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#1667925 - 12/07/08 01:07 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4032
Loc: NY
SD...of course it is all your fault. If she didn't blame you, she would be forced to look directly at herself. You MUST be the total blame.

Honestly tho'...do you think that if she was truly happy now, she.would waste time being angry at you? Unh-unh.

Continue what you are doing. Silence can be a powerful tool. Validate as you have been doing. Decorate YOURSELF. Watch what happens when you change the radio button from separated to divorced.

Stay strong.
FIB
_________________________
Me 54; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D10)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

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#1677933 - 12/20/08 03:29 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: faithisbelieving]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
I hate this.

Learned my my 3 yo daughter that "Buddy" is "mommy's friend who she sleeps with"

I had been thinking for the last months that her affair was over.

I talked angerly with W telling her she "has no morals anymore. I had to learn from my daughter that you are again sleeping with OM while our daughter is with you. Can't you wait to F-ck until you don't have our daughter? What kind of morals do you think our daughter is learning?" Obviously I am furious.

She also offered to give me 2 or 3 hours on Christmas while she cleaned her house for a family party... Later she told me I should be happy with that... and it was her BF's idea that I should spend a couple hours on Christmas with our daughter. Right now I'm thinking about telling my W she can "go to hell".

I know saying those things will get me nowhere, but I do not care anymore... my daughter's mother is no longer the woman I married... A selfish, spoiled, morally corrupted person has taken over.

I hate all of the lies and deceipt. I gave her a small fortune in martial settlement upon our separation, only to learn that she is already effectively starting a new family with her, her BF and our daughter. It sickens me to think that my daughter will be spending Christmas with the BF and not her father !!!

My W even threw sh-t in my face saying that she was thinking about adopting (obviously with BF), saying I would never have wanted to adopt.

I go back to the BD'ing and GAL - then I get some upsetting news and I flip out. It's an ongoing cycle. I periodically think there is some hope - then another crushing blow.

I do not know how some people can move on so easily. I feel like I am in pergatory, going through an unbearable test.

I can't hope anymore - the pain is too unbearable.

I do not know how to move forward and live my own life. I feel she has taken everything away from me.

I have thought about masking my loneliness by dating - but have learned that no one is interested in dating someone who is "legally separated".

I had thought this upcoming holiday week would be bearable and try to spend a few hours together as a family, until I get this crushing news. Now I do not know how I will get through it.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


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#1678014 - 12/20/08 06:56 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
Tawnya Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 2556
Loc: NC
Ugh {{{Single}}} I have no words..I can only imagine by your post how angry you are..and you have every right to be..the words you said about your wife remind me of how I feel my husband is right now, "no longer the person I married, selfish and morally corrupt"..it is just crazy to me and I'm sure to you and it really stinks that you don't get to spend Christmas with your daughter..In my opinion, remember the "spending with the daughter thing", no matter WHO suggested it, will be YOU and your daughter only..if you can focus on THAT..it would probably be worth it for you and a nice break in that day for you?

Tawnya
_________________________
Me:39
H:40
D18/S12
M20/T21
Bomb 10/11/08
One
Two
Three
Four



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#1678022 - 12/20/08 07:12 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: Tawnya]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
The arrangement this year is that W has D3 for Christmas eve and Christmas Day and I have D3 for 26th through New Years - then reverse next year.

It was her BF that suggested I get 2 hrs with D3... I am thinking that is just enough time for BF to give my W his present to her in bed, without D3 around. I don't want to encourage that.

I also want W to understand how angry I am with her by her actions. and giving D3 to me for a couple of hours will not work to apease me.

I am celebrating with D3 and my friends with their kids on the 27th and celebrating Christmas with my D3 and my family on 28th... So which day is which doesn't really matter - to my daughter she will have two Christmas'

The hardest part is, I do not want any of this - I want a complete family. Knowing my W will be celebrating Christmas with her "new family" just kills me. It is that easy for her to just create a new family for herself to be happy.

I hope she gets what she deserves - and its not good
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


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#1678060 - 12/20/08 08:19 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
Tawnya Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 2556
Loc: NC
Single..you are right on all counts and it totally won't matter and would probably be "cooler" to D3 to have 2 Christmases..LOL..I know my kids always love when I say for their birthdays that we'll be doing this or that, stretching out their birthday time ;\)

And I am SO with you..I want MY complete family back too..as we all do or we wouldn't be here would we?? The thing I keep trying to think for myself is that tho we may THINK our spouses seem happier now, we don't know for sure if they are or not? And..even if they ARE, will they still be when the grass is NOT as green?

Either way..YOU have to know that YOU can look at yourself and respect yourself..unfortunately our spouses can't say that..

So what is D3 gonna get..anything good?? I don't know much about 3 year old toys anymore..does she like baby dolls or totally not into that?

Tawnya
_________________________
Me:39
H:40
D18/S12
M20/T21
Bomb 10/11/08
One
Two
Three
Four



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#1678073 - 12/20/08 08:59 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: Tawnya]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
Thanks Tanya - yeah I don't really think my W is any happier with her BF, but she thinks she is "free" again... hasn't yet learned that being free isn't all it is cracked up to be... now she has responsibilities she has to manage on her own - and is worried about losing her job.

D3 is not much into toys - when we are together she plays with me and my Shih Tsu dogs (actually they are my WAW's dogs she left behind)... But she does love Diego - so I got her Diego, the rescue pack and baby jaguar... She is also getting a princess quilt and sheets
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


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#1678111 - 12/20/08 10:07 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
Tawnya Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 2556
Loc: NC
Aww..that sounds perfect..princess quilts and sheets..Diego from Dora the Explorer? I love when they are so young that presents really aren't as important as playing with her daddy and the dogs..that's what life is really all about isn't it? \:\)

Tawnya
_________________________
Me:39
H:40
D18/S12
M20/T21
Bomb 10/11/08
One
Two
Three
Four



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#1678117 - 12/20/08 10:24 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
Jeff223 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/06
Posts: 1841
Loc: Alabama
Have the best Christmas you can.

Week after - SEE a LAWYER.

Get yourself on a custody schedule, for your child's sake.

Legal separation if that what it takes.

No, you do not have to accept "two or three hours"........

Stop trying to please her - do what is right for you and your child.

Stop thinking of her. She is not worth your energy.

Do for you and your child.

And stop the "I am separated so no one will date me" excuse. That is all it is - an excuse. Bull.

You should concentrate on you - not dating. Dating, or even hoping to, is running away.

Stop it.

Strength and Honor.
_________________________
Jeff

Current Thread

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#1678335 - 12/21/08 12:55 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: Jeff223]
Ready2Change Offline
Member

Registered: 03/04/08
Posts: 3962
Loc: Colorado

This is the question I always ask myself:

"What is in my kids best interest?"

It is in my best interest to ask this question frequently.

Here are some of my answers:

"To spend equal and frequent time with both parents" (So I fought with all I had to make sure I have 50/50 parenting time). I took control of what needed to be done for this to happen.

"To have two happy parent as role models" I have 100% control of one of the parents (ME) and I have 100% control of the way I think, speak, interact etc with/about the other parent....(I have no control of HER happiness)



Remember: "What is best for my kids is best for me."

Set your intentions and everything else will follow naturally....
_________________________
"What is best for my kids is best for me"

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#1678417 - 12/21/08 03:59 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: Ready2Change]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10307
Hi SingleDad, I saw your post you sent to Tawnya over on her thread. I have glanced over your thread to get an idea of your stitch. Even though it is personal pain for you, it is very common amoung the others here on the DB board.

I was an almost WAW. I never left, but was very close. I am older and my children are grown, but if there is anything I can help you with as far as trying to give you any insight of how a WAW thinks or feels, I will do my best. Over the years, I have read a ton of book on how to improve MR, etc., and I have observed a lot of other couples in their own problems. I never thought it would happen to me. It has taken me a long time to find myself again, but with prayer, and trying to help myself, plus this board......I did find my way back. This board was the greatest thing in my life that kept me from walking away and kept me from ruining my life plus a lot of others along the way. So, I encourage you to stick with this board even when you are ready to give up.....that is when you really need to hang in here with us. There are a lot of very smart folks around here and sometimes it takes a while to find them or they find you, but just keep reaching out to others. I saw where you did do a lot of reading other posts before you decided to start your own thread. The more people you post to, the bigger your support group will be and right now that is what you need. Christmastime is a very difficult time to be going through this mess, but it is staggering to know just how many here on the board are facing that this year. So know that you are not along by a long shot. Not that that helps, but your problem is not "unique" in the sense that it is the only one like it, but it is for you b/c it is your personal problem and pain.

I will check in on you again, and like I said, if you have any questions or just want to vent, you are free to do that here. You little girl needs you so you must try to hang on and make a life for you and her even when you feel like there is not use. You will have days like that....and that is when you need to come here and just talk all your feelings out.

I hope we can get better aquainted. It is important to take care of yourself during all of this. You will discover that you have more strength than you realized.

Hope to hear from you. I am over in the Piecing forum, mostly to just have a home place for people to find me.

Take care,
Sandi
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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