Post Finale

[25yearsmlc]

YOU WROTE:

What do YOU want Jeff?" "Not what you think is "best" for the kids or what is best to keep the peace with ExW." Or what is best to ease any guilt I may have.

"What do YOU want Jeff?"

If I do what is best for me, the kids will be fine. Do I want to give up 1/2 my Sunday? Do I want my son enrolled in baseball?

Those are my decisions. If she doesn't like, too bad. The kids are going to have to live their lives in split households - that is the reality of the matter. Period. End of story.....END QUOTE

Jeff, my friend, you are a good man. But to me, this is the reverse of the truth. What is best for our children is best for us, in the long run, and usually in the short run too.

And while I know your w wanted the counselling session to convince you that you were wrong, she would not have succeeded, and it might have had a seed of reality therapy planted in her crazy head...that was my hope.

(( j ))

[saffie]

Jeff,

I know the example I gave you was extreme but I wanted to illustrate to you an instance of a father who put his child first however much it hurt him. I don't expect you to react in such a strong way.....but at the moment I do not think you are putting your children's needs first. I think you are using them as a reason to argue/ harbour bad feelings towards your ex and I think that could backfire. A little give and take is required. If your W takes that specific time away from you then she needs to give back time elsewhere.

[faithisbelieving]

saffie...THAT last post I agree with. That's what I tell Jeff. He must now take time and SORT OUT his feelings here. What is anger against his WAW? What is the truth with regards to his son re: baseball? Does S11 want to play the sport or is he being ramshackled to it? Jeff..have you sat down in Starbucks with S11 over a hot chocolate and asked him what he wants to do?

If S11 said he hates baseball, then, there would be a HUGE discussion to have with WAW.

If S11 wants to play, I think it behooves you to 'make it work'. I also think that you should then work something out with WAW where there are sports and leagues where some of the time falls on HER days so that you DO have the time that you need.

Jeff...tomorrow...Saturday..is my day with the kids until weekends are split. S8 has an hour and a half baseball clinic...I arranged a playdate for him for two hours after that....we then have my sis' birthday across the street and he will play with his cousin's. He then has a sleepover party. I am trying to arrange for D5 to have a playdate during his baseball clinic so she doesn't have to sit bored in a cold warehouse.

S8 is going to have a GREAT DAY tomorrow. I will have little time with him....but he needs this now.

What is right for your S11? Why don't YOU start planning the activities and playdates that work for YOU? A 180? I register my kids for all the sports and now 'do playdates'.

Sort it out. But..by ALL MEANS....I support you on maintaining the place in the equation. There is NO SUCH THING as unilateral decisions with regards to the education, health and welfare of your kids.

Strength and honor.
FIB

[Jeff223]

The 3 worst words in the English language are "should", "could" and "would" for they are all about obligations and things we think are best for us to do, but aren't.

IOW, they are wellsprings of guilt.

Guilt sucks.

We know and are constantly learning what's best for us as men and fathers - and sometimes we forget our exes do NOT have a monopoly on truth and understanding. So if they insist on doing things in a certain way, that does not mean they are right.

Okay, let me sound defensive (it is my thread afterall ):

The point here is not about sports. My kids are already particpating in sports on my weekends and I fully support that. And they will continue to do so in the future.

The question here is what my friend FIB calls *balance*. Just b/c a child wants to do XX does not mean a parent should sacrifice all to get him or her XX, provided the parent is not hurting the child in the process. Notice I say hurt, not disappoint.

My duty as a father is not to make my kids happy or be their playmate. My job is to teach them about life, how to survive, how to grow into pillars of society. Strength, honor, integrity, loyality, family, perserverence. My terms as a man.

Part of that is the reality that we don't always get what we want but we can develop the skills to get what we need.

I cannot teach them my terms (given my LIMITED time with them) without a balance of inside private time and outside activities with friends or organized sports.

That is what I am asking for here. Balance. The kids are already enrolled in many things. My son played baseball in the past and it was beyond doubt the most time consuming, so my decision was to pass on baseball in favor of alternatives that would fit our schedules better.

It was not a hasty decision.

Former W chose to ignore me.

And, I hate to say it, all evidence points to she did it so that she could get additional time with the kids. I will not bore you with additional facts here.

That is the case in hand. It has little to do with me trying to pick a fight or harbor anger. Been there, done that.

It has all to do with boundaries and what is good for me and the kids.

And, yes I am in the equation. If all I do is give by doing what I "should", "could" or "would" then it WILL turn into guilt and resentment. I am only human.

Balance is win-win. No resentment. Kids get to do their thing. I get to do my thing with them. Kids feel secure; they don't have to choose between dad and XX. And I do not put them under pressure by asking them to choose (sorry FIB).

Men Lead. Not the children.

Former W is trying to take that away.

*Should* I allow that to happen?

----

I am glad I started this discussion. So MANY positive, thought provoking points made.

Thanks.

Strength and Honor.

[Jeff223]

Okay. Let me NOT be defensive .

Have the kids tonight. They are trying to make a house out of playing cards.

I walked up and said "let me show you a different way to do it - the way I learned when I was your age".

They were THRILLED. An hour of them trying to do what I did.

How did you learn, they asked over and over?

Be patient, said I.

Hey dad, LOOK! Look what I did!

I shared how I learned from my uncle how to do this. I shared family history.

They were hanging on my every word. My daughter kissed me.

Hey dad, we are getting GOOD at this!! Come look!!!

Of course I could have been at some outside activity, watching from the bleachers.

No thanks.

BUT - the building cards does not replace the outside activities.

Balance.

Should I let former W define that?

[25yearsmlc]

I was raised Catholic so I know about how people react to the word guilt...but there is such a thing as a conscience.

Shame is unhealthy. Remorse is a guide. Try hard to know the difference.

In the end, if I fail my children in some meaningful way, then nothing else I do in my life will matter much.

I don't know the right answer here, but I sense a scorecard and a competition with the wife and frankly, I don't care if she has a scorecard. I bet she does. I don't care what her motives are.... I just want you to do what is best for the children without the spin about your needs and wants. Sounds a lot like rationalizations, and those rationalizations are frightening things...

Hope this is making sense.

(( j ))

[Jeff223]

Been awhile. Busy at work and other things. I lost my 15 lbs and feel and look great.

Sent former W an email and told her that her planning things on my time was a non-starter. I worded it nice but firm. This is a boundary that I not let things come between my kids and me.

She backed down. In fact, for the first time she offered to give up her time if she needed to. I was shocked at her response. Like I discussed before, this was a test. Push my buttons and see what happens. Sticking to my terms and boundaries worked and made "passing" the test possible. She knows when she crosses the line.

I discussed baseball with my son and we decided he should play. I still hate it takes so much time but the season is not too long. I am still on the fence about Sunday School. I am not yet ready to find a new church but when I do the kids will go with me.

All for now. This thread is about to lock. Doubt I will start another. There are only two or three folks left that I still follow here - everyone else is gone. I don't have the strength to read newcomers anymore - the memories are too strong and the newcomers sound just like I did three years ago.

Been three years this month since the bomb. Also my one year anniversay as a single guy. Three years without sex (is that a record?).

The next three years will be better. And the next three after that.

They will be b/c I will live in a way that will make me happy. I am free to choose my world and I have the power to transform it.

We all can.

Strength and Honor.

[TNP]

Hey Jeff,

You still here.

I don't get on this site too much anymore, it can get a bit depressing.

It is crazy the way you think you have everything under control and then some thing happens and you see that you still have a long way to go.

My STBXW still hasn't filed, still has here beau staying at the family home when he's in town and still pointedly ignoring me when I visit the kids. her loss.

I was given a box of chocolates before Christmas for doing a santa gig at this local church, so not wanting them myself I gave them to loverboy as a Christmas present, I had presents for the kids, a cheap one for the ex2b & her family etc. so I figured I'd give him one too. wtf as they say. Still hasn't caused any thawing of his icy looks when I turn up at her place. His problem not mine.

Am thinking of filing myself, government is giving most of us a cash payment to try to bolster the economy over here, so I might use the governments $'s to file, I'll see. Seems like enough is enough to me.

Well, take care Jeff. I'll update my 2 year old thread shortly.

Paul (TNP)

[faithisbelieving]

To Jeff....I understand how you feel about ending your thread. I think that, if being here causes you one minute of feeling down by, what my IC labels 'cues', then it's time to wind down.

I know I will when I reach that point. Who'da thought that I would be here almost three years post-bomb (mine in 5/06). DonH once posted on my thread, "be patient as this is going to take a long time." Man was HE right. I miss his posts.

This is your year Jeff. You are NOT a failure. You WILL BE if you lose everything you've learned here and don't apply it to your next R. So...I, in a positive way, I DO DISAGREE with you...after all this time...you one statement that 'we DID fail'.

No we didn't Jeff.

No we didn't.

Kudos on 'passing' one of those 'tests' we hear about.

Finally, to TNP...I understand where you are. Afterawhile, you see the light....you recognize that the 'emperor has no clothes'...and you understand that when you've fought the good fight, divorce is more a rebirth than a death. Stay strong.

Strength, and honor Jeff.

FIB

[25yearsmlc]

3 years is a long time but not so unusual here. And not so long, compared to a life time together. But you know something in you is different when you see D as a freeing thing. Not at all terrifying the way it once was. Sounds as if you are there.

I do have 2 relatives who divorced and remarried years later. So it does happen. But then, who knows what YOU will want down the road?

At some point, like you said, "enough is enough" and I'd still just caution you about the fathering things I've said before. But as for your w and THAT R, well, you seem to be where you need to be to move on...at least now. No one here will sit in judgement of you for filing...we all need to know at some point that it's DONE and we are FREE...

(( j ))

PS from what I've read here, nope, 1 year without sex is NOT nearly a record. In fact there are some sex starved marriages with NO sex for years and they are married! Of course, that is probably why they are on this site...