If you do not want the D, then don't act like you are a willing participant. Let him know that you are against the D; but if HE files you will not stop him. He needs to know that you are standing for your M; if indeed you are.
Thanks again, Tom. It makes so much sense and seems so obvious. Darn those muddy waters....
The next time he brings up the D and mentions that he wants us to go together to split the cost, should I tell him I can't do that morally or emotionally but that I understand his need to do so?
In the past, right when everything happened, I told him that I reserved the right to file. In an attempt to save money, he wants us to go together so I don't pay all by myself - and I'm sure in order to save himself as well. I haven't outright said what I'm going to do yet because I was afraid that if I said that he needs to file that he'll go do it tomorrow. He's like that. So I've been stalling - saying I need more time (which I do) - and telling him that we'll look at doing it in January once I get my plan formed.
So space, I am giving him. Got it. Need to give more.
Boundaries - I guess in our sitch it would be needing more time, no OW talk (that's gonna kill me), and no sex (that's gonna kill me even more).
Validate - got that.
Friendly but not a friend - ouch. Trying. I am soooo trying.
Go out and GAL - wow, it is so hard. I feel so exhausted by everything to even consider it, but you're right. I know.
Thanks again, Tom. May God bless you and keep you. I hope you and the kids have a great day!
Nas...we were discussing this on kat's thread in Infidelity. Most of the times a spouse will trade down for an A partner. don't know why that is; it just seems to be that way most of the time.
So it really has nothing to do with your beauty and traits; it has everything to do with the "fog" he's in.
Nas..remember one thing..You cannot control his actions. So if he decided to go and file tomorrow; I believe he would anyway.
If you want to tell him that you need more time to think, then go for it. Anything you can do to stall will keep pushing it out. As far as paying for half; you could always tell him that you have had a change of heart, you don't want the D. If he wants it, he can file and pay for it. His L will probably request that you pay for a portion anyway. Maybe removing your willingness, upfront, to pay a share might make him slow the process a bit. I don't know if that's true or not; you know him better. but with the cost of setting up a new household; he might not be able to file right now. Is it worth the gamble?
In the end, I quit talking about any kind of timetable; at least from your perspective.
So it really has nothing to do with your beauty and traits; it has everything to do with the "fog" he's in.
Thanks, Tom. That really does help. What's funny is that in my past, when I had A's, they were upgrades in some ways. Super-hot, super-smart, super-fit, super-successful. Makes me wonder if this OW is a goddess or something.
No, I'm not going there. Seriously, who cares? I will NOT feel bad about myself. I'm repeating it like a mantra right now. And I am also controlling the urge to track her down and confront her.
Not gonna do it, but boy is it tempting. I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker and Darth vader is telling me to come to the dark side.
Quote:
You cannot control his actions. So if he decided to go and file tomorrow; I believe he would anyway.
Very good point. I think I'm just going to tell him that I need a little time and leave it there.
What's funny is that in my past, when I had A's, they were upgrades in some ways.
The difference between your A's and his current A might be in the motivation that lies behind them. Just a supposition on my part, but you were probably looking for different reasons than he is currently.
Originally Posted By: Nas
I'm just going to tell him that I need a little time and leave it there.
I swear, I am so angry and hurt right now, I just want to stab him. I want to call him and scream at him that he is the most selfish a**hole I've ever met.
Maybe he IS the most selfish a**hole I've ever met.
I CANNOT take this. I just can't. I'm telling you that I am dying, and right now I want to make him suffer.
Why the f*** is he not suffering? WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?
How could I waste 11 years of my life with someone that would do this to me?
He called me a few minutes ago. We spoke for exactly 4 minutes and 38 seconds and that 4 minutes and 38 seconds killed me.
I just don't think I can do it. I don't know that I can fight. I just don't know that I care, because this person I'm dealing with is nothing like the man I knew.
I f***ing HATE him right now.
He called to ask if he could stop by this afternoon to get his stuff as he's going into Savannah and cleaning up "his place" today. He knows, of course, that I'm gonna be at work during that time. We ended up agreeing that it would be better if he came this Sunday - my mom is at my house today sitting with my dog, and I have a ton of plans tomorrow. He wanted to come tomorrow afternoon, but I've got a party, etc, and he has something in the morning. He's looking at coming by on Sunday at noon. I told him to call me beforehand. He doesn't think he has all that much to pack up, and I told him that actually there is alot. He totally has forgotten that he's got stuff in drawers, boxes - everywhere.
He was trying to laugh and talk to me like one of his buddies. He gets this fake-a** accent when he's talking to one of his guy friends at work. He KNOWS I hate it.
He mentioned he's going to get furniture today. A living room set, a bedroom set, and a kitchen table. He mentioned that he wants to make one of his rooms into a bar/billiards room. Stupid prick. Look at him, thinking he's such a cool guy. Such a bachelor.
The fool.
And yay for him - he and his slut and his redneck, racist, unethical, cheating-a** coworkers can live it up like the "simple" f***s they are.
I so wanted to ask him where the f*** he's getting the money for this furniture when we haven't finished furnishing our own f***ing house - although wait, I have class and higher standards.
He apologized for rushing me. He said he's just trying to make sure things are taken care of for me and for him. He apologized several times for rushing.
And he ended the call before me, damn it! I couldn't get it in.
I am going to cry. Damn it, I am going to cry at work. I am so angry, I can't see straight.
How could he do this to ME? Has he no conscience, no soul? I am his friend! I have supported him, dammit. I was there when his mother died. I have compromised alot to make us work, and I have still been willing. I am HIS friend. HOW COULD HE?
Stupid, cruel prick. I feel right now like the only thing to do is MAKE HIM PAY.
NAsmat, Ouch that hurts. Feeling your pain way over here.
Remember, you are a great person. You control you. Try not to let his actions or words control you.
Work on GAL. Pick a couple of things you can do from your list and go do them. Do something positive for yourself. Right away. Focus on you , not him right now.
I am beyond anger right now. I am so upset that I think I am floating outside of myself.
Not a minute after I posted the last message, he texted me.
"Just givin you a heads up but could you put Comcast in your name. I need to turn it on within two weeks or so. Thanks."
Well, I did the wrong thing. I was SO angry that he's pushing so hard that I called him instead of texting him back.
All that was going through my head was, "Does he think I'm stupid? Did I NOT just tell him that I'm doing my best to get things moving? Did he NOT just apologize for pressuring me?"
So I called. He answered, "Hey, ____ [my pet name]."
This first thing I said was, "Do you need it done today?"
I know he could tell I was pissed. He immediately fell into trying to smooth it over. I could tell he was a little defensive but also trying to be careful not to piss me off anymore.
He said probably in the next two weeks or so, but if I could call today that would be great.
I said I'd try, but I've got alot of meetings.
I said that I know we need to figure things out in terms of the house and car - need to get them written over to me. I told him I'm still working on it, but that I'm not sure that I'll be able to get them written over to me on my income/credit.
He said maybe I could get my dad to cosign, if I wanted. He said that if i didn't take them out of his name, then he'd get credit for my payments on his credit. He said if it doesn't work, we'll probably have to foreclose and bankrupt. He said he's probably filing Chapter 13 regardless.
I said that I don't want to foreclose. I don't want to damage my credit. I wanted to scream that I shouldn't have to f***ing worry about this. That he's the one destroying my f***ing life. I wanted to say how dare he put me through this because of his inability to know what the f*** he wants.
I didn't say those things. He didn't seem to have much remorse, but he did say he was sorry, that he knew it sucked. He said that he knew everything was happening so quick and that it sucked of him.
I said, "It's alright. I understand you need to get your stuff squared away."
It almost KILLED me to say that.
We talked a little more about bills, and then he said he'd call the water company and Comcast after lunch.
I wanted to say, "Have a great lunch with that stupid b**** you're seeing, you f***ing waste of air."
I didn't say that, though. I said, "Have a nice lunch, and I'll talk to you later."
Stupid b****** is only concerned with covering his own a**. He doesn't care about anyone other than himself. Piece of s*** waste of my time. I'm glad I told him he's the worst f***ing thing that ever happened to me when all this started because he is. I cannot believe I lowered my standards for that useless, low class, nothing of a human being.
Good for him. Let him go have his slut and his "simple" bachelor life and run around without any f***ing direction like the rest of his family. I should NEVER have settled for someone like him.
Please listen. I made the same mistakes. I doubt if my marriage will ever be saved now. Don't set yourself back as I did.
You are going through stages and will bounce back and forth between them:
Denial - this isn't happening, he will comeback, this is a nightmare
Bargaining - If I change this he will come back, etc
Anger - see your post above
Depression - you will lose weight, not want to eat, want to sleep, etc.
Acceptance - the faster you get to this stage, the better chance you have at dealing in a healthy way.
Please - at this time do not call or talk with him. Any request is going to make you angry - I know, I've been there.
"Good for him. Let him go have his slut and his "simple" bachelor life and run around without any f***ing direction like the rest of his family. I should NEVER have settled for someone like him."
He will realize the statement you posted above - BUT NOT IF YOU FIGHT WITH HIM, THIS WILL ONLY JUSTIFY WHAT HE IS DOING.
Please - you need to stop contact with him until you are ready to DB his a$$.
We have to go down to Comcast tomorrow at 10:00 or 11:00 to change the cable over. He'll call me tomorrow.
Hee haw.
Oh great, he just called again. He asked if I could try calling Comcast and see if they would just switch the name if I don't mention the problem. He said, "I'm sorry for blowing up your phone."
