Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that. I've just been at it a lot longer is all. Remember I have three years of failed attempts at fixing this before this. AND...I'm not even sure if it's working. All you have to remember is that you have to work at it and you cannot give up. At most you change your approach. You can go back on just about anything except for one thing: giving up.
How are things going with you? Yesterday me and H talked. I broke the rules and I asked him point blank "Do you want to be with this girl?" He said no. He said there was a time when yes, he did, but not anymore. Granted, he didn't say "Because I want to be with you" but he did say no to her. That was around 9:00am. I haven't talked about her since and plan to not every speak about her again. She is officially dead to me.
Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you. Been a busy day.
Well, you're going to break the rules from time to time. The rules are really like very heavy guidelines. Since no two people are the same and all Rs consist of two people there can be no one exact foolproof way to do it. The important thing is that even though you "broke the rules" you got a positive response. Now it would be best to just drop that for now. Let it go, and move ahead with your DBing.
I can tell you what I've seen from your posts in the other topic and here that things are looking up for you. Your H seems to be reaching out in his own way and he seems to be making his feelings a bit more known than he did in the past.
The thing to remember with guys is that if a guy is going to answer your question he's going to answer what you asked him. You asked him if he wanted to be with the girl and he told you no. Chances are he isn't going to say "because I want to be with you" because to a guy he's already said it. He knows that you asked him that in regards to her vs. your R. So by saying no he's saying "because I want to be with you." At least that's how it would appear to me.
Still, just keep doing the 180s and keep doing things for you. You need to keep taking care of yourself (I know it can seem difficult at times) and stay upbeat and positive.
Here's something else to think about...
The hardest thing for me to grasp is that when you visibly let the problems effect you, you empower the other person. Not necessarily consciously, but the entire M now rests in that person's hands. They can approve of fixing it or destroy it. Either way, you have no say in either. So they hold all of the power.
However, it doesn't have to be that way. You have to give it to them. I know I did. I would get upset and pursue my wife, trying everything I could to make her see that D was the wrong idea. In the end, I pushed her towards it.
If you think about it there is truly very little control we have over our lives. There's always a million factors that can change anything for better or worse. In this day of failing economies and lay-offs nothing is guaranteed, regardless of your work history or experience. However, in chaotic times when we find that one thing that we can control, that one decision we can make that will change our lives in a huge way and this change comes completely from our own decision and action...well, that kind of control can seem to be very empowering and attractive. I think the decision to leave or divorce offers that kind of control, despite the fact that the promise itself is based entirely in falsehood.
So the way to combat the attraction of this control is not let H's decision visibly effect your life. If you do, you run the risk of handing him more control. However, if you continue to move in a positive direction despite this decision, you are exposing the falsities of this control's promise.
Wow again Mr Lost, you continue to amaze me with your insight and understanding. You have so much to offer someone, I hope some day, your W comes to see all of who you have become through this sitch. You have truly embraced the idea of taking whatever comes and turning it into something better.
My stitch just might be turning a corner too. Positive thoughts abiding.
The problem I'm having right now is that I don't know what to do at this point. I am continuing with the 180s and I am keeping positive, but she has not given me word one about the D. Granted that's a good thing, except she hasn't done anything to really let me know anything. I still have the packet, but we never discussed it. We seem to be getting along, but I just don't know if I should be doing or saying something at this point. While I don't want to pressure her, I also don't want things to grow stagnant. The divorce came out of stagnation and I certainly don't want to feed it. I know I need to keep positive, but I also want to keep moving forward. Any ideas or should I just sit tight awhile longer.
I agree, you have grown tremendous amounts. All of us can learn from you. I think the fact there's been no mention of D is great. She maybe thinking "Holy crap, what have I done?" But now it's the 800 pound gorilla in the room and you don't want to feed or even get close to it. Understandable and good call.
How about this: Do something sort of unexpected all things considered. Plan a night out for you and the kids and invite her...like an after thought maybe.....make sure she knows you and the Mr. Lost Clan are going no matter what. Say to her "I think we both need to hit the release valve here.....if you want to come, we'd love to have you, but if you have plans or your not up for it, we'll be home at X time." And go from there. Get her to have fun with you. Be a goof ball.
First of all, the kind of stagnation that brought the D about, is not the same as now. My understanding is that things did not change before and now they are changing slowly. If that is true, then you are on a good course. What to do? Stay the course. Enjoy things being ok. It's an important time to show her that things will continue to improve.
I wasn't going to tell this, but I think it may help you. In my first M, we were separated living together for a few years so that I could complete my master's degree and be able to provide a solid financial home for me and the kids. During that time, I had given up trying to change things and so did he. We stopped arguing, we got along and did things as a family with the kids for their sake and the rest of my family - my mother was dying during this time and he offered to help take care of her along with everyone else. By the time we filed for D, everyone was shocked because we had been getting along so well. Soooo, that made us rethink the D. He kept asking"what are we doing?" and I kept saying "we will talk when we get home". Only he never did talk to me once we were home and I just didn't question him. After the D, I wondered if I should have pushed a talk. By the way, I was the one asking for the D originally. He was the one who pushed it through in the end. We were able to stay friends, not just because of the kids, but because that is the kind of people we are. It seemed to me then that we may been able to salvage our M but didn't talk. Moral... getting along is a good thing, change is a good thing, making change the new norm is good, next step is doing something together as a family. When family events came up I told my exh, you are going as long as we are M, when we are D you can stop going. When you feel it is the right time to ask her if she still feels the same - you will know it. I encourage you to talk with her when you are ready. She offered to talk when the papers came. If you can live in the same house, be friendly daily, know what is coming, and still want to work on it, then please talk about it at some point.
So far, you have been a good judge of things and timing. I trust you to know when to initiate a talk.
If I can help any further just ask - you know I will be here.
See, I'm having a hard time reading her. I can't quite get where she's at. She doesn't talk about the future much at all, where before she was bringing it up daily. Since she was bringing it up without me in it, that's a good thing. Still, the fact thatnothing has come up is a bit troublesome.
We have been doing things together as a family more and her mood has generally been better. But I can't quite get where she's at and where I should be. Believe me, I want to talk to her about it, but right now I know if it goes negative I'll be crushed and don't know exactly how to deal with it. She keeps getting letters in the mail from the lawyer (from the billing dept.), but hasn't asked me word one about the terms she sent me. However, I told her that I didn't want to talk about it, so that may be part of it. Then again, she seemed almost surprised and even a little worried when the packet arrived, so I'm thinking she may be having second thoughts. But I also don't want to get my hopes up and then have the whole thing blow up in my face.
I guess the quick summary here is that I am so lost and confused right now as to what she is thinking, but I also do not think that bringing it up right now will be in my best favor. I have until April 30th to sign the packet and if I do not, then I get served. While I don't plan on signing the packet, if I bring it up now and she still wants the divorce, she may very well have me served sooner.
So I'm kind of stuck. I don't want to rush into something and pressure her, but I also don't want wait around and do nothing and let this thing progress.
This is more of a vent/rant journaling post but any comments/concepts/help/ideas are welcome.
Not getting a read on your W now maybe a sign that things are shifting. Just step back and think about things - if you change what you do and she changes her response then what shows up is new feelings for both. But it doesn't mean that you can't read her - it means that you have to let what you know about her in the past to catch up with what you see and do in the present. (was that too confusing?)
It would not be wise to do anything you are not prepared to handle. What do you have to do to get to that point?
Just a suggestion, instead of describing yourself as "stuck" try using the words- "staying the course" (or come up with your own) instead of "lost and confused" try - "figuring out what has changed and/or what is working".
Then, I think you have to see that she cares about you and maybe more than that. "More family time", "better mood", "stopped talking about the future without you in it", "worried about you", "not bringing it up".
She's giving you space, time to digest, but she could be using it as an excuse for having doubts or slowly second guessing herself.
Sorry I haven't posted in a couple days. Busy weekend and today was busy as well.
Nothing much to report. I've been taking time to spend with her when I can. Alot of time she'll watch tv upstairs and I'll let her watch for awhile and then come in there and watch with her. Usually we'll talk, but not about something serious. If I get the feeling she needs time or space, I'll go downstairs and do something else. I'm not going to force myself on her, but I also don't think existing separately with her is a good idea either.
Been keeping myself busy during the day and try to go about my life in a positive way.
