Seperated But Living Together

[AJM]

I think its very normal. The doubt. The inquisition. More doubt.

As long as you doubt, you leave him in control. He's not stable. That may not be a good idea.

I think his actions say things very different from what his words say. And it is possible his brother is saying things to him. But that doesn't mean anything. His brother may have been saying things for years. So?

This is your chance to be you. To be the you that you have wanted to be but were too glued up to be. Change you. Be the change you want to see. Be the woman you want to be. Your husband is handing you a golden oppty to change you. You never wanted to be a miserable shrew did you? So stop. Be the woman you've wanted to be.

What you describe is a dance of sorts. He changes. You change. He changes. You change (set to waltz music). Get in sync. You can't pursue him, but you can let him come to you. He likely will if you give him a chance. He's shown signs of it already. Inching towards you at a "maddening" sloth-like pace. That's positive momentum. Don't get in the way of that.

Let me ask you this: being scared. Does that seem unnatural to you now that your world has been rocked and your self-esteem laid to waste when the bomb went off? I doubt it. You're a survivor. An adapter. You'll adapt to this because it's your chance to change you. It's your wake up call. Your second chance at changing you to become the you that you want to be.

My suggestion is that you take it. He'll notice when he's ready. Not even a second before that. He'll make his own mind up by then. But you can't influence or change it other than negatively, so leave him to his own work.

Learn to dance in the rain. When he comes close, so do you. When he hugs you, hug back but with open arms. When he runs away (he's testing you when he does that i.e. "can I get a reaction?") you let him and move away as well. Dance.

Is it normal to have that fear? Yes. Emphatically yes. But that's part of his control. Part of his stress. You've put the relationship entirely in his hands and it stresses him out. Be a partner and take part of the load.

Make sense?

We're here to talk. I've been away for a few days, but always happy to talk. Feel free to ping as you get the time if it'll help. Be warned though: I can be chatty and I'm not always the person that tells you the bad news. I'm the one that believes in being honest but also in encouragement to stay the course and calm down. Let cooler heads prevail. Be the change you want to see.

AJ

[2gthrButApart]

Be a partner and take part of the load.

How the heck do I do this w/o pursuing, being pushy, or seeming needy?

[AJM]

In my opinion: create a "safe: environment and don't get riled up at the mood swings. Recognize that he's got frayed emotions and needs you to tread lightly. The calmer you are the better. Work on you. Be open and honest, but be calm.

Dance.

AJ

[2gthrButApart]

In my opinion: create a "safe: environment and don't get riled up at the mood swings. Recognize that he's got frayed emotions and needs you to tread lightly. The calmer you are the better. Work on you. Be open and honest, but be calm.

Ok, this is exactly what I've been doing since Jan. That's why when he had his last really big backlash I just said "ok" when the D was brought up again.

I've been extremely careful. I know he's very sensitive now. During the bomb, he said things to me that hurt b/c I realized Wow, I did say/do those things to him, and months later they're still hurting him. I felt like such an evil person. I don't want to hurt anyone I love in such a way.

Lately, for the past 3 months, I've been calm, acting happy, joking, flirting a little. My D8, gave me her Twilight book to read while I take the subway to and from work, (cute), and you know what, there's a lesson to be learned from the book. I want to get to know my H again. I remember those "moments" when we were dating where things were so new, and I was curious to get to know things about him, he was curious about me too. The curiosity is now gone. We Know too much about each other, there's no more mystery. I want to create that mystery again, I want to show that interest in him again. B/c after all when some men cheat it isn't b/c of how the new girl looks, it's about how she made him feel. I don't want that to happen, I want him to know exactly how interested I am in him, his opinions, his hobbies.

I want butterflies in my stomach again when he touches me. I want to "take in" each kiss, each touch, each smell. I want to totally renew my relationship with him. Even if we are not in reconciliation mode, I want to treat him like I did when nothing else mattered to me. When we first met we were teenagers, we had no responsibilities, nothing mattered, when I was with him i was with him, now as an adult I can tend to drift off, when we are together my mind can still wander, laundry, kids, chores, errands, bills, work, thinking of the next thing I want to say instead of truly listening. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to be with my H. I want to be spontaneous, have fun.

When we are together I want him to know and feel that nothing and no one else in the room, in the world matters to me. I will show him this from now on. I will not give up on my M or my H.

I will accomplish my goals and become the woman I want to be so that I can give my M the love and affection it deserves. When i feel good and confident to be in my skin, I will radiate all of that love to all those around me. I will prove to myself and my H that I will accomplish all that I said I would. I will make home a comfortable place for him to be. I will be the wife, the mother, the woman that anyone would love to have.

The girls will have Easter break 4/9-4/20. They will be going to spend it with my mom in another state, we will spend Easter wknd with them over there, then we will have a wk at home alone. I want to have fun with him, be lighthearted, cute, sexy, friendly, inviting, I want to make the week mean something. Not just 2 adults sharing the same space when we arrive from work. I want to be the person he misses because she's so cool to be around, so easy to talk to , so easy going. I will be that person.

[AJM]

You are truly an amazing woman. I wish you the best in that endeavor and, hey, if things don't work out I can think of a few men that would appreciate that attitude (seriously, you just need to let things happen then, right? Be the person you want to be, and he's bound to find you -he'd be crazy not to.)

I want to create that mystery again, I want to show that interest in him again. B/c after all when some men cheat it isn't b/c of how the new girl looks, it's about how she made him feel.

Ever wonder what the attraction of Hooters or strip clubs is? Note, I'm not one to frequent either, but I can tell you why my friends do: it's how they make them feel. No 60 year old, overweight dirty old man is really going to think a 20-something hot-chick wants to take him home. Really. They pay for the illusion.

True story - a friend of mine that likes the clubs wanted me to go with him in Las Vegas. I declined but dropped him and another friend off there. They were back early. When I asked why, he told me that it was because the stripper sat on his lap and reached into his shorts. He ended it right there. She ruined the illusion and crossed the line. I laughed, but I always remember that moment and the look on his face. He had no desire to take her home. He wanted to be entertained. It was exciting for him up until she crossed from fantasy to reality. Then it ended. I don't think he's been to a club since to be honest.

Go get 'em tigress. Be you. Be gentle.

AJ

[2gthrButApart]

Thanks AJ,

Funny story, my H went to a strip club for his friend's bachelor party and said he doesn't understand why guys like it so much said it's just not "his thing", and he won't be returning.

I'm trying to figure out how I can do all of the things from my above post, w/o being to agressive, and pursuing. Can I lay on his chest out of nowhere? I've been lightly rubbing his face or his arm, I began giving him a good night kiss on the forehead or on his arm once in a while, we've gone almost 6 months w/ no goodnight kisses at all.

How can I treat him the way I realy want to treat him, w/o coming off as a pusuer?

What are the do's and don'ts now that he's inching towards me?

I'm anxious to see how he greets me when he gets home on sunday. I'm expecting a kiss on the cheek, b/c I'm expecting him to be a lil' distant now that he's had some time to think, I'm sure he will be even more confused. But I'll welcome a kiss on the lips with "open arms" ;), I just don't want to scare him away.

I bought the girls some arts and crafts items and they're making him posters that say welcome home, and we missed you things like that, w/ drawings, they want to blow up a couple of balloons and tape them up around the house, and I'm making his favorite meal and baking a cake. To show him there are no resentful or hard feelings about his trip this time around, I'm sure he's expecting my usually sarcastic remarks and insecure comments about his trip, but I will bite my lip, tongue, poke myself with a pen, whatever needs to be done to be respectful, and not backslide. I've come too far in my eyes, in the past 3 months, to let it completely go now. Back in Oct, Nov, Dec I was dying for just a mere touch, and now the touches are sincere, not a "show" in front of family. I have to prove I am different.

Do you think what I have set up for sunday is too much? (The meal and the cake?) We used to do that 5 yrs ago, when he 1st began visiting his dad, and over the past couple of yrs it has died down, the more my angry feelings built up.

Is this Ok DBing??

[2gthrButApart]

One quick note:

His brother is currently having problems w/ his live in fiance, they have a 3 yr old son together and he has told her he doesn't feel the same way about her anymore. Says she complains, and deosn't do anything around the house, (she's a SAHM),and that he's felt this way for at least 3 mths, he has been having an, at least, EA w/ a 36 yr old woman from his Union office (10 yrs his senior)

... and he's probabaly venting my H, forcing him to relive everything he told me back in Oct.

When his "SIL" told him about his brother's speech, he told her it reminds him of when he and I WERE having problems.

Can his brother have a negative affect on him by bringing up all of these old sentiments he felt just a few wks ago, or can it help him to see how much our sitch is changing for the better over the past few wks?

[AJM]

Your H has to deal with his brother and his own feelings. My instinct tells me that he'll do well to have to relive the feelings with brother because he'll have to see his own actions objectively. He knows that his brother would not be even considering the things he's considering if not for the other woman. That's not how he works. The H feels that he's different. The older, more responsible brother. Deep down perhaps.

Over the top? I think it depends on if you have expectations. Do you? If so, back off. If not, then use your best judgement. You have doubt I can see and you may want to tone it down a little if you think it would be overwhelming. I don't have enough information to know if it would overwhelm him or not. I think it shows you care.

That's what I've learned in all of this. No matter what happens with current wife I learned that my instincts for treating people well are solid. Books reinforce that thinking. The way to build trust and confidence is the same in any R. It's the little things that subconciously show you care and can be trusted. Look for those opportunities and spread them out.

[2gthrButApart]

Hi AJ,

No, I don't have any expectations, except maybe to see him smile and for him to feel a sense of relief that I'm not b****ing at him b/c I want affection b/c I've missed him.

I want him to feel appreciated and I know he loves when the girls do thoughtful things like that for him.

He just called b/ c he said he realizes he didn't say GN or call the girls this evening, he was just relaxing at his dad's house all day. He told me he was getting ready to go grab a couple of drinks, hang out for about an hr at a lil' place sort of like a bar, then he's going grab a bite to eat and head back home. He was sure to say its nothing like a place that he's gone to over there in the past that caused some arguments btwn us.

I think he was just trying to relieve my worries, or insecurities so he gave me a lil' rundown and made sure I knew its nothing like the lounge his brother loves to go to.

We spoke for a bit, he spoke to the girls, then I told him he sounds a bit distracted so to just have a good time w/ the guys and to be careful. He said ok. Said he might call me 2nite. I told him its ok, I'll talk to him 2mrw, not to say 2nite when we both know he means 2mrw. He said well, he might call tonight (im not expecting it ;-) ) but to have a good night. I told him to have a good night as well, and to be safe. (He's in a dangerous part of town) he said ok, and said bye in a very soft, nice tone.

I think my new changes are helping him to realize what we truly have. I canlt wait to have my H back, but I must wait so that we can both me new people, the kind of people we need to be to have a new strong M.

Let's see what tomorrow will bring. Thanks for being there for me. I need to hop back on over to your board and catch up on you. I was reading your thread today.

[AJM]

Meant to mention: some people have referred to the process of building trust as being like trying to feed a wild squirrel from the palm of your hand. I think squirrels may be easier and act more thankful early on. But you get the point :0)

I think you need to focus on you and your changes and not focus on showing him. He'll notice and you'll have to trust that's the case. If you try to show him, it will come across as fake. If you make the changes you want to see, he'll notice. Certainly not in a timeframe comfortable to you, but he will. He'll learn to trust those changes and he'll learn that you make those changes because you care about him. You love him and what crazy bastard wouldn't want the love of a good woman? Remember that you've come far. You have. Don't stop on the journey. Fix you. Trust me that he'll notice. Trust me that you'll be better for it. Trust me that your confidence will return and nothing, I mean NOTHING is more attractive than confidence. Believe me.

Low self-esteem is a real turn off for men and women. It is.

Be the woman you've wanted to be. Now you have that freedom, the permission (you can give yourself that permission) and the time, you should take advantage of it. Be you. Be free.

Don't worry what he'll think. He'll notice. More importantly, you'll be glad you did and you'll be happy.

AJ