I hate this part...GOALS! Yuck. Okay I revised and they are pretty simple but hopefully attainable. Here goes:
Goals for the M: 1. I want H to be home by our anniversary (OK it's a BIG goal but I'm hoping...besides, thats 6 months away! 2. I want to be able to say "I believe you" and mean it. 3. I want him to be comfortable around me, not stressed.
Goals for me, personally: 1. I will attend counseling for my self esteem/trust issues. 2. I will get out more instead of hiding at home. 3. I will work on detachment.
I am not real good at goal-setting but that is the basics of what I'm aiming for.
I am not real good at goal-setting but that is the basics of what I'm aiming for.
You're doing just fine, snl! The real tricky part can be breaking goals down into small enough pieces, and figuring out what actions you can take to get there! Also, it REALLY helps to make sure that you have something that you can see results on within a week or two, such as......
3. I want him to be comfortable around me, not stressed.
What things can you do to help him feel more comfortable and less stressed around you? Taking what you know about how to make him uncomfortable, and how to stress him out (it seems like we are ALL experts on how to do this with our partners! ), what could you do that might have the opposite affect on him?
What will be some of the first signs that you will see when this begins to happen? How will you know when what you're doing is working? More phone calls, longer visits, more intimacy, etc.?
JJ
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Quote: What things can you do to help him feel more comfortable and less stressed around you? Taking what you know about how to make him uncomfortable, and how to stress him out (it seems like we are ALL experts on how to do this with our partners! ), what could you do that might have the opposite affect on him?
What will be some of the first signs that you will see when this begins to happen? How will you know when what you're doing is working? More phone calls, longer visits, more intimacy, etc.?
Well JJ,
He mainly stressed out because I have big issues with mistrusting him and even when I wouldn't be acting on it, he would assume I would act the same way. Vicious cycle! We both ended up being sooo stressed out wondering if one or the other was going to open a can of worms. The tension was unreal before he left! And I admit to crawling back to my old ways...feeling him slip away and I clung tighter.
When he feels more comfy with me, I expect him to come over more and to actually enjoy my company again. Yesterday he "accidentally" gave me a kiss, which I see as him being comfy in that he acted like a H to his W. But it freaked him out so I don't think I'll see him anytime soon. It wasn't an "in the heat of passion" kiss...just a sweet and quick peck.
I feel like that is a major thing to have him feel relaxed and at ease with me. When I "act as if" and I'm a little bit detached from him, I get better results. I just gotta keep on keeping on.
What can I do when he starts assuming I will act the way I used to? Should I just be consistant in my efforts? I can't change his mind that I won't do the same thing especially when I did before he left! I get scared when he tenses up and I backslide into the "more of the same" behavior. This will definately be a difficult one for me to learn. I can't make the past mistakes again.
I have my work cut out for me, I think. Wish me luck.
He mainly stressed out because I have big issues with mistrusting him and even when I wouldn't be acting on it, he would assume I would act the same way.
What are some of the areas where you do trust him? What things are you confident about him pulling through on? How are you acting then? What are you doing differently?
Trust is a very tough issue. In the beginning, it might be something that comes automatically, but once it's lost, it seems pretty tough to regain. How can you start to rebuild this trust? What little things can he do right now, what little things IS he doing, that might help rebuild that foundation of trust in your eyes? What could he do that would help you to give him the benefit of the doubt?
What do you think that "trust" means to him? In his eyes, what would you be doing to show him that, even though you don't always "trust" him, you're going to give him the benefit of the doubt?
What can I do when he starts assuming I will act the way I used to? Should I just be consistant in my efforts?
I think so. Consistency is key in making your changes real.
Also, don't forget that even though DB'ing is very "action-oriented", communication is a VERY strong form of action. "Talking" about things sometimes is quite alright, especially if "mind-reading" is some of your "more of the same" behavior. It doesn't have to be deep, it doesn't have to be heavy, and probably shouldn't be, especially at first.
Whenever you feel yourself slipping back into old patterns, the key is to change the dance steps, anyway you can, at any point during the song. Sometimes, even changing what room you're in, changing from a standing up position to sitting down, etc., etc., might be enough to do the trick!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quote: What are some of the areas where you do trust him? What things are you confident about him pulling through on? How are you acting then? What are you doing differently?
I have gained quite a bit of trust back in him, actually. Enough to relax and let him enjoy time away from me without constantly checking up on him, calling, spying, etc. That is a HUGE step for me. I was rather manic in the past which is why he left the first time. I think I acted alot more at ease.
Quote:
Trust is a very tough issue. In the beginning, it might be something that comes automatically, but once it's lost, it seems pretty tough to regain. How can you start to rebuild this trust? What little things can he do right now, what little things IS he doing, that might help rebuild that foundation of trust in your eyes? What could he do that would help you to give him the benefit of the doubt?
I am going to C to help me with regaining the trust I lost. I realize I could use some help, though DB techniques have helped me up to this point.
H is real good about telling me his whereabouts and that he doesn't want anyone else. That eases my mind ALOT. Not completely because I still wonder if he will find my "replacement". He makes me more confident when I see these baby steps he makes.
Problem is...if I blink wrong, he thinks I am doubting him. Very seldom is he right! I have worked hard on this!
Quote:
What do you think that "trust" means to him? In his eyes, what would you be doing to show him that, even though you don't always "trust" him, you're going to give him the benefit of the doubt?
Gosh JJ, that is what I am trying to figure out. I try telling him but he thinks I am just denying it. On the occasion my trust slips, I try to talk it out reasonably but he sees it as an attack and the battle is on. It's a lost cause after that!
That's the main reason our R went downhill. He has his own trust issues with me. Even when I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, he thinks I am lying and playing games with him. Do you see any hope for me with this issue? I will do anything it takes to fix my problems...wish I could fix his too.
What parts of your relationship do you want more of? Being intimate and spending quality time together.
What are the times in your marriage that you'd like to "re-create"? When my H asked me to go with him and spend time together. I also enjoyed our vacations together, there were no pressures, having fun was a priority!
What are some new things that you'd like to see happen? Show affection in public and go out on dates.
"When my spouse stops doing ___________, what will s/he be doing?"
When my spouse stops doing things for the OW, he will be spending more time with our making our R work.
Goal setting rule #2- "Think Action" 1) Being friendly with each other (accomplished this one) 2) Giving each other hugs (were doing this now we are not, I usaully initiated this most of the time, when I quit he doesn't seem to want to now) should I let him be the leader or should I? 3)friendly kissing (same as above, he kissed me a few times, once I asked for a kiss and he gave me one, buut now?, nothing) I don't know what happened!? I seem to be going backward by letting him take the lead always. 4)teasing and being playful (this has happened a few times and both of us has initiated it) 5)calling me 6)compliment me 7)my H ask how I am (he use to) 8)bring some of his stuff home 9)spending time together 10)enjoying hobbies together-fishing, golfing, ect. 11)spend the day with me 12)say ILY 13)stay overnight 14)be intimate I must be doing something wrong because I was seeing baby steps and now my H has withdrawn As soon as I don't initiate then he backs off.? If I show him I care by a hug, touching, compliments I seem to get more back. When I do nothing, I get nothing
Quote: I must be doing something wrong because I was seeing baby steps and now my H has withdrawn As soon as I don't initiate then he backs off.? If I show him I care by a hug, touching, compliments I seem to get more back. When I do nothing, I get nothing
It might just be time to experiment with the initiating again. Just to see what happens.
"What works" can be different in each couple's situation. I would suggest trying the hugs, touching, and compliments again, since it seemed to be working before!
Pay close attention to see if there are times, places, or circumstances that work better than others for you.
Also, watch carefully for the times that HE does the initiating, and make sure you "catch him doing it right"! Maybe he'll begin to repeat those performances!
JJ
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JJ, Done a little thinking all day and I'm going to try and keep a solution journal again. After writing things done I have not being seeing the trees for the forest! I think when my H withdraws , he is probably feeling guilty. I'm back on track thanks to the DR book and things look more hopeful now! Need to push the positive buttons! Thanks! Deb
), what could you do that might have the opposite affect on him?
As soon as I don't initiate then he backs off.? If I show him I care by a hug, touching, compliments I seem to get more back. When I do nothing, I get nothing