Jeff, you say you can't get your outer game until you have your inner game. That's how you feel and I respect that.
What I offer is for you to make some baby steps and start with your outer game. Getting involved with something may just be a bandaid at first and avoiding dealing with your inner issues. BUT, it may also be just what you need to start getting some feelings of security and esteem about yourself. Get involved, do a good job, get WOA from people.
If you make a list of what you have changed in your life from the beginning of this year to now, how long would your list be?
Jeff, have you ever been spontaneous?
A plan is good, but don't spend all your time thinking about how to make a plan. Just do it.
(((Jeff))) BTW, glad you're not running around in loin cloths with a club in your hand looking for your manhood.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Jeff...3 Christmas' in a row to be down is....not good. Ya know something, for the first time..this year...I found myself 'enjoying' walking thru the mall and window shopping. Dunno...guess it was the feeling of survival.
Do what Cunningham says. We need to drop the DB anagrams...or..whatever...the STBXW, W, GAL, DB, OM, PA.....crap...etc...and move on. They are writing 'tattoos' that are negative reminders.
I'm starting to side a bit with WCW. As I move thru this, the 'man' thing gets a bit ...hmmmm....?cliche? ?misogynistic? ..not sure. I know what you mean and quoted the same stuff.
I think it comes down to, still, the detachment as described by Gray. Realizing that XXX is NOT the only person who will love and respect you ..will lift you and allow you to see out the right person that WILL. Start working towards getting your 'invincible summer' in the middle of winter.
Jeff.....remember Shawhank. "Get busy living or get busy dying." DON'T DO THE LATTER.
Start Jeff. January 2nd. Start. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Alpha male <smirk> talk applies to only one guy here, and that's cause he needs it, because he thinks he needs it. Its a crutch. It's not about being a cave man, its about not being a floral doormat.
Good advice for Jeff though, all around.
Live for you, cause no oen else will, and you cannot live for someone else.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Geez, back five minutes and already I have to open up a can of whoop ass on you...
Yez, I suppose you could look at your Christmas in that way...
But if you CHOSE to, you could also see it this way:
You had a whole wonderful week with them before Christmas, and in doing so got to enjoy the expectation, the anticipation, the wonder of Christmas as only children see it.
You had them Christmas Eve and got to do the, "hey, you better go to bed so Santa can come" and hear them giggle and talk, unable to go to sleep because they were so excited. You got to awake at the crack of bejeezus Christmas morning to their laughter...again, to share the thrill, the joy, the glee...nothing, absolutely nothing like a house with children on Christmas morning.
You had your day cut short, yes, but because your daughter wanted to see her mother...feel comforted by the fact that she felt safe enough to say that to you, know that that reflects that you two have succeeded in making them feel safe, making them feel like they can tell the two of you such things, that they can openly and honestly express those kinds of feelings to you without fear of your reacting badly.
You got to take them back home, to their mother, who must have missed them terribly, and been grateful to you for your kindness and caring for your children, and you left them with her, secure and comforted by the notion that she is a good mother, a loving mother.
It's like watching baseball on the big screen, or finding great shoes on sale.
You know Jeff, the post you wrote to FIB is yes somewhat true.
It does hurt. I have to tell you tho. This is the 2nd Christmas without the X and the kids and I did good.
I had them Christmas eve and Christmas morning. I may not have them next year for this, so I made sure that THIS year was going to be great.
Their faces, well if you go to my FB page you can see them. Waking up in the morning and the FIRST thing they did was lay down on the floor to sing Happy Birthday to baby Jesus, and THEN plow into the presents.
They were so happy and spoiled by so many friends and family.
AND do you know that my kids were able to have Christmas all over again, when they went to their dads place?
They were able to open more things and play those games with his new family.
I have not seen my babies since Thursday this has been the LONGEST time EVER away from my babies.
I miss them sooo dang much, but they have called me with excitement in their voices. No crying.
IT is all falling into place with the help of God.
It may not be the places I wanted them to fall into, but I have to be grateful for what I DO have.
It is all about the babies. They need to see us LIVE and be filled with joy. They need to know that WE are ok when they leave our side to be with the other parent.
It is our duty to make this transition for them as loving as possible. IN spite of our heartache and hurt feelings.
Well BIG hugs to you my friend. I hope you have a wonderful new year
Last edited by Lissie; 12/30/0803:38 AM.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
Jeff...I know that my pain is not over. I know that I have yet to be separated from my children. I know that...most likely...here in NY...I will be the one 'forced' to leave the home that I bought and built..where I planted trees for my wife.....where I go on the slide in the backyard...where I lay on the carpet and watch TV in front of the fireplace.
It's coming for me..more pain. But it's change that I must accept...and you must too...because, as YOU have told me over and over again....THIS IS HER CHOICE AND I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT. Neither do you, so, it behooves you to move forward or it will eat you up every year.
Instead of looking at the pain of it, you should be now saying it is TIME FOR ME TO BE HAPPY AGAIN.
Yes Jeff. I am now learning...as you predicted...that the pain is changing. I no longer call in desperation about HER...but I hurt for my kids. I think almost EVERYONE here says that THAT pain lingers a LOT longer than the spouse stuff.
And...I agree with what BMF wrote (is it BBA reincarnated?). Your children LOVE YOUR XW...the same that they love you. We CANNOT ASK THEM TO PICK, CHOOSE or PREFER one of us over the other. You cannot equate their desire to be with their mom on Christmas with them feeling LESS for you. And if you have doubts about this, go back and read all the posts here on every thread about feelings we have for our parents: about how much we loved our parents or how much we hurt because they were NOT available to us. Look at frank_d's pain with his father .....or mine...or the love that you and I have for our mothers.
Jeff..you KNOW you are a fine dad. You KNOW your kids love you. They also love their mom.
But..I DO register that shuttling them around sucks and that it wasn't in your gameplan the day you walked down the aisle. Wasn't in mine either.
Choices.
It comes down to choices. XXX and my STBXW made THEIR choices. What are yours?
The State of Alabama made theirs. The State of NY is getting closer to making its own for me. What control do you have here? Only two things...which you taught me early on...you only control your attitude and actions.
Well?
Jeff....we as a species pretty much suck at hiding things well. What are your kids seeing? Can they sense all this? I think probably so. I think one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids this season is 'The Million Dollar Jeff:
Quote:
Steve Austin, astronaut. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster.
Rebuild yourself starting this week.
Better.
Stronger.
Faster to move on.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Just reading through some of your threads I notice you use the word "sucks" quite often. You got to stop with that attitude if you are going to live happily in the present and the future.
I am not a Buddhist, but the 4 noble truths may have meaning...
The first is that life is frustrating and painful with suffering. The second is that suffering has a cause. The third is that the cause of suffering can be ended. And the fourth is the path to ending the suffering.
I think you are stuck on wanting what you cant have and it is causing you to go in an endless cycle of wanting--not getting--being sad--wanting again.
Put the past behind you. You have learned from it but dont let it drag you down and hold back your potential.
Thanks so much my friends. You are all saying the same thing:
Jeff - STOP looking at the glass as half empty!!
Thanks again BBA. It felt good to read your post. On the mark as always. Sorry you returned only to see me fallen off that mountain top we once talked about. You are ahead of me - I must catch up - and I will. I once said long ago I was turning this over to God as you did. Remember? But I did not. Perhaps it is time, if only I can wrap my brain around the concept and figure out what is holding me back.
Liz: also felt good to read your message and thanks for sharing your Christmas memories with me. You are a wonderful mom and I DID log on to that other site to look - your kids are great. So are you.
FIB: as always, thanks. My Better Man.
Kerry: thanks for posting. Your words were hard to read. Yes, it is an endless cycle but now I realize it and it must end, and only I can stop it. I needed that 2x4. Thank you.
Yes, my glass is much more than 1/2 full. I will be thankful for what I have; and what can be if only I allow it to be.
