My DB coach recommended that I send H a "letter of release" - basically an email identifying the things I believe I did to contribute to the current state of our M. I sent this letter to him by email one week ago Sunday. The next day he emailed back. I got more info from him than I have heard in 16 months. He now recognizes that the blame should not all fall on me. Says he now realizes what a diffcult guy he is to live with. The rest of the email was all about how depressed he is (though he won't use that word and insists there is no help for him in therapy).
I asked if we could meet for a walk the following weekend and he agreed. This Saturday we met. He initiated a R talk saying he thinks he is not the marriage kind. I listened and validated. He said he likes his solitude and living alone and says he does not know how to ask a significant other or wife to tolerate that. I told him he just should ask and see what response he gets. I told him given my neediness and his attempts to meet my demands in the last few years, I could certainly see how he would like living alone. I said that I have always known him to be very independent and see now how he did not get much independence in our R these last few years.
I broke some DB rules by telling him I still have feelings for him. I asked him if he had any for me. He said he has, that he cares for me a lot and thinks I am among the most amazing people he knows.
I then said maybe we do not have to avoid each other so much. Maybe we can spend some time together without any labels on it or without any expectations, just to see how it goes. He said he thought that was fine. We are seeing a movie together on Christmas day. He has also agreed to take Tango lessons with me.
I said to him that I was sick of being afraid to hug or kiss him. He said he he was concerned about kissing because of the tendency to assign labels to people who kiss. (H has always had a big problem with labels, like BF/GF, because he thinks that then we let the roles define us instead of the other way around). I said if two people know there are no labels and a kiss or a hug is given because the person feels that way it is fine by me. He also said he has no desire for intimacy right now. He quickly added that that statement did not apply to me alone. He has no desire for intimacy period, from me or someone new (there is no OW). I said I respect that.
He had written a new song and wanted me to hear it. I listened to it and told him how beautiful it is. We then hugged goodbye and as I was pulling away, he kissed me. It was not passionate, but was affectionate and on the lips.
I am so confused. Is this part of the MLC dance? I know better than to have expectations but I cannot believe any of it happened.
I had been strictly LRT and now I am feeling unnerved. I would appreciate any advice thoughts at all.
And one more thing, he has mood swings. His email said not a good idea to see me right now, I do not have anything to say.
When I replied he need not have anything to say, that I have no expectations of him, he then agreed to see me. His mood when we met was much better than what he showed in the email.
I still need input. All the MLC books are helpful but do not compare to the real-life experience of the people here.
Hi, Beth, Just a quick note--I am not sure if my H is depressed, but I have been clinically suicidally depressed for almost 30 years, so I can tell you something about it from the other side and give you my opinion on your sitch.
If you were in a normal M relationship, it might be different, but as it is, you really can't do anything about his depression, assuming that he has it. People with depression are not going to get any help for it until they are ready, and you aren't in a position at the moment to significantly influence that. Please understand that it is very normal for a depressed person to believe there is nothing that will help them--that's a natural, "logical" result of depression. The illness itself interferes with the possibility of initiating treatment. Yes, you can DB a depressed person. Just don't get hung up on rapid results.
I need to run off now, but feel free to check my threads if you would like to know more (and leave me a message on my current thread if you have questions or anything)...I have lots in there about my depression.
Hang in there, take care of yourself!!
Peace and blessings, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
B Its a hard thing to understand especially when our H get friendly we tend to get expectations MY H been gone for 1.5 years and almost 2 years since bomb I have had many positive interactions with him he visits frequently to see our kids he has had OW for atleast 1.5 years and he has flat out denied her till recently when I had evidence and confronted him I too have spoke to H and admitted my part of failure to M This takes a long time for them to sort it all out It seems best for us to moniter them from a distance as we move ahead with our lives I thought my situation would be different only to realize its not friends is as far as we got and we are still friends..that works best for kids..but as for reconciliation I dont see it at all H may think and wonder if he made a mistake but not sure if he would ever admit it good luck peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you for writing to me. It really does not cease to amaze me how incredibly difficult this is.
It is so hard to really understand it all for me. I am finally starting to accept that there is very little, if anything I can do. That is really painful.
It is exhausting looking for any little sign of improvement because it always feels like one step forward and two steps back.
And I am so stressed out from validating statement like " I like being alone." "I am happy with my life." Particularly when they follow an email telling me how miserable he is or a statement two minutes earlier telling me he'll never be a happy guy.
I just cannot seem to detach. I just cannot do it and I think it is going to kill me.
B, It is very difficult to understand your h right now because he's on an emotional rollecoaster, one that goes up and down within seconds. One minute he's talking rationally and the next irrationally. The statements he has made to you about being alone, etc. are all typical of someone in crisis and depressed. This is his journey and one all about him, no one else. You didn't break him, therefore you cannot fix him. He and God have to do this together.
You have to keep in mind that whatever he says or how he says he feels, they are his feelings of the here and now. Ten minutes from now, he could feel differently. It is important to validate what he's feeling and just let it go. You know what your marriage was like, therefore, you cannot buy into the garbage that he'll be spewing about it in the months to come.
Christmas is a very difficult time for them. It's all about family and having wonderful thoughts and having fun. The mlcer is depressed, feels like crap, has a lot of guilt and shame for what he's feeling and doing to his family, therefore, they tend to either crawl into their holes and disappear or create chaos on this particular holiday for they want you to feel just as miserable as they do. What should you do? Plan your holiday with family and friends. Do not make your plans around your h right now, for he may or may not participate in the festivities.
As for detaching, do not over analyze his every move or statement. He is seeing the world through rose colored glasses right now. Dig deep for patience, compassion and understanding, for your h is a lost soul.
Keep the focus on you and your family, for God will watch over your h.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful post. It makes me feel so much better to hear all these things from people like you, Yellowrose, DawnofHope, PeaceToday, SilnetCheerleader and others who have moved further down this path than I.
I cannot seem to accept in my heart and gut that I really have to let him go. I just cannot seem to make myself do it. I feel as though the only chance of him ever coming back to me will be if I somehow stay in his life. My DB coach says to reach out to him occasionally for walks because the depressed won't reach out.
I am so confused and really hurting a lot. How does any LBS survive this?
One minute at a time...then when things improve, an hour at a time...eventually it becomes a day at time. I promise you it does get easier and one day you will realize that you are going to be okay no matter what happens with your M.
Your H sounds very similar to mine. My H enjoys his solitude and independence but is also afraid of losing me. My H cycles where he will make progress toward me and then will back off. Little by little, things are improving but it is at a snails pace...so in the meantime, you need to work on yourself...find what makes you happy and learn to enjoy life regardless of what happens in your M.
This is a long process but if you can change your way of thinking and become independent yourself, someday you may actually look back on this time in your life and be grateful that this situation forced you to grow and find out new things about yourself.
I think your DB coach gave you some good advice about reaching out occasionally...BUT when you do, you have to with NO EXPECTATIONS...and that is the hard part.
This time of year can be so difficult for LBS's. Go out and do somethings to pamper yourself. Start some new traditions. Look up some friends that you have lost touch with. The options are endless if you put your mind to it.
Thank you for sharing your experience and insight. One of the things that I did to contribute to our issues was never have enough independence.
This is not okay for me as a person. I am someone whose father died young. This means my mom lost her soul mate at 40. One year older than I am now. I have no excuse not to be an independent woman. This is a phenomenal opportunity for me to develop independence, I truly do see that. It is just a long road, but I am traveling it.
I am learning, slowly, to accept how long this will take. I am also learning to accpet that I cannot help him find his way or his answers. My head gets it and has gotten it for a long time, it has been my heart that has the hard time keeping up.
I am trying very hard to keep my mind centered in the present moment.
I come here to seek comfort from those of you further down the path and you are all generously giving this to me.
