Puppy, You seem to have a lot of wisdom in these matters. Thanks for sharing. I really do try not to jump into the pit with her, because each time it happens she ends up saying, "see, I admit that I have really hurt you, so why not just divorce me?" She's trying to get me to do the dirty work for her, this way her image in the church is not tarnished. I will try those techniques. CR
Simply tell her "I do not want a divorce," and change the subject.
Hon, all of our spouses know how to push our buttons...your not special there!
Now your job is to find out how to push hers in a different way.
Hard doesn't even begin to describe yours, our journey...but put on your big boy undies and Just DO IT
Set small goals for yourself
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
So yesterday morning we were in the car driving to the train station just after dropping our daughter off at school. I asked my wife for her portion of the mortgage pymt, she took the money out and threw it at me. She then said that she was going to our MC for the last time, so I told her there was no point in her going if she was going to stop. I said this in a very level manner. She became very angry and started asking for her money back. I refused and said she needed to help with the mortgage; she started hitting my arm and screaming profanities at me while I was driving. She then began banging on the dashboard and cursing and screaming and crying. I pulled the car over and tried to talk to her, but she wouldn't talk. I asked her in a very loving way (at least I thought so) what was going on with her, but she just kept cursing at me and saying that she just wanted out of the marriage. We were pulled over for about 10 mins, and when I saw that she wouldn't open up I finally told her that if she wanted a D she would have to file and I would sign. This is the 2nd time she had become physically violent with me. Later that day we talked for a while, both of crying and saying how much we love each other, but she still insisted that she wanted a D and told me she had gone to the court already to pick up the papers. I told her that I was still commited to her, and that I still saw a future for us, but she said she's just not ready for that right now. Her big hang up with fixing things w/me is that she says she can't forgive me for telling our friends and family that I thought she had an affair and that I called the police and pushed for her arrest (which they did not do) after she damaged some of the stuff in our home while our daughter was present. She says she can't move on in our relationship after that. I regret talking to so many people about my suspicions and I definitely regret pushing for her arrest, and while I've apologized profusely for both incidents, they were none the less reactions to her actions. She won't acknowledge how much she hurt me and she still says she can't forgive me. Anyhow, this morning we were on the train together and after trying to start small talk w/her and her not really responding, I told her that I wanted to switch cars and ride in separately. She became very upset at this, and said that I wasn't being honest about my feelings and that I was just trying to blame her and make her look bad by saying that she made it seem that she didn't want to ride in with me when in fact I was the one who didn't want to ride in w/her. The truth is, I am very hurt and angry right now, and I do want my space from her. I told her that back (in a text). I said that I only rode in w/her because I didn't want her to think that I didn't want to be around her, but when I saw that she didn't want me there I decided I might as well take my space. She's very upset at this. I feel like she hasn't at all cared about how I feel; she moved out a week after we bought our 1st house together, and has done what ever she's wanted since then, never taking my feelings into consideration. Why shouldn't I take my space when I need it? I honestly can't do anything right by her, so I am just going to start doing what's best for me--afterall, if I don't who will? What about the unforgiveness on her part? I can't keep apologizing for the same things--especially when she is the one who put this entire thing into motion.
She's very upset at this. I feel like she hasn't at all cared about how I feel; she moved out a week after we bought our 1st house together, and has done what ever she's wanted since then, never taking my feelings into consideration. Why shouldn't I take my space when I need it? I honestly can't do anything right by her, so I am just going to start doing what's best for me--afterall, if I don't who will?
Crafidi,
This is the smartest thing you've posted yet. BINGO!!!
The light finally came on. It was hard to do, but it's what I needed to do. We didn't talk all day. I had sent her an email just trying to figure out child care plans for tomorrow, but she wouldn't even respond to that. Anyhow, I left it alone. When I saw her after work at the train (we still share the car, so contact is a must) I just said hello, asked how her day was and told her about something funny that had happened to me at work. Totally casual and non-provocative. Didn't ask if she got my email or why she didn't respond. I'm realizing that my happiness and mood hinges on me, not her.
By the way, I just got the Divorce Remedy in the mail, and I'm reading it, but I realized that I probably should have bought Divorce Busting. I think I'll finish remedy and then move on to DB.
Cardifi I think her anger and frustration comes from her not being sure of what she wants. I would guess ( having been there ) that she is having an A. You act so p*&^%$ off at your spouse because you feel trapped and on very shakey unknown ground.
What drew me back to my H ( who now has left ) was his walking away. As sooon as he shifted from wanting me to not wanting me , i was there. Be firm in what is good and right for you. i think there is no right or wrong , you do what you need to do , as long as you know the consequences. Remember also that there is nothing less attractive than a needy whiny spouse. You hand over your power when you do that.
