM conference call with my L. She had denied me from being able to pick up my S's early for today, since I took the day off -- told me I was not supposed to pick them up before 6 PM according to the draft of our unsigned separation agreement. So I relented in that, but this morning she came undone when she asked me again what my plans were for today and when I would pick up S4. I told her 6 PM.
Apparently S4 had heard that I was off and was expecting me to pick him up early today anyway, and (now) XW found herself back-peddling in front of him. So she tried to call me this very morning and make it sound like I was a horrible father for offering to spend a day with his sons but then reneged on it. I had none of it and when I reminded her of what she had said on Sunday, she got infuriated and demanded that I prove to her in writing that she said any such thing, namely her insistence that we adhere to the 6 PM timeline.
Apparently she's an absolute loon now, she blew up several times at me and even hung up before I could respond to her abusive rant. When she did call back I tried to explain to her that I had already made other arrangements for today, but that I would rearrange them entirely for S4's sake.
This was not a pretty conversation.
I realize I should never taken her call. Now we've had the big D I don't think I ever will again. She must have wanted so bad to stoke up her hatred for me -- so as to be able to carry out her day, given the major event taking place.
My L is thinking what I am already convinced is going to happen. That XW will now file for a temporary custody hearing. There are a number of things to consider, but I'm not holding out for much hope should this go to trial, which my L seems to think is now more likely.
I am trying not to hate her, folks. But it is becoming progressively harder to do.
I'm sorry NC. I'm thinking your W has kind of blamed you for everything and maybe anything going wrong in her life? Now after the D, I'm thinking she is going to realize at some point that was crazy. I can't imagine keeping up all that anger she has. It must be exhausting!!! And it hurts her more than anyone!!! Don't get me wrong, I don't feel sorry for her or anything, she's done this to herself, but honestly I think a year or 2 down the road you're going to be living a really happy, loving life and your W will not... (((((NC))))) Karen
