A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.
Page 1 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6 >
Topic Options
#1617507 - 10/10/08 05:45 PM Tips on sexy ideas?
Lifeline Offline
Member

Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 47
I know people have expressed their concerns over some of my recent postings and I appreciate everything! I hope this post doesn't offend anyone, especially those who have been betrayed. If so, I am very sorry and didn't intend that!
Things are going better with me and my BH. We both know now, based on recent communications (that some of you were privy too) what we both can and cannot do in order to reconcile.
It was very hard for me to put my foot down on a couple of (sexual) things he thought he needed in order to move forward with R, but I think he realized me not putting my foot down in the past is one reason I had the A. I couldn't put my foot down and tell this OM that I didn't want to do something.
Anyway, my husband's language is sex -- he is a very sexual person. I've never been very sexual (except with OM which is another thing I'm trying to figure out.)
So I need to do for my BH what came so easily for the OM -- not exactly, meaning if I did XYZ for OM, I'm not expected to do XYZ for my BH.
But I do need to loosen up sexually with my H and I need to start initiating more.
My question is, other than initiating full-on sex every day, what else can I do throughout the day or week to show him sexual desire, appreciation or validation?
I don't want this to become a "I need to ML to him X times a day" or go to bed thinking, "Damn, I didn't initiate today but I am exhausted -- what should I do?"
Any suggestions on becoming more sexual without having sex all the time? We both work full-time and have children so that just isn't realistic!
Thank you!
LL

Top
#1617512 - 10/10/08 05:54 PM Re: Tips on sexy ideas? [Re: Lifeline]
DanceQueen Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/08
Posts: 1566
Hi LL...thanks for re-posting over here.

I hope some of the guys over here can give you some good ideas of how they would love their own wives to show sexual attention.

I still think (based on your story) that you have a lot of inner work to do, to figure out why you had an A. I think as you keep getting deeper into yourself, you will eventually discover "why".

I have been through the same (or at least similar), in that when I was married, I never wanted to have sex with my H but I did end up being unfaithful. Digging deeply into "why" I was open to OM's but not my husband was a long, sad process. I'm finally past all of that and with a new partner, and we have a stellar sex life.

So first of all I would keep encouraging you to stay in IC and discuss your sexuality a LOT until you really understand it yourself.

Second of all...one of the very important things I found out about myself is that I need some, um, not sure how to put it but...I need some rough play. I need to be slammed up against a wall and kissed passionately, on a regular basis. I need to be able to wrestle with my man, using all my strength, until finally he holds me down and just takes me. I need to occasionally be put in a submissive position in the bedroom...which I thoroughly enjoy.

Now...the above playing I am describing is something that takes a couple a lot of work, time, and understanding to achieve. I'm pretty sure you and your H are not quite ready for that type of play...but I would ask you: after reading that above paragraph, do the things I describe sound like some sexy fun stuff to you? Or does it sound like "nah, not my thing"?

Based on your answer, I can give you some suggestions.

DQ

Top
#1617521 - 10/10/08 06:02 PM Re: Tips on sexy ideas? [Re: DanceQueen]
Lifeline Offline
Member

Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 47
It does sound like fun, and like something we've enjoyed together before.
I'm still working on the IC (and so is he thank goodness! He had an appt today that he said, earlier this week, he was going to cancel. I just said, "I hope you don't" and let it be. He ended up going today and I told him I was very happy he went. And again, left it at that) -- but I'm digressing! Yes, I will still work with IC and know I need to get to the core of my issues.
In the meantime, my H is giving me a chance to work on getting us to a place where we can consider reconciliation!

His issue is that he doesn't feel he should have to tell me what he needs since we've been married for 15 years. He is very upset that the OM didn't have to tell me what he needed, I just knew.
I so get what he is saying -- I really do. It's complicated though, the OM was SO simple, it really wasn't hard to figure out what he needed. But I understand my H's point.

I don't want to mess this up so all ideas are welcome!
Thank you!
LL

Top
#1617531 - 10/10/08 06:08 PM Re: Tips on sexy ideas? [Re: Lifeline]
DanceQueen Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/08
Posts: 1566
Well then...give me a list of things you think that your husband likes...try to start that way...he apparently wants you to think about these things and the things that are specific to your husband's tastes are something that will be helpful...

For instance:

Is he a boob man? Or an ass man?

Does he love it when you wear purfume, or does it make him sneeze? Does he prefer a clean face, or some make up, or lots of make up?

What type of porn does he watch (or in the past), or do you even know?

These are some simple ideas...please answer these and then tell us any others you can think of about things he likes sexually and romantically. You do not have to provide "too many" details beyond your comfort level, we'll "get it" from just the hints if you prefer not to divulge too much.

DQ

Top
#1617555 - 10/10/08 06:38 PM Re: Tips on sexy ideas? [Re: DanceQueen]
Babygirl Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/08
Posts: 2991
Loc: out in the boonies of kansas
hey DQ lol, great way of stating what ya like up there in your first post lol. I love that stuff too, and actually I love this post LL, H said he had to be the iniatier not sure when that happened, I know it did, but I am trying to get my spice back also!! this is a great thread imho!
_________________________
M 36
XH 34
3 children
If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25
"your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight
ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010


Top
#1617618 - 10/10/08 08:04 PM Re: Tips on sexy ideas? [Re: Babygirl]
Lifeline Offline
Member

Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 47
Well, he is definitely a boob man (which is why he bought me some \:\) LOL -- seriously, and I love them too!)
He is much more risky than I am. We both enjoy porn but my major problem is, I can enjoy watching certain things (woman on woman) but I don't want to do it in real life.
And that's my hang up -- letting fantasies be known and trusting that I won't be pushed to act upon them. It's been a problem with us.
But again, back on track. He likes:
anal play -- that's fine with me
threesome viewing -- I can watch but can't consider doing
he would love for me to go to a strip club and have a lap dance -- I'm considering this. Kind of a compromise. I don't want a threesome but I can see myself getting a lap dance. He can take the visual and run with it in his mind.
Role playing, dress up.
Pretty much the sky is the limit with him -- seriously. I can't think of anything he wouldn't enjoy.
I guess I shouldn't have a hard time thinking of things to do but I still do.
I really can't see myself ML with him every day until I build up some love credit. I'm so worried if I miss a day or two, or only give him some massages or nice words, but no actual ML, that I will have failed in some way.

Top
#1617628 - 10/10/08 08:15 PM Re: Tips on sexy ideas? [Re: Lifeline]
Lifeline Offline
Member

Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 47
I just reread this and wanted to clarify.
It's not that I can't see myself ML with him every day.
It's that with us both working full-time with two children, there are just some days where I feel it might not happen and I'm terrified he will think, "See, OM got it every day, but I'm not good enough." Which he has thought sometimes in different situations, i.e. OM came first again.
\:\(

Top
#1617630 - 10/10/08 08:16 PM Re: Tips on sexy ideas? [Re: Lifeline]
Babygirl Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/08
Posts: 2991
Loc: out in the boonies of kansas
oh i am so jealous you got boobies! sigh I am the president of the little bitty titty committee! H said it wasnt a big deal, but now thinking back on it, his last 2 A had fake boobs! hmmm get to that with myself later.

you know what I did a few months ago that went over VERY well? dressed up in sexy panties and bra, put my chaps on, and took my pic with the webcam, and sent it to him at work!!! of course titled it dont open unless alone lol, but he LOVED it! the OW may be an ex stripper, but hey that day she held nothing over me lol!!

I appreciate you starting this thread, as you are helping me, also, even tho he was the one who had the A, you give me some insight into things, and how just maybe he thinks sometimes!
_________________________
M 36
XH 34
3 children
If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25
"your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight
ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010


Top
#1617647 - 10/10/08 08:29 PM Re: Tips on sexy ideas? [Re: Babygirl]
Lifeline Offline
Member

Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 47
Thanks Babygirl! I'm glad we can all help each other out regardless of what brought us here.
Have a great weekend -- I'll keep brainstorming ideas and post them here.
Hope everyone else can do the same!
LL

Top
#1617654 - 10/10/08 08:36 PM Re: Tips on sexy ideas? [Re: Lifeline]
CharlieBrown Offline
Member

Registered: 11/15/07
Posts: 580
Loc: WI
Wow, as a HD H, I would have a cardiac arrest if my wife followed this list (that is how I would like to die when it is my time, I might add). A few additions:

1. BJs, especially if you are good at them.
2. Trojan and Durex have vibrating cock rings that are about $8. They are really fun to add to #2 and for ML.
3. Nothing hotter to me than seeing a good looking woman dressed up in business attire...maybe it is the high heels and skirts.
4. I really like getting kissed by my wife, especially before going to work and really hate "getting the cheek."

Overall, I think part of the key is to stay creative and "build the bank" as you mentioned so that on off days he has nothing to complain about and he knows you are not backsliding into your old habits. Also, start getting the kids to bed earlier.

Lastly, if you know you are going to be busy with work or otherwise unable to do anything that night, I appreciate it when my wife tells me that during the day but adds something about making up for it the next night. The key is the part about making up for it the next night and then doing it (which my wife sucks at, hence my screen name).

Good luck!

CB
_________________________
Me; 42, W; 43
M; 16 yrs
S12, D9

3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure"
5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"

Top
Page 1 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6 >


Moderator:  Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004