Starting to get "It" #2

[25yearsmlc]

Neither one of you is ready, truth be told. It would confuse the heck out of you and you'd obssess about it endlessly, if you're really honest with yourself.


But It is a MAJOR dilemma for most of us in this process. When h would visit, if he slept in the guest room the kids would notice and comment to me in private. If not, who knows what they thought? And just b/c we shared a bed...anyhow, it's a dicey personal thing. I got some good DB coach advice (& highly recommend getting it for you) and remembered that for me and my sitch, I felt that I'd do what came naturally, as long as I felt I could handle it. Meaning, I would not if I suspected that later on I'd feel used, etc. Besides, h was gone a lot and there was no ow, so it's not as if he came and went as he pleased. But since she is the semi-WAS with mixed feelings, it's your heart that is most at risk.

One well meaning friend told me "NO way!! How can you?? I would never let myself get used that way...blah blah blah"--- but that particular friend had issues of her own. She and her h had not slept together in YEARS so I was not about to listen to that Expert, you know?

DB coach said "Do what feels natural, loving AND that you can handle..."

I thought it was something we were "good at" and it brought us closer and the more distance you get from there, the harder it is to recall. And I wondered if any man returned to a woman b/c of the great sex they NEVER had...
But it is a very personal issue. I say you aren't ready b/c of the confusion I think it would create in you. Could be wrong. If you confined its' meaning, who knows?


Your "backslide" has one advantage, which is that she knows you desire her. Every woman wants to know that. Not in a vulgar "anyone would do , but since you're in front of me..." but that you want her, specifically, and no one else.

Someday that may need to change so that she fears losing you, etc. (Meaning if you have to go dark, etc) But for now, aren't your changes mainly aimed at demonstrating your loving nature and romantic side and the less critical parts of you? I ask this b/c it's easy to confuse other posters here with those who overly pursue, and or those who had drinking as their issue, or tempers...and as I recall, you have some temper/critical/jealous/impatience issues to combat, correct? So, if that's accurate, then maybe it wasn't such a backslide anyhow b/c of the follow up comments you made.

Make sense? As for the gifts, since she'll know the "kid's gifts" came from you anyhow, why make it so hard and complicated? I mean, she WILL know it's really from you, correct? So Make at least one gift a nice personal one, like jewelry or perfume she likes (Only perfume SHE likes, not just any, and same goes for jewelry, ). As for the card, sign the kids card with a nice note about the coming year being one of "growth, learning," or that you hope she finds peace and joy in her life and that she knows she's valued and loved by her famly...I'm throwing this out and I'm feeling pretty good about it LZR, but have others say their thoughts and figure out what seems natural. I KNOW I would not go overboard but let me ask you this:

What would your wife tell a stranger is happening in your m right now?
Would she say you are separated? Trial sep? Taking a time out? Aiming for div? What do you think she would call it, not what you hope, but what realistically is her description of this situation?

That will tell us a lot about how to proceed.
Good luck,

(( j ))



















I got so many mixed messages from friends I recall one frid

[LR1]

25,

Neither one of you is ready, truth be told. It would confuse the heck out of you and you'd obssess about it endlessly, if you're really honest with yourself.

You are probably right about that. I know she isn't and knowing me, I would obsess about it.

Your "backslide" has one advantage, which is that she knows you desire her. Every woman wants to know that. Not in a vulgar "anyone would do , but since you're in front of me..." but that you want her, specifically, and no one else.

I knows that she knows I want her and only her. That has NEVER been a question in our M. I'm not sure why I let that come out, but I did and I actually am glad that I did. I do want her to know that even after everything, I still love her and want only her.

and as I recall, you have some temper/critical/jealous/impatience issues to combat, correct? So, if that's accurate, then maybe it wasn't such a backslide anyhow b/c of the follow up comments you made.

Your recollection is correct. I did and still do have temper/jealous(now)/impatience issues but am working on them and doing better in all phases. I do think that me not blowing up and acting like a child who didn't get what they wanted was a good thing for her to see. Afterall, she has said numerous times including to our MC that I say I am changing but my actions don't reflect it. I think that I did more good in her eyes with this small little thing than I have in months.

Make sense? As for the gifts, since she'll know the "kid's gifts" came from you anyhow, why make it so hard and complicated? I mean, she WILL know it's really from you, correct? So Make at least one gift a nice personal one, like jewelry or perfume she likes (Only perfume SHE likes, not just any, and same goes for jewelry, ). As for the card, sign the kids card with a nice note about the coming year being one of "growth, learning," or that you hope she finds peace and joy in her life and that she knows she's valued and loved by her famly...I'm throwing this out and I'm feeling pretty good about it LZR, but have others say their thoughts and figure out what seems natural.

Thanks for the advice on the gifts and card. I will definitely do the card with a note. Nothing romantic.

What would your wife tell a stranger is happening in your m right now?
Would she say you are separated? Trial sep? Taking a time out? Aiming for div? What do you think she would call it, not what you hope, but what realistically is her description of this situation?

I really do believe that she would say we are going through a difficult time in our marriage and trying to deal with our problems. I do not think she would say we are seperated or aiming for D. I may be wrong, but I honestly do not believe that. I think that she would be acting a lot different if she was really going to go forward with a D. I think she is confused and that it is very difficult for her. I also still think she may miss what OM was giving to her emotionally but I do think that is over now. I think it will take time for her to come back to me, but if I make the changes necessary for me to be more calm, easy going, less anger, less temper, more of a leader in the family, then she will come back. I have to be patient and take my time to do this for myself regardless, but I do think she will come around if I don't continue to push her out the door.

Anyway, thanks for continuing to help me.

Another little update. She just texted me and asked if I wanted to eat dinner at home with her instead of me just taking the kids out to dinner. She is grilling hotdogs and making rotel. Sounds good and weather here is gorgeous. 76 and sunny. Can't wait to get home!!

LonelyRzr

[25yearsmlc]

well YAY!...take it easy and slow. I don't think anyone here has failed at reconciling for that, but God knows they do for taking it too fast.
180's + time...= change she can believe in...

(( j ))

[LR1]

Well tonight was mixed. She did invite me home for dinner which I accepted. I got home and she was in the bathroom talking to her sister. My SIL told me Sunday that she watched Fireproof and asked if I had seen it and I told her yes and that I thought it was really good but wasn't sure if W would watch it with me or even if it was good to do right now. Anyway, I overheard W asking questions about movie when I walked in and I know SIL was asking her to watch it with me. Kids attacked me and wanted me to come outside to put on a dance for me that they had been practicing. So I went outside and watch their performance and then W started getting dinner ready. I went in and asked if I could help and everything was light and easy.

Then she said that she needed to ask me something but didn't want to make me mad. I said you can ask me anything and she said well maybe not mad but hurt your feelings. I said to just tell me and she said that she really wanted to go out and shop instead of hanging with us because she had been with the kids since Friday and needed a break. I was disappointed inside, but I totally understand where she was coming from and went over to her and touched her shoulder and told her that it was ok that she went out and I understand where she needed a break and take all the time she needed. The kids and I would have a great time. Also told her that she doesn't need to worry about hurting my feelings or whatever and that I will be just fine. Hopefully I handled that right and we went on to have a good dinner and then watched the kids do a couple of more dances for us.

She left and kids and I rode bikes, played bball, went to get smoothies and watched AI before bed. W got home and was nice but still a little distant. I put D to bed and then went down to kiss S goodnight and told W bye and I had fun with them tonight and would do again soon.

I guess I wanted to do something more as a family tonight but I understand she needed a break and was more than willing to accommodate that. I know I need to take it slow and will do so, but sometimes I get anxious. But no harm done tonight, I was nice, calm, loving and thats all I can be.

Like you said -

180's + time...= change she can believe in...

[stillloveshim]

Handled like a true champion of DBing. And it sounds like you had a blast with the kids. I bet the dances were perfect.

[LR1]

Thanks Still,

I am having a hard time today. Can't get her out of my head. Just sitting at my desk at work doing nothing. This is a hard day for some reason. Texted back and forth a bit with W about our homework from MC and needed to get it done before next appt (30th). I don't know what's going on, but really down today and can't snap out. Someone hit me with a 2x4 to wake me up or something.

[stillloveshim]

Hey LR,
Must be something in the air then because I am feeling your pain and angst too today. I'm going dark, or as dark as I can since we have a child together.
I've been letting things into my brain that I need to shut out.
So this is what we are going to do. We are going to snap out of it together.
I want you to tell me about an event in your life....anything you want....but I would prefer fun or silly or stupid or embarassing.
Here's mine:
I was in college.
It's an ironic story really.
I was the designated driver that Thursday evening and it was pretty cold where I went to school. (At my college the Greek system set up dd's for every Thursday-Saturday night. We would all be on a rotation and had to stay sober that night, next to a phone to pick up the drunkards as they called to get home safely)
I went out to pick up some of my sisters, and they were annoying drunks, not fun ones, not mean ones, not cute, just ANNOYING.
As we were on the last stretch of the trip back to the house, I was yelling at one of them not to puke in the car, which was not mine.
I'm looking over my shoulder and COMPLETELY miss a sharp turn into Greek row. The drunk sister in the front seat is actually coherent enough to say "Oh bleep, this is going to be an awesome story...." At that point, I am turning my head back around....but it's alreayd too late. My heart drops and I miss the turn, hit a small hill that launches the car into the air.
I estimate we were airborne for at least 5 seconds. In my horrified-I'm-going-to-kill-these-people-that-I-actually-really-like-state of mind it felt like we were in the air for at least five minutes.
Of course the drunks are either laughing or semi sleeping.
Fortunately, we hit the ground and even though it was grass it sounded like we hit concrete. The car was old enough to not have air bags, which was probably a good thing because I have to believe they would have deployed.
I was so shaken up, I couldn't move. The sister in the front seat got out, screaming "Did you see that??? Did you bleeping see that??? That was bleeping awesome!!!" That's about when I noticed a huge crowd of fraternity guys outside of their house drinking and cheering.
I was so happy to be alive, I didnt' bother to be embarassed.
But from that point on I was called Fly-Girl.
I was also taken off the rotation.
No one was hurt amazingly. Just me with some bruises.
The university wanted to know who had been driving on the grass. I left some HUGE divets in the grass.
There was a reward offered for $50.
Not one person turned me in.
alright, give me something....

[LR1]

Still,

That was funny, you guys are lucky you didn't get hurt or least in trouble by the university

I have one from back in high school. I was on vacation in bahamas and we did a day pass to club med. We spent the day swimming, playing games and then decided at last minute to stay for dinner. I had to run back to the boat and get a change of clothes for me and 4 girls and makeup, hair stuff, ect. I remembered everything to the last detail, except for underwear for me Everyone is making fun of me once I let them in on my mistake.

So I realize it after shower and can't go back to the boat to get some so I go free and we have a nice dinner and after dinner they have a game of musical chairs for a nice bottle of champagne. So everyone finally talks me into playing and at first I didn't want to be there, but once the game started my competitive juices started flowing and I was going to win!

It got down to one chair and me and a 30ish german guy and we are walking around the chair when the music stops I am about to sit in it and the dude yanks the chair out from under me and I fall. I was extremely embarrassed and stood up and felt my left pinky feel weird so I look down at it and the top joint was sticking out to the left. I think oh crap and then turn over my hand and the rest of the bone was sticking out of the bottom. I just about passed out seeing that and my gf (now my W) ran over to me and sees the bone and blood and FREAKS out.

Anyway, now getting to the funny part. Ambulance comes and this really pretty nurse is taking care of me and says that she has to give me a shot in the rear. They have already bandaged up my finger and stabilized it and I start to unzip my shorts and she grabs them and says she will help I push her hand away and do it myself and pull down my pants a little for the shot. She was probably thinking I was some perve. Everyone was rolling with laughter as they witnessed the whole thing and my expression when she grabbed my pants.

[stillloveshim]

LMAO!!
For a second there, I didn't think you understood what we are doing here! Sorry about your finger!! What did the German guy say/do? That's the most competitve game of musical chairs I've ever heard of!
I went to a different university my freshman year out of state and then transfer to an in state school. Mainly because of financial reasons and partly because of this story.
I met a girl freshman year from Jersey. Total Jersey girl with the accent, cigarettes and hair spray. LOVED HER. One day I get back to the dorm from class and she's got two pair of roller blades. One pair for her chain smoking butt and the other for me of course.
Keep in mind, I've only seen these things, these roller blades. She's been skating on them all of her life with her older brother who loved ice hockey and roller blading.
We go out. I'm a complete mess. And I have no helmet, no pads, nothing protective at all.
All is going ok, then we find a small hill. Before I know it, I get on this small hill and I'm gaining speed. She starts yelling Slow Down! Watch Out! I'm just trying to keep my balance, arms going crazy.
I see some grass (at this point she's cackling like a witch and I sort of hate her) and I think "That will slow me down!" I veer toward it.
I hit the grass.
Three feet into the grass, I hit a chain link fence.
It makes this amazing BOING noise.
I hit the grass.
I hear amazingly loud laughter. I look up and I realize I've hit the fence that surrounds the sports fields. There are TONS of guys (and at that moment, in my complete mortification all of them are gorgeous) bent over, pointing, laughing. One finally comes over and with a country twang, "Are you all right?" Of course he says this between laughing. I said Yes. Thanks.
At this point my friend gets there. She helps me up and looks at me. Then she and this guy I don't know start laughing harder. She laughed so hard back to the dorms she couldn't tell me what was so funny, but it was me she was laughing at. I became very concerned as people were staring at us. Or me I should say. I had taken off the stupid roller blades and walked back to our dorm.
I finally get to a mirror and see.
I had chain link fence shaped marking all across my face. Eventually, across my forehead and part of the right side of my fence, a chain link fence shaped bruise developed for about two days.
I will never forget the sound that fence made when I hit it. Even I laugh about that.

[LR1]

That fence story is one of the funniest things I have heard in a while. I am sorry for you, but to have the fence markings on your forehead is funny

I ended up get 7 stitches in the pinky and had to goto the hospital in Nassau and had a foreign doctor that pointed at pinky and touched it in different places and just said "hurt?" I knew I was in trouble The rest of the trip was ruined for me because I couldn't swim or fish or anything because I couldn't get the finger wet.

The german guy was a big jerk (was drunk), never said he was sorry and his gf or w ended up giving us the bird. But we did get the bottle of champaign but I wasn't old enough to partake in any of it