Well, I think you're still a strong woman. The fact that you didn't just kick him to the curb and are hanging in there fighting for this, when society tells you that it's fine and acceptable to take easier road and give up, shows you are very strong. Do you know the guys he went golfing with? It sounds to me that he's got something in his head that's bugging him and for whatever reason he's not letting it out. Either he put together a couple of pieces of information and (more than likely) has made a mountain out of a molehill, or someone said something to him that got his mind derailed from fixing the R and sent it into paranoidville. OR the third possibility is that you said or did something that he took in a negative way (whether or not you meant anything by it) and ran with it throughout morning. Whatever the case, it sounds to me that he's built up something in his head that is far more important or intense to him than it is to you. More than likely it was something small that meant nothing and it was intensified by the situation. Speaking as a guy who has done this very thing, I would recommend you just lay off of him for now and let him work it out. He'll probably tell you what it is tonight or tomorrow. If his behavior changed so quickly whatever it was it built up in a few hours so it's something than seems intense to him. The reason I bring that up is because, as I said, it's probably something that's going to seem tiny to you, but you also have to remember how serious it is for him. The worst thing to do is to disregard his feelings and either laugh it off or get angry no matter how trivial or silly it turns out to be.
So, as both you and Kassie have told me many time before...
Remember to breathe.
Keep us up to date. There's a good chance his basketball buddies might tell him how ridiculous his "issue" is, but that's okay. For guys it's a relief to be razzed by your buddies, but to be razzed by your spouse is another matter.
{{{SLH}}} Sorry to cut into your thread MR L. Don't know how to find her. (maybe we could consider this a group session LOL)
Take some deep breaths, blow your nose, and breathe further. Mr L gave you some great insight in H's thinking and behavior.
I would add that when men don't know how to solve a problem they bail until they find a solution. Nothing they say means anymore than that they feel stuck = failure. So, giving space is one way to allow him the time to sort it out because if he can't figure out a solution - nothing changes - and you can't give him the solution - it doesn't work that way. If you do - he will change for a day or two and do back to where he was before - classic complaint on this site.
I hear you feeling the loss and disconnection with him for today. Moving forward should be in the direction of reconnecting. That is what is "bolstering" your strength since motherhood not undermining it.
If you would like some suggestions I will give them here but only take what you want: 1) when H is upset don't offer to leave - ask if there's anything you can do. He isn't thinking -if you offer a negative solution he will take it - if you offer to a positive such as listening you will get a positive response like ok or not now thank you. 2)do not be devastated over his problems - he made it clear that they were his not yours - let him solve his own problems while you can relax and take care of yourself.
I know that you are sensitive and vulnerable at this stage. Doing a 180, like seeing his anger and either letting him deal with it himself or offering to help without taking it personally might help you. I know things sounded great - connecting - but when there's a disconnect - focus on ways to reconnect when possible. That means - offer to be there but if he doesn't want that - don't be offended - just wait and take care of yourself until he is ready.
Any questions? Did I get things right or miss something? Wish I could give you a hug - here's a cyber one - {{{HUGS}}}}
Well, today was pretty much uneventful. I went out and bought some DVD organizers. The kids went ahead and decided to turn the packing foam into a nice powdering of snow over the entire living room. My wife came in and asked me what I was doing and I showed her the DVD organizer. She looked like she was about to say something, but didn't. She just changed the subject.
Then I took the kids to my parents house since my parents just got back from Florida, plus it gave my wife some time to work on her assignment.
When I got back she had to run to Target to pick up a few things, so I put the kids to bed.
Not much to report...not always a bad thing.
However, last night there was something...odd. She asked me if I wanted a passport. She was going to order them for her and the kids and since they're good for ten years, even if I don't have a need now, who knows what will happen in 10 years.
This is odd because...
1. If she wanted a divorce, why would she care?
2. If she is going to get a passport now, would that make sense since she would legally go back to her maiden name within a few months? While she's been acting irrational, she is far from absent-minded and I know she would have caught that. So it would appear that on some level she is not expecting this divorce to go through. I think that keeping the divorce on the table is a sort of safety-net for her while she gets her emotions back together.
However, even if I am correct on 2, I still need to be careful and keep at it. Luckily, the changes that I am making I am making for me this time around and not for her. So even if I bring this down a couple of defcons the changes will still be coming.
Oh, and I don't mind cutting into my thread. I kind started looking at it as a very small support group/therapy session a couple of weeks ago. No matter how similar or different our sitches are, we all know the pain and anxiety of having a M on the brink and I think its a good thing to have the support for one another.
Mr. L, It sounds like you are getting really good at this. I wish I could organize everything like you do....really think it out logically and just move forward. I'm so proud of you and thanks for the insight. I think it's beyond that.
Kassie and Mr. L, Basically my H is immature. He seems to want to be a single man with as few responsibilities as possible. He did tell me to stay at our place but only after some prodding. And then he got home at 2:45am. He was so distant and really disrespectful to me. I pushed a little too hard. I told him that maybe we need to move forward with the D. He needs to file. The problem we have now, or his problem anyways, my blessing oddly enough is that we can't afford to divorce. We really can't afford two households. But he said OK, if the county will take a credit card he's going to file soon and I told him to get his own insurance and to serve me at the place I'm staying. He told me today that maybe we should just take a break before we do/say something we'll regret. The girlfriend I'm staying with....her H is very good friends with my H. As a matter of fact, they are playing golf together today as they OFTEN do. My girlfriend's H told her that for the last month he has wanted to tell me to give up. She finally pinned him down as to why. He said that my H often says things now like "....my soon to be ex wife...." And things like that and has been for the last month or so. I was so hopeful we were doing well and on the road to where we could create something new and wonderful, but I've been so wrong...so blind, so accomodating to him. My H has yet to have a whole weekend by himself with our S because I've jumped in to help because....I don't even have any good reasons for doing that. I'm so upset. I really truly am starting to feel we are at the end. I don't feel like I can turn this around anymore. Kassie, my thread is in Walk Away Spouse under "I moved here from MLC." Sorry to hi-jack here Mr. Lost, but I know you understand. Thanks for letting me cry here. It's been really really dark. I've even lost it in front of my S, which I can't stand myself for. How do I stop this? I've been so so stupid. So emotional.
I've been reading your posts-- I'll have to reread after coffee before I offer suggestions, but just so you know ...
the children's passports will only be good for 5 years. they aren't good for 10 yrs until after you turn 18 or 21 (can't remember which). My kids have passports (and have had since they were 2)and we are in the process of getting them new ones since theirs expired again and we're taking another overseas trip this year.
My question would be, why spend the money on a passport if there are no plans for a trip????
As far as the passports, you're right about the kids passports. They are good for 5 years, but the kids names aren't going to change due to the divorce. The reason I was focused on hers was that why would she go through the money and effort to have to turn around in a couple months and change the name. I know that she can change it and it isn't difficult to do, but there is no trip in the immediate future, so to not wait doesn't make any sense. Her thing is that she loves to travel, though we haven't been able to for financial reasons. However, even post divorce, our financial situation will be worse, so I doubt she'll be able to do much traveling, especially during the next couple of months.
Long story short, to get you up to speed, my wife filed for divorce, but is not going to serve me for 90 days, of which I have 60 days left. She has been extremely depressed for years now and has only recently gotten any help for it. Her attitude and demeanor has changed drastically over the past couple weeks and I've been doing 180s up the wazzu. Things seem to be improving, but she has not stopped the serving date and has not told me that she wants to stay together. THat's the reader's digest version, there's a lot more to it, but that will give you a general idea.
Mr L - your thread may lock down soon - be prepared. I know I keep doing this to you so here it goes again: have you asked her how she plans to use the passports and when? I know you feel a bit shy about "confronting" W on things but sometimes it is just natural to ask the questions vs not asking. I think it was her opening a door with that question.
SLH - I would ask the guys what your friend is talking about - I didn't have enough information for that one. I am also interested in their take on H's words and behavior. I responded on your thread in WAS.
Kassie- If I get locked down, I'll start another thread in this topic.
Okay, well I didn't need to ask her about it. She said "I know you want to pay bills, but it's only $X for all of us and you're going to need one even going to Canada and I know you probably don't have any plans to go to Canada anytime soon, but they're good for like 10 years and a lot can happen in that time and this way you have one."
She said a couple of things that were odd today and slightly discouraging. One, she was supposed to have her friends sister visit, but the sister's kid was really sick and they figured it was best not to so the kids didn't all get sick. She said that she told her that the next time she goes to Vegas she plans to bring the kids with her, so maybe they could meet up then.
I know that's nothing too big, but it was talk of a future without me in it.
Then she was talking about how the crazy neighbor was mowing his lawn the other day (it's still rather cold here) and I told her if it keeps warming up like it does today I was considering it to pick up some of the stray leaves in the yard (winter came fast and early this time so a lot of lawns had leaf-covered lawns with snow piled on top of them). She said "I know, I'm thinking about buying a new lawnmower soon." I know this sounds stupid, but knowing her like I do, she was more referring to the idea that she was going to have to take care of the lawn from now on without me. Though that sounds like I'm paranoid and making a mountain out of a molehill, I can say with a lot of certainty that was what she was getting at.
Then, lastly, she was telling me that next week she was taking our old car to have it detailed so that she could sell it. Again, this was something that during our marriage we would have talked about. But in her mind right now, that car belongs to her and she can sell it or not sell it as she pleases.
So...
Thinks aren't entirely rosy on my end, but they could be worse. Still doing the 180s, still keeping a positive upbeat attitude in front of her and the kids, and still have some time to make a difference. I still think she's wavering, but not quite ready to come over. I'm giving her the space and I don't want to press her on anything right now because I don't want to push her in the wrong direction.
I think you are doing great. And I know, I hear those little itty bitty comments too that if someone else were listening they would think we were crazy to hear it that way. With that, I think she and my H says things like that because they are trying to think of life without us. But it doesn't mean they are going to be able to follow through. I'm reading "I Do, Again." If you read, go out and get it. Very inspirational. You are doing amazing things Lost. Amazing.
