Re the FF friends issue: yes, we've talked extensively about several times that the boundary issue has led to problems. Part of the problem seems to also be that he's a bit (ahem!) naive about the average female.
I think he's been through a fairly hard-learned lesson though. So have I. I think if I start to hear any particular woman's name mentioned often in regard to his work, I will pay close attention and may even ask questions.
Other than that, we've had some fairly detailed talks i.e. he says that if he's having email "friendships", having lunch alone with female coworkers, or anything else that he knows I would be ticked off about--he shouldn't be doing it in the first place.
"Maybe it's about creating an environment where he feels as though he can be who he really is..."
That is exactly what H says he has always missed in our M. H said that he never felt like he could be himself with me. I continue to show H he can be himself with me. I try to not be demanding, controlling or judgemental now. It seems to be working, but VERY slowly. nik
Quoting talitsa: Sage, isn't the act of not doing something still an action that takes energy? Geez, that sounds very Zenlike, doesn't it? (hahahaha)
it sure as heck takes energy for me!!!
When the bomb first dropped, I was paralyzed. I didn't DO anything...or make any overtures or decisions because I just couldn't figure out what the right thing was to do. then, I found DB'ing and realized that for me, a 180 is not doing something...but it can still be hard for me not to talk, do, create, buy, whatever...some action!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quoting nikatnight: "Maybe it's about creating an environment where he feels as though he can be who he really is..."
That is exactly what H says he has always missed in our M. H said that he never felt like he could be himself with me. I continue to show H he can be himself with me. I try to not be demanding, controlling or judgemental now. It seems to be working, but VERY slowly. nik
Hi Nik, Yes..it's good that your h told you, no? My h said it as "It's never felt right". I'm ASSuming but with time I've figured out that he likely means "I've never felt like I can be me".
I regret how much I tried to control/change him. it's liberating to let him be...and you know what??? Who he is is pretty darned awesome! I couldn't see that while I was so busy telling him what he SHOULD be doing, how he SHOULD be doing it, etc.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
had a great night. 1st class of Macro. I was worried about it (since I hated Micro) but the teacher is awesome. He did a great job explaining the material so I'm feeling pretty good.
H had school too but we sent some emails back and forth. Last night after we were both home he said he loved having an email conversation! Very cool.
He just called a while ago and asked me out on a date for tonight. He's got a study group at school and we're going to meet afterwards. I had told him earlier that tonight was going to be my "relaxing" night and he was worried that meeting him for drinks would be in opposition to that! DUH! (just kidding). I can't think of anything better.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I'm visiting your thread for inspiration! I like to read some of the "piecing" threads; lets me believe that I too can be here one day.
You just nailed it with this message: I don't think I've ever completely allowed my H to be himself. I always tried to control him or make excuses for him to other people when he didn't behave just as I thought they thought he should. Does that make sense? In the past few weeks I've come to realize that what matters is that you are loved the way I was and not what other people think you should be or where other people think you should be. It may be too late for us but I'm glad I FINALLY realized it regardless.
Thanks again for all your help and support. minnie
Quoting minnie1: I don't think I've ever completely allowed my H to be himself. I always tried to control him or make excuses for him to other people when he didn't behave just as I thought they thought he should. Does that make sense?
Perfect sense because I've lived it.
I honestly don't know WHY I'm able to do this now...I guess a combination of almost losing what I love (who I love) coupled with some wonderful books and meditation and my friends here on the board but...it's just so much easier to just BE and to just let him BE. It's amazing to me that I ever thought it would work another way.
Three books I would recommend to anyone interested are:
1. Love is Letting Go of Fear by Gerald G., Jampolsky 2. Men are from Mars...John Gray and 3. The four agreements -- Don Miguel Ruiz
Ah, I guess I'd add the "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman too.
I don't want to give ANYONE the impression that I'm stepford wiving my way around my house... It's more that I've realized that I can only control the stuff I'm doing. And, it's also about just not getting riled up about some of the littler stuff..oh, and a whole bunch of other things.
I figure it was a darned good lesson to learn no matter what the outcome of my m.
Sage
PS "DR" is obviously # 1 on my list and goes without saying!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks for the book recommendations. I have so much reading and posting to do! I've read the Five Languages of Love but I don't have any of the others.
All this work stuff certainly gets in the way of my personal growth.
just wanted to stop by and thank you for stopping in on my thread. as you noticed i am having a hard time with negativity these days but you helped me by asking me to come up with three positives for myself, which i did, so thank you
also - i have a question for you. can you remember 3.5 months post bomb, and how you were feeling? i was doing really well there for awhile not thinking about the affair or concentrating on the OW yet over the last two weeks i have been having dreams again and i find myself focusing on how FOOLISH they both made me feel during all the time i thought they were doing something and they talked me out of that thinking. i think i have nailed my negativity on "feeling like a fool"
i just want to cry when i think of any joy they might have gotten out of "well, we fooled her again, she believed us again" and them doing whatever affair people do. that just sickens me to the point of wanting to yack.
yup, thinking i am the fool, that is where i am right now - bringing tears.
Last night after we were both home he said he loved having an email conversation! Very cool.
He's got a study group at school and we're going to meet afterwards. I had told him earlier that tonight was going to be my "relaxing" night and he was worried that meeting him for drinks would be in opposition to that! DUH! (just kidding). I can't think of anything better.
