Wife left tonight

[ppenton]

Hello, my first time posting. My wife left me and our kids tonight and moved out. She told me about a month ago she met someone and is in love with him and not me. I was blind-sided as she told me up until last month how happy she was in our marriage. We have been to counseling together and separate and she still wants out of the house. No talk about divorcing yet and I'd like to work on getting her back. Have found the Divorce Busting book at the library and started reading it yesterday. Not sure what to do next, any ideas?

[Virtually_Handsome]

Keep reading. Don't beg, plead, etc. For now, little or no contact is probably good, while you figure things out. Post a bit more info about your situation, ages, kids, marriage length, etc. There will be others coming to help!

[Tostada]

I'd totally leave her alone. She's confused. You have a family and a home. She will come sniffing around. Hardest thing you will ever have to do is just leave her alone. I'm sure she knows how you feel. Read the book, follow it. seriously follow it. Use this site to screen your thoughts, actions, responses. Hang tough. I thought the world would end, but it won't. Be the best dad you can to your kids. She will see that. Do activities with them, go places with them. They will make you feel better, but your wife will begin to see what she's missing because she will never have that with this joker.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Also, try to understand how you got here. Even a surprise usually isn't if you look back on it.

[ppenton]

Wow, I'm so surprised I got responses already! Thanks. We met in 1986 and married in 1992 and have teenage 2 sons. I'm about 80 or so pages into the book and am still learning about this whole ordeal. When she first told me I did beg her to stay which she did for a month but she was still seeing OM. I have stopped texting and calling her at all hours of the day and night as I thought that would drive her crazy and further away. She met OM in October, which is not unusual for her to meet and make friends with male/females as she is very out going and makes friends easily. I was not concerned about this person until I noticed many text messages between them and I confronted W on Dec 1 and she apologized and said she would stop contact with him. She then started therapy on her own on Dec 2, and we talked and she told me everything was fine and she didn't want to leave me. So, I believed her and since I didn't see any calls/texts between them I thought it was over and everything was ok. However, when she told me on Dec 27 that she started sleeping with him I was shocked and she revealed she had a disposable phone and that's how they were communicating. One of her issues is she is depressed and I helped her get to a psychiatrist and adjust her medication. I wrongly thought that would help us, instead it helped her and OM. Its going to be hard to avoid her as she still wants to be involved with the kids, in taking them to school and bringing them home, so I see her in the morning when I'm getting ready for work. Speaking of work have not been able to concentrate much as all I think about is her and how to get her back.

[ppenton]

also, I do love her very much and we have been best friends since we met. Part of me really wants her to be happy as she is a great mother and I want her to continue to be the best mom she can be.

[ms ladybug]

Her happiness is not within your control. If she is truly happy, she will find it in herself.

Because her relationship with this OM is still fairly new, she is still in the honeymoon phases. Everything about him is bright and shiny right now. But, as you stated, you've been best friends since you met. He doesn't have the history with her or the family. Part of all the newness of relationships is that they have no expectations of the other person (in other words...no responsibilites). This cannot and won't last for long.

You HAVE to leave her alone right now as contrary as it is to every cell in your body. Spend time with your kids, be the responsible dad, and get a life (do something different for yourself, start working out, taking fun classes, jogging, wine tasting, something so that she can see that regardless of what she is doing, your life goes on). It will feel fake for a while, but do it anyway. She'll notice, and you'll feel better.

Keep posting here. There's a lot of great advice.

[ppenton]

Well, I called a friend and we are going out for a beer as I already fed the kids and helped them with their homework. I told my buddy that I just want some quiet time and watch sports without talking about W or R. We have been friends since 1st grade.
Its going to be very difficult to leave W alone but I understand I just need to keep strong! I'm sure it will not be easy. I plan on getting back to the YMCA next week, haven't worked out since the bomb dropped. This site is a God send and has helped me so much the past 2 days!!

[cat03]

glad to hear you are GAL, you must.

I'll repeat that VHandsome said, have you seen what has gotten you here? it took my then H leaving the home to see what kind of W I was, I saw things for the first time and it wasn't pretty.
I did try to do my best of course, but in my ignorance I put him in the back burner and didnt' give him the respect/attention he wanted/deserved. Look back and see where you went wrong, not to beat yourself but to learn from past mistakes.

You are doing well, do give her time. You dont' need to avoid her when she comes over, as the cliche says, BE yourself, no games, no longing looks, just try your darnest to just be.

This is a long road so lots of patience is needed.

[ppenton]

Yes, I usually have good patience but this is a real test.

One thing I do know is we were living in the status quo which worked for so long that I don't think either of us noticed it was harming our M until this new person came along. She spent free time either lying in bed or going out with friends and I was home with the kids and just doing my own things. I'm starting to realize that even though she was home and seemed happy I should have paid more attention to her. She never nagged or complained to me or invited me out. However, I should have invited her out at times or just ask her if I could come along. Like I said we did this for years and everything always seemed fine and working. I'm still trying to think if there was any change in her that I should have seen.
I am surprised how quickly she wants to throw away our R after so many yrs together for a brand new R. I guess I'm still learning...thx