You are so right. I absolutely hate reading your posts!!! But they make so much sense and I know you are right. I hate to admit it, but I know you are right. As I was reading your post my H called me. He wanted to know what I wanted to do for dinner. I just said it was up to him and if he was busy we didn't have to do anything. He said, no I want to go out with you, I just don't want to argue with you at all. He said if you think we can go and have dinner and not have to talk about stuff I want to do it, but if it is going to be too "heavy" then I don't think it is a good idea....translation to me..NO R talk!!!!!!
I said okay did you want the kids to come along, and he said. It doesn't matter, I don't mind going out with just you, but like I said I am afraid of arguing and I don't want to do that right now....So as of now he is coming to pick up our D and take her to therapy and then we are going to go out to dinner. As I was reading this I was thinking I should probably not go but I didn't know how to say that and make myself look like I am all over the place again. First saying okay to dinner earlier and then not now. So I just said fine.
As far as my post before with the letter and dropping the rope I really felt good that week. I felt like I was moving on and doing things. I wish I could get those feelings back. I still feel like I am moving forward (ever so slowly). I finally admit to people we are getting divorced. I am looking at selling the house. I am starting to think of what my life will be like next year, w/o my H around. But I do love him. I do believe it is still a mistake.
Sandi you are right, he is detaching from me. And my FEAR is that if I deatach also then there will be nothing left of us. We will not find a way back to each other. I am trying not to let the D scare me to thinking that means "end all". I know we will still have a relationship of some sort.
I will join you in making a New Years Resolution. I do think I will try to go for a week w/o contact. I have done that and then when he doesn't contact me I start to feel like he forgets about me and so I then have to remind him that I am still here so I call or text.
It is comforting to know others know exactly how I feel. At the same time I feel so sad, because I know how much pain I am in and I wouldn't wish this on anyone and to know there are so many more out there going through this just kills me. It is so great to have them to lean on and talk to and I guess that is why God led me to this site. I really don't know where I would be without the help of you wonderful ladies..and men!!
As hard as it is and I believe it is just harder because of the holidays right now. It will be our first without each other in 12 years and that is hard to comprehend. Thanksgiving sucked and our Anniversary sucked but I know I got through them and this is just another day and I have to get through this too.
I am just happy I finally got out and bought a few gifts for my kids!! At least I feel like I accomplished something today. Now if I could just get to the grocery store...we have no food!!!
{{{Kristi}}} Yep..I felt the same way, going out and getting stuff for my kids..even tho their "big presents" were bought like a month or 2 ago, I wanted to get some other things and I got those done this evening..so I, like you, feel like I did SOMETHING
I could have written every word of your post about how you felt, how you felt like you were moving forward and now you feel like you've slowed down (HEY..but at least you are still moving FORWARD right? And this is so amazingly excruciatingly hard at times..on Saturday alone I went from good to bad to crying to okay and then had a good night..all in the course of a day..LOL!
I so often wish I could help everyone and anyone not go thru this pain and crap..but you are right that it helps that, if we are going thru it, that we know we are not alone!!
Let us know how the evening went my friend
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Kristi, If it helps, my W filed divorce back in April 07, and dismissed it in 9/08. She filed a 3 month continuance I think 7 times. I think D helps W/H feel like they are in control or something, and if you can force yourself to detach, you take away that control. I'm not an expert, but I can see many times where detachment did me well - I could've done MUCH better!
There will be MAJOR ups and downs - best advice someone gave me about a month ago was this: "Things will get worse before they get better." Once I wrapped my brain around that, I stopped jumping up on every nice thing W said, and stopped dropping like a rock on every unkind thing W said. I'm an eternal optimist, and I do not believe in pessimism, but I needed a touch of reality.
Take it from me - I went 2.5 years back and forth, W wanted to stay, and then leave, and then stay, etc. I'll tell you: most of the reason we aren't together today was me temperature taking and pushing. If I could have let things go for 3 months, I probably wouldn't be on this forum. I would have missed all the wonderful people, though, but I'm sure they'd understand... Two and a half years later, by NOT detaching, I've accomplished pretty much nothing, except to make the situation worse.
P.S. For whatever that's worth, in 3 days, I will be missing my first Christmas with D8 and S6. Hate every minute of it - but you know, I'm going to do this right. If I can do it right, this might become a bad memory, and maybe I can turn it into a good lesson for my kids and their marriages.
I totally agree with you that the D helps them feel like they are in control. And like you every time I do start to detach I can see where it did me well, but then I backslide so just like you I could definately do MUCH better.
My L actually said to me the same thing abt it will get worse before it gets better. I have started to experience that. It seemed that since my H filed things started to get worse. More anger and resentment that started to show. The easier it was for nasty words to fly and for hateful comments to be made. I am very optimsitic as well. I wouldn't say my H is pessismistic but he is more of a realist. He makes decisions based on what is happening now and in the past, that is why it is so hard for him to see that things could get better. I am optimistic because my view is that there was so much we just didn't know and now that we are learning. We wouldn't make those same mistakes or at least I don't think we would.
I am going to try really hard this next month to take your advice as well as Sandi's and the rest of the gang. I am a temperature taker too. And definately a pusher. I am making my New Years Resolution to detach. I have tried in the past month. I have had some really good moments and then gone back. Just when I thought I dropped the rope for good and let go, a week later I realized I was still hanging on.
For me the hardest part is the time frame. I have discussed this with my DB coach as well. I know this was a problem all summer too. First I thought I have to fix things or he is going to move out so I pushed...well he moved out. Then he took a new job and was training and my mind kept saying you need to get on the right track or he will not come home and you only have 12 weeks...so I tried really hard to get him to see why when he was done his training he needed to come home...that didn't work, he never came home, just more arguements..then he filed. Now I feel like I have to get him to see that things aren't what he thinks before the d is final...And that pressure causes me to pursue and temperature check and push him further away.
My DB coach said I need to stop worrying about the timelines. But it is really hard. It is constantly in the back of my mind. I keep thinking I only have so many months until the kids are out of school and we will sell the house and then move and I that means either I move alone or we need to move together. And I would prefer us my a new home together,but I KNOW that is not realistic right now.
Its those thoughts, that timeline that makes it hard for me to detach completely because the fear is the day will be here and everything will be over and I won't have anything left to fight for. I don't want to make the situation worse. I hate hate that I do that.
So are you getting divorced or since she dismissed are you piecing your marriage back together? I see you won't be with your kids this Christmas. I am really sorry to hear that. My heart breaks for you.
Take care. If there is anyway I can help let me know.
Good morning, Kristi! I just wanted to chime in and say that you will eventually be able to let go. I promise that! I know it seems impossible, but it will happen. And, who knows, once you do, he might decide that's not what he wanted at all.
Keep taking care of you and work on keeping your PMA up! You can get through this week. It won't be easy...but, we'll all get through!!!
After the holidays, you should figure out some more things to do for you! Does the poker group meet regularly? That sounded like a lot of fun.
Tawnya and I will work on finding you on FB.
Love you! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
The poker group meets 1 mo. So I will see if I can get involved in that. It was fun.
My H and I went to dinner last night it was a good time. Talked a little about the R, but not much. Overall he said it was a productive discussion...not sure what that meant. I left and he gave me a hug and kiss. He called this morning to ask about something in the D papers which upset me. And then an arguement started. I just said if you have questions ask your lawyer, I don't want to talk about it. Why would you call me? He said I didn't mean to ruin your day. I said well you know my feelings on all of it so I don't want to talk about the D, if you have questions don't ask me.
So now I am upset because our nice dinner went downhill fast!!
Oh well I should have known better. I was warned.
well I am going to run out and do some more last minute shopping and then go to my D christmas party at school!!
Have a great day.
Love you Kristi
Take care of yourself. I hope you have a great week!!!!
Thanks, days getting better. H called again. I think we got thru it okay. He just knows how I feel abt the D and I don't like talking about it. I have a hard time talking about it calmly without having to put my 2cents in about how it shouldn't be happening. That is the problem. If I could just answer the questions and discuss all would be okay. But I ALWAYS...have to say..well this shouldn't be happening anyway and then we begin!! So I do know it is my fault. I just feel so strongly about it that I do that so I told him I don't want to discuss at all.
I am off to my D school. I just came from shopping. It is freaking crazy out there. The traffic is a nightmare and lines are crazy. I can't believe I waited this long to go shopping. Now I just buy anything so I don't have to think about it just so I can get the hell out of the stores.
BTW...I have no idea what the php...things are I was playing around and hit some buttons and that is what happened...I am still trying to figure this stuff out!!!!
I send myself an email journal, and I remember reading from last winter - the one day, W was joking, winking, smackedg my butt - the VERY next day she was yelling at me about something, and wouldn't even look in my eye.
That's where detachment comes in - I almost lost my mind with the ups and downs, but the last two weeks has been amazing. I do understand how you feel though - feel like a crack addict myself, but you just can't stop temperature taking, etc.
Situation seems to be the worst it has been in a long time, but I feel the best - because I'm not up and down every five minutes. I have gone about as dim as you can - only communicated for kids in two weeks - W got stomach flu, and I asked if she needed anything. Kind and pleasant, but she knows I'm filing D because of OM. It's like speak softly, and carry a big stick.
And this is so amazingly excruciatingly hard at times..on Saturday alone I went from good to bad to crying to okay and then had a good night..all in the course of a day..LOL!