Shine like the star you are!

[Trying24now]

LOL Sage, that's just great, you know how we all are in the "patience" department, but I'll admit, you've got me hooked so I'll be back later to catch your post.
T2

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

Shiny made a suggestion on my thread and wonder what you think of doing that today? See, I ASKED.

[holdingon]

Sage,
Need help with a question over on my thread in MLC.
Thanks a bunch.

[sage]

Hey guys,

have been short on posting time the last day or two...will catch up over the weekend...

positives from yesterday:
1. h and I had a great date. on the way out of the restaurant he grabbed me and gave me a passionate, knee-weakening kiss!

2. h was so animated and passionate while talking about his law future! He seems so committed to finding a path in life that he LOVES!

3. as we were falling asleep...h said "if you wake up and get scared or need me in any way, wake me up and I'll keep you safe and protected". Now, all, doesn't that speak directly to my big "issue" (ok, ok, one of them!)

meeting h in town after his class tonight. I've got a C appt which is putting me in a crabby and sad mood. don't know why.

Sage

[jethro]

h said "if you wake up and get scared or need me in any way, wake me up and I'll keep you safe and protected".

Awww...

jethro

[sage]

Still don't have a lot of time to post today (maybe tomorrow? h is off to watch football with a friend, I think) but I had to report a positive that occurred last night...

I met h after his class. our goal was to find a nearby bar with drinks, food and tvs to watch our beloved BoSox trample all over the hated Yankees. We succeeded in our mission.

After we were sitting there a few minutes and h was telling me good stuff from school he looked over at me and said..."I feel completely happy. I'm like wrapped in it. I love you so much and I can feel us getting stronger every day. I love school and what I'm doing..."

OK, the woman who has wanted words from h has been blessed with them multiple times this week..the above conversation and his telling me last weekend that he wanted to be m. to me.

I'm so psyched!!!!!!!!!!

Sage

[sage]

so...I alluded earlier this week to having come up with a 180 for my FF "thingy". I was really feeling upset about this topic...the history is that a few years ago h had a ff and I ranted and raved and cried over their r. which I thought was too close for comfort. then, ow started out as a friend and I was calm and rational but still concerned.

I was so bummed thinking about this because I got mired in thinking "well, I've tried all the approaches I can think about -- first time I was active and railing against the r. and the second time I was calm and collected. what's left to do????"

well...enough thought led me to realize that the common theme in BOTH sitchs was that each time I distanced from h out of anxiety and fear that he was going to leave me for this person...or that something untoward was going on....

so, it's kind of that cycle that Michele talks about...yah, in the latter case things did get ugly but I REALLY think it's possible that my early anxiety and untrusting of h which led to anxiety which led to my distancing could make these FF even more attractive.

I'm NOT saying I'm responsible for h's affair. I'm not...not now not ever. but I DO know that trust and insecurity have been issues for me. And I do know that I distance in times of anxiety and fear.

so...my 180 is to not distance, to perhaps draw closer at these times of high anxiety and fear. In essence, it's to say "I'm terrified and instead of retreating to a safe place I'm gonna bust through that". Actions associated with that would be to continue doing fun things with h -- going out, , remaining present in conversations, not sulking or withdrawing in mood, etc. Behaviors to NOT do include sarcasm, questioning, trying to control his actions, etc. Creating stories in my head, ASSumptions, too.

Now, a sort of key to this is that I'm not suggesting smiling my way through an affair...not at all ... what I'm suggesting is that I think one of the reasons why these ffs become so important is because I panic at the first sign of h developing an outside r. and I start withdrawing. see the difference?

Sage

[nikatnight]

Sage,

I think that's great and very helpful to me too! I struggle with the same issues re: FF envy, etc.. I will try to act as if H is talking about a guy friend. I will also try not to retreat. I normally ask a lot of questions and do show my insecurity. I do FEEL though, that I have alot more to offer H, than any FF, so now H just needs time to figure that out! nik

[jennslilone]

Sage,

I was just reading your thread and I saw on one post that you said things got ugly. I'm having a dreadful experience right now. My H left three mos ago and found OW last month. He moved in with her and I just found out within the last couple of days.

Things have been very ugly since. He called me with her in the background screaming all sorts of lies he told her and he hurt me more than I care to admitt. We had to switch vehicles last night and she left a pair of perfume drenched underwear in the truck.

I know he's very angry with me right now so my goal is to back off completely and see what happens. She left her H for mine and she has a baby thats barely a year old. I think either she'll kick my H out for hers or my H will leave as soon as the lusty I'm in love w/ you beginning fades. Either way I give it about 4 mos if not less.

So far she's been everything my H detests. Pushy, vindictive, and trashy. He's finding out now.

Do you think I can work through this?

[Hud]

sage,

This is going to sound simplistic because it is - here goes - it's wrong for your H to have close FFs or you to have close MFs - it just does no good for an intimate marriage (keep in mind, I'm saying "close" friends here - i.e. ones you share intimate things with for instance). I learned this early on from both sides in my M.

And, since we dealt with it early in our M, at least that was never a problem for us. I enjoy being around my group of male friends - it's important that I have that, just as it's important that my W has her group of FFs.

What do I really need from another FF that I shouldn't be able to get from my W and my MFs? Nothing but trouble as far as I 'm concerned.

Do you have any close MFs? I'm guessing not. How would your H like it if you did? I'm guessing not very much. So, again, simplistic, but it comes down to a matter of respect IMO.

Now, that gets me to my two book recommendations:

1) "Love Life for Every Married Couple" by Ed Wheat - this one is Christian-based, and frankly, I cannot tell if that would be a problem for you, so my apologies if it would. But it provides a pretty good blueprint for what most would consider an ideal marriage (and it specifically advises against having close friends of the opposite sex). Because I know we've discussed the pros and cons of carrying around in your head the idea of what a perfect M should be, I think this book lays it out pretty well in b&w - so if you could both read it, that'd be great.

2) "Talk Your Way to an Intimate Marriage", by Donald Harvey. The title says it all, and since one of your issues is intimacy, I highly recommend this one. By the way, this guy is my personal C right now and I'm really learning a lot from him otherwise.

Well, there you have it for now. Let me know what you think if you get around to reading them (they're obviously a little off the beaten path of DR, 5LL, Road Less Traveled and so forth, so I hope you find them interesting).

Take care,

Hud