Starting to get "It" #2

[stillloveshim]

I think for tonight, starting now, you need to get into the Acting As If mode. Act As If everything is how it should be and just enjoy yourself. See you and your family from a by standers perspective, which should be a normal and happy and satisfied family out for one person's birthday.
And your freakin mess is not anywhere close to my freakin mess.

And your wife is more confused now than ever before! Good job LR!

[LR1]

I will start getting into "as if" mode now. I hope her being confused, if she is, is a good thing. I feel like she is more distant now? We will see how tonight goes. I am ready for the day to end and I have 4 more hours. Crap!

[stillloveshim]

Since hearing from AJ and Kassie, I've been trying to put myself in their shoes. (Our spouses, I mean, not AJ and Kassie.) I try to think like them and figure out how I would act and what I would say. It's actually been better for me these last couple of days to do this instead of trying to analyze every little eye flutter or smile or frown or whatever.
I think if I were your wife, and I told you I wanted out AND then you started to give me doubts about leaving with your actions, I think I might be distant too. I think I would act this way because A.) I'm confused now.....maybe I don't want to leave and B.) I'm confused but want to believe leaving is the best thing so I'm trying to be a distant and sort of mean, but you are making it hard to be mean, so I can do distant.....
Know what I mean? I think this is all good stuff for you.
Just have a great time.
Maybe try to treat her like a really good, long time friend who you know, needs to relax a bit and deserves some extra TLC from her friends and family.

[25yearsmlc]

My db coach said that when h would call, I should "Listen like a lover" (depending on your sitch that might mean "a friend" but you get the point) and to contrast the negative images they use to justify their actions, with positives...which is another reason for 180s...Don't fuel the negative images, so if there were temper problems, LOSE THE ANGER, at least in front of her... This was huge for me, b/c h infuriated me with selfishness and deceit. But the more I complained...the less he wanted to hear it. And remember to have fun together--laugh. it helps the bonding, and their negative recall of the M won't withstand all the positives and pleasant moments you can create.

Just food for thought. Try Laughing a lot!
(( j ))

[LR1]

Update:

Had a GREAT night but started a little rough. I left work early to take a shower and get cleaned up and then went to buy her a small cake (she LOVES cake). When I got home she was asleep, so I let her sleep for about 20 minutes and then went to wake her up. She got ready and then said that she need to clean out her backseat if we were taking her car. So I was being thoughtful and went to do it for her and I saw a receipt on top from a bunch of clothes she got. She said something like "I am not keeping all of that" and I replied I sure hope not (it was like $1600 worth). She kind of shook her head and sighed real loud. I started to get ticked off but didn't and stayed calm. Then I asked her why she was acting mad and she said that she wasn't but just frustrated. Anyway, that all got over with quick and but it was a rough start to the night.

We went to pick up the kids at the movies with their aunt so we could head to dinner. I took them out to our favorite restaurant and we had a great meal. Lots of talk and laughing. Seemed like old times for sure. I gave her the cards, one from the kids and one from me. She loved them and especially loved the card I got her. I was not a wife card or loving card, but a your a special person card. I then wrote something like 25 told me to and put I know this hasn't been the easiest or best year but I hope you are able to learn and grow and find peace and joy in the year to come. And to know that you are valued, respected and loved by me. When she read it, she got a happy/sad look on her face and her eyes watered and just said thank you very sweetly. I also gave her the present which she loved too. It was an outfit I saw in Dallas on my trip and she tried it on when she got home.

Speaking of which, I put the kids to bed and then went downstairs to leave and tell her bye. I told her that I had a great time tonight and she stood up and told me that she loved the night, the meal, card, presents and gave me a hug. It was the first hug she has initiated in months I can't read too much into it because she was probably just being nice and thanking me, but I have to say that I liked it.

On the way home, I texted her to say again that I had a good time and she thanked me again and said how nice everything was. Anyway, it was a good night. Hopefully more to come. I really do miss her and having a night like this as a family just makes me want it so much more and makes me that much more determined to never give up hope.

[stillloveshim]

I am THRILLED for you!!
You and your family really deserved that.
And it sounds like she loved the gift and the card was perfect.
So keep the momentum going. How are you going to do that? Any game plan?
My suggestion would be to nicely pull back a bit because she's probably expecting you to want to push forward with the momentum, so if you pull back, that would be a shock and unexpected.
Keep us posted.

[LR1]

I am pulling back. The kids are having a sleep over with me tonight and she is going out with the friend that I don't like. She texted me this morning to see how my men's bible study group went. Then texted me back to tell me she loved the cake and cards again. So good start to the day.

I have an IC appt today too. So that will be good as well.

[stillloveshim]

Why don't you like these friends?
I wouldn't worry about them too much. The reality is this: Think about how much say and influence your friends have over you now....Mine are great and so wonderful, I love them dearly, but they have no influence over me anymore. If I ask them "Does this make my butt look big?" that's me asking an opinion. And of course, they always say "No, you look hot!" But if they were trying to put their nose in my life to help "run" it, I would back off of them as friends.

[LR1]

Still,

Its just one friend in particular who we knew in high school and were never close. Now all of the sudden since Sep08, they are best friends, long lost friends. She is divorced and married way up in a prestigious family in the area. Her and her ex are great friends still. I believe that she is talking up D to W and making things look rosy. Anyway, I don't know this for a fact, but I do have bad feelings about it. And I know that no one can force their opinions on you, but I am sane right now. W is still a little off in WASland. So I think she is susceptible to friend making things look glamorous.

W texted me and asked what plans were for tomorrow and if I would like to meet her for lunch. So hopefully that is a good sign. She could have just said to drop the kids off.

[25yearsmlc]

Geez LZR,

be happy!! You had a great night with W and stop the negative imaging about what the HS Friend is saying...just b/c she left her M and "married UP" (wth??? you mean married someone with more money? What is it with you men always saying women 'marry up' b/c the new guy earns more....I don't think that many of us are that way...)

But you have zero control over it anyhow and as Still says, so what? I have LOTS of friends who's advice is almost useless to me in this arena. I always consider the source. If your w is in la la land, she'll still have to come to grips with the fact that she was happy last night...oh yeah...

As for the receipts and clothes...ouch! Did you HAVE to say anything, and right then on her birthday?? Really?? I can see how that could bug her & come up again. If you are having financial problems, she already knows...she knows...she's an adult and doesn't want to feel like a "kid getting caught by her parents".

You could have said nothing, (& let her see you saying nothing,) and then maybe she'd feel bad about it if there are money issues... BUT b/c you blurted out the "I sure hope so!" now she gets to feel defensive, which will probably lead to resentment. Sometimes silence is more powerful...

But back to the happy times. You can't undo the sentence and the evening progressed anyway...so focus on those moments and have a good c session. You are making progress...so be glad for that. There are lots of good signs here.

(( j ))