WAW New life with OM

[25yearsmlc]

PP,

GANL or GAL are mandatory for YOU, not as strategies to win her back, but to make you happy and healthy and model for your kids the kind of healthy behavior you need to demonstrate.

Just wondering what your 180's are now. Would taking a baking or cooking class be one? Even if not, if you like it, do it. But again, you have to think of what you are showing your w would be different if she were to come back and you were to reconcile. So, IOW, what would she be able to say is new and different in you?
Keep that up. And be patient. It takes much longer than you might realize but the good news is that OM will screw up eventually. Has to, he's no perfect guy. If he were, he wouldn't be with a woman who left her h and kids for him...

Sounds crispy and black and white of me to say it that way, but I'm a mom and I can tell you there's no way I'd leave my kids for any man. You have not said she's evil or psycho, so I'm going to assume her maternal feelings will kick in fully (I know she's around...but not exactly how crazy the kids are about this new sitch) And no mother is unmoved by the loving interaction of the father of her children with those children; in other words, she'll notice your play time with them. You and the kids spending
good times together is something that you need to do anyhow. She'll notice...
A lot more than you realize. She may even think at first that it's a GOOD thing she left cuz now you "get it"...but that will pass. She will want in on the family fun time, and will realize in time, that she cannot simply take a family photo and erase your face and put new OM in your place. Life is more complex and these things are messier than the WAS realizes in their fog. The kids and reality won't let that happen...that's when the cost of her choices will begin to catch up.

You have to be careful not to be punitive to her IF you want a reconciliation. If not, do or say what you want as long as you don't cast aspersions on the mother of your children to those children. DON"T BAD MOUTH HER TO THEM b/c it hurts you legally, maritally, and sometimes with custody. Demonstrate for your children how a man handles a blow like this, with strength and dignity.

AND IF IF IF you actually want the restoration of your m, you'll have to ask yourself each time you want to say or do something, why you are doing what you are doing. What is your goal and how will that action move you in relation to the goal? Closer to it or farther? For instance, if your short term goal is to "teach her a lesson" then it's punitive and that won't work for the restoration of your M...so your long term goal will be hurt, and besides, it's not loving. You will have to forgive her no matter what happens in the M, b/c forgiving frees YOU up to live your life well. You never have to tell her any of this; it's about you and how you live your life. Not about "letting her off the hook"...but moving forward for YOU. No one can move forward if they're encumbered with the baggage of their bleeding wounds festering. ((People who don't forgive, or learn to let go, well-- They'll often become bitter people who lose friends and family members and who, ironically, end up being the bad guy.))

So I always remind myself of what my DB coach said (Get a session with a DB coach if you possibly can, b/c they'll know your sitch and their advice will be clarifying for you; which is key...best investment I made in this whole crazy sitch).

She said, KEEP THE ROAD HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH...so don't make it harder for her to come home, than it already will be. The more people who know of the OM the harder it will be for her to overcome their judgement. IF she feels defensive, She will want to justify her actions by staying with OM longer than she would otherwise. NOT saying that you should lie to protect her. Just saying that IF you want to restore the M...then the fewer people who know the details, the smoother the road home.


..and "Do not be the one to show your WAS the consequences of his/her actions b/c Life will do that for them; it's not your job as a spouse to 'teach them a lesson' or decide what they 'deserve'..." IF you want to restore your M. DB coach also said, to "lose the anger" in front of the WAS b/c anger will fuel her justifications for leaving ("Oh h has got a temper, is so negative", etc). In your sitch, the fact she said you have no passion is interesting to note.

Is it true? did you both become complacent in the M? It happens and it's insidious. You can own it if true, but be sure to follow that insight (or any other ones) with some comment like "I'd do things differently if I had the chance" IF IT IS TRUE FOR YOU....if not, don't lie. That's a tactic. We are talking about real change in you; not strategies for winning her back b/c then you'll revert to the old ways once she starts to trust you, and you'll break her trust and set your chance of reconciliation way back. Don't promise what you won't deliver if you do get a chance to restore the M. And actions of course speak much louder than words and right now you are not in a pursuit mode. You are in the GAL mode; but among your "new life" is the fact that you'll pursue passionate things in your life b/c you ARE A PASSIONATE MAN...so, think of whatever 180's you can that would go to this issue. Dance lessons?

How long have you been Married and are there physical things you can do to change your appearance or exercise more?
I only ask since they're easily noticed changes and you can act as if they have nothing to do with her...just things you realize you DO want to change and so, you did.

And at some point, even though you won't be able to make sense of her choices, so don't spend a ton of time and energy on that.....but yes you do have to ask yourself about what role you did play in this. WE ALL HAVE TO DO THIS so don't feel "blamed"...just noting we all want to reduce the chance of this happening again. WIth them as our spouse, or someone else...so we all have to do some serious internal analysis. It protects US...make sense?

Hope this helps. Good luck,
(( j ))

[runningoutoftime]

Wow 25yrs! You are amazing!!! You have excellent advice here.

All I can think of adding is to use this time with your W away to grow and heal. Try to rediscover yourself and take the time to bond with your kids, and help them learn how to work through a difficult time. Even though this is definitely a painful roller coaster ride, there will also be good things. There are always silver linings. Look for them and make the most of them.

Think of W as someone suddenly insane (like some crazy insane person you might see on a bus). From what I've observed MLC really is a type of insanity. There's changing hormones, kids growing older, a desire to do something crazy and feel like a 16-year-old again, etc... It's a really weird time. So try not to take this too personal. I know you have been questioning if this is MLC, but the fact she did leave the kids, and moved-in quickly with someone she barely knows, that would indicate to me a HUGE liklihood that this is MLC. But don't worry yourself or question this whole thing. Just focus on you and your boys for now.

[ppenton]

That's my plan to be an even better father and person! She is acting like a college kid parting and what not. So, its my opportunity to grow with these great kids and find myself again. I will keep the road smooth and if she wants to come back we can discuss at that time.

[ppenton]

My parents are retired and hit pretty hard by this as well cause my W told them all the time that they did not have to worry about our M cause W and I would always work on it. But something happened, so anyway, my mom has been helping me clean and rearrange each room in the house. W was not a very good housekeeper, which I didn't mind, as I liked to cook, do the laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, etc...I'm not very good at cleaning either. But now that W is out I have stepped it up and been re-organizing and removing the clutter. The kids have been helping too as they want to change their room around. The house looks much better already and we are only half way done. W has noticed and told me the house looks nice.

About exercise, I have been a member of the YMCA for about 20 years and try to get there 4-5 times a week, which I slacked off recently but have been walking outside. Will get back to the weights soon.

Thanks, 25yearsmlc, you have some great advice and I'm not one to spread my business around and have not told many people inside our circle of friends what is happening, only that W and I are separated, which is what we agreed on.

I need to go back to the 180s and determine what I need to do for myself. I know I want to be a better father and to exert more confidence and be assertive as I was usually behind my wife cause she is so outgoing. I know this will help me at my job!

[ppenton]

My W just asked if I might consider transferring a SMALL amount of cash into her account to help me get through to the end of the month? Not sure what to do as she is living with OM....

[gucci loafer]

My W just asked if I might consider transferring a SMALL amount of cash into her account to help me get through to the end of the month? Not sure what to do as she is living with OM....

Here is your answer......

"Sorry, can't help you, but thanks for asking"

You do not want to finance an affair... No no no.... Do not finance an affair... If she needs money, let her ask the OM to help her...

Get some backbone and stand strong and tall. You will get nowhere until you get her to respect you. You will get her to respect you when you stand strong and tall and let her see that you believe that she has just lost the best thing that ever happened to her..... Get some attitude.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Absolutely correct, Gucci. This one isn't even difficult.

NEXT!!!

Puppy

[ppenton]

I was just verifing, thanks!

[lemonsnap]

Gucci, you and Puppy make me smile.
You're right on!

Stand strong, ppenton - firmly and politely refusing is the best. She needs to go through some hard times and struggles - even financial. Maybe it will help her realize the stability she left behind.

Or maybe not. But it will certainly make you stronger to say no.

[gucci loafer]

Absolutely correct, Gucci. This one isn't even difficult.

NEXT!!!

Good one Puppy....