Quote: If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it everytime."
With this step, we begin to look at how to turn your "visions" of your relationship into reality by taking action!
As Michele says, Don't skip this step!" This is your road map for the rest of the program, and will help to keep you focused on where you're going, and help give you signs that you really are heading in the right direction!
First off, list 2 or 3 things you are hoping to change or improve about your marriage. The questions below might help you figure this out!
Goal Setting Rule #1 -
"Think about what you want, not what's missing"
Instead of concentrating on what you don't like about your marriage, take some time to concentrate on how you would like your marriage to be.
What parts of your relationship do you want more of?
What are the times in your marriage that you'd like to "re-create"?
What are some new things that you'd like to see happen?
"When my spouse stops doing ___________, what will s/he be doing?"
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Instead of concentrating on what you don't like about your marriage, take some time to concentrate on how you would like your marriage to be.
What parts of your relationship do you want more of? defined time that is set asside each week for us...not just winging it and hoping we get a chance to spend time together
What are the times in your marriage that you'd like to "re-create"? hard to define, probably somewhere in the middle but I will admit that I really liked the guy who first came home, then he was attentive, called alot, initiated physical intimacy alot, called and said things like "I'm enjoying the time we're spending together and find myself wanting to run for more" he also was more compationate and empathetic more sorry for what he put me through in having his a and leaving, spent more qt with me. I feel like I got jipped, like that was all just an act to convince me he really wanted to come home...but it seems he's resorted back to the same man that left...one that honestly I wasn't so sure I was dissapointed about leaving but more that I was dissapointed in his just giving up instead of making a real attempt at making things better.
What are some new things that you'd like to see happen? h to initiate outings more (perhaps surprise me with a sitter and say "hey my mom will watch the kids tonight let's go see what's playing at the drive in" and yes I have stated this is something I'd like from him...actually when he first started to come home and we were talking about our r I clearly stated this...his response...."that's just not me". I would like for h to start saying ily, I would like for h to initiate physical intimacy more, h to want to do a bit more than just sit on the couch watching tv, perhaps play a game of cards or darts one night a week.
"When my spouse stops doing ___________, what will s/he be doing?" when he stops working so damn much outside and at our home, he will (in my dreams but not in reality) find more time to spend with the family and seperate time for us.
Goal Setting....that's something I'm having difficulty with. My goals are like a moving target. I'm sure I fit into the "If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it everytime." catagory.
But what the heck, I'll try it:
"Think about what you want, not what's missing"
I definitely want MORE Time with my H. I know that with every "date" I walk away a little more content with how we're reconnecting. And I know for sure after careful review of my M and the issues that built my resentment towards my H over the years was his failure to see my need for quality time with him. So I definitely need MORE time, enjoying his company.
What are the times in your marriage that you'd like to "re-create"? The times when we were more affectionate, when we looked into each other's eyes and SAW the love without having to say the words. I'd like to re-create that sense of comfort in our safety to love each other again.
What are some new things that you'd like to see happen? I'd like to "see" (actually HEAR) my H express his remorse, his finally truly understanding the trauma he caused and his commitment to do anything and everything necessary to make me feel safe that he'll never choose that road again.
When my spouse stops doing ___________, what will s/he be doing When my spouse stops doing his avoidance routine of refusing to deal with or truly look into the the real issues that HE felt led him down that dark road to betrayal , he will be initiating R talks, telling me how he feels (with WORDS), telling me what his needs are (with WORDS) and letting me know when his needs aren't being met. So that he can't turn them around on me and again justify his destructive behavior. T2
ok, just got thru reading the second step. i see that goals are something i really must work on. i am gonna take this one step (goal) at a time because i am so new at this, i want some advice as to if i am on the right track.
Quote: Goal Setting Rule #1 -
"Think about what you want, not what's missing"
Instead of concentrating on what you don't like about your marriage, take some time to concentrate on how you would like your marriage to be.
What parts of your relationship do you want more of?
i want intimacy - not more because it's non existent right now - i would like to be able to initiate sex in the future but right now i am happy with if we just have it.
what does intimacy include? well right now, in the last week or so, i have been getting "cuddles" in bed. this is something that has not happened for a very very long time (like maybe since the first year of marriage) - that to me is a huge step. right now i feel like "sex" is the beginning of our healing process. i know that isn't true, but i feel that way and so i need to work on it. my goal would be to have sex before the 6th month anniversary of d-day. that date would be november 22, 2003.
i want intimacy - not more because it's non existent right now - i would like to be able to initiate sex in the future but right now i am happy with if we just have it.
Quote:
This is a good beginning. It's positively state, so that's good. It's big though. There are probably a few things that would have to come before this. What are they? What steps would come before phyical intimacy? We can work backwards.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
SAme for you...what would have to come before he initiated an outing?
Quote:
I will admit that I really liked the guy who first came home, then he was attentive, called alot, initiated physical intimacy alot, called and said things like "I'm enjoying the time we're spending together and find myself wanting to run for more" he also was more compationate and empathetic more sorry for what he put me through in having his a and leaving, spent more qt with me.
Quote:
What were you saying and doing before you received those kinds of behaviors? If you woke up tomorrow and he did those things....what would YOU be saying and doing?
Give it a try tomorrow.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I'd like to "see" (actually HEAR) my H express his remorse, his finally truly understanding the trauma he caused and his commitment to do anything and everything necessary to make me feel safe that he'll never choose that road again.
Quote:
What would it take for you to feel that safe? What will be enough?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
What were you saying and doing before you received those kinds of behaviors? If you woke up tomorrow and he did those things....what would YOU be saying and doing?
what was I saying and doing before recieving those behaviours? I was leaving the house as soon as he got here for his "visit" with the kids...I was not bothering to answer the phone when he'd call...I was acting as if I didn't care anymore...is that the way I should be now that he has been home for almost a year? if so then forget it that's not a marriage.
Quoting sgctxok: Let me put it this way....what are you really saying and doing now?
what am I saying? letting h know that I would like for him to say ily...did he hear me? unless he's deaf, he heard me loud and clear...has he said it? NOPE.
I have asked that we set asside at least one night a week that is for "us" either we get a sitter and go out or have the kids in bed by 8 and have a "date" at home...say in the basement playing darts or cards or something other than sitting on the couch watching foxnews...has he heard me? have I used such clear words as I have here? have I not discussed it in c? YUP! what was h's response? I can't commit to that because I don't know what my day or week is going to be like and therefore don't want to say I'll do something and then get crap for not doing it. does that work? NO becuase it leaves us doing nothing but wathcing tv and it also doesn't let me know what to expect? when will we be spending time together. I'd like to know that say wed night we play cards and sat night we either go out or rent a movie or hang in the basement playing darts. that way the rest of the week I can do my own thing and not wonder gee is this the night that h will want to spend time with me? I have clearly stated to h that physical touch is also one of my love lanugages...he has clearly understood this...understands the concept of filling eachothers love tanks..it all makes sense to him (his words) and yet I can't recall the last time I was hugged just for the sake of being hugged at his intiation.
