Thank you. I am trying. Most of this is only a month and half old now, so I guess it just takes time. The problem is, she has a problem with anything I do, so I guess I have to see myself independent of her. I can't keep worrying about pleasing her, because she certainly isn't worrying about pleasing me. But what does it mean to do 180s? Does it mean becoming calous? Or does it mean spending money on myself buying myself nice things? The first thing I did when she moved out was go on a trip to CA to be with my family. We hadn't flown without each other since we were married, so this was quite a shock to her. She called me after 2 days and convinced me to come back. She said she wanted to work things out with me. 2 hours after changing my ticket she called and said she still wanted to separate from me. It just seems like I can't win. I guess what I should have done was stay in CA for the duration of my trip and not let her convince me to come back NY so suddenly. What steps did you take to "move on?"
Thank you. I am trying. Most of this is only a month and half old now, so I guess it just takes time. The problem is, she has a problem with anything I do, so I guess I have to see myself independent of her. I can't keep worrying about pleasing her, because she certainly isn't worrying about pleasing me. But what does it mean to do 180s? Does it mean becoming calous? Or does it mean spending money on myself buying myself nice things? The first thing I did when she moved out was go on a trip to CA to be with my family. We hadn't flown without each other since we were married, so this was quite a shock to her. She called me after 2 days and convinced me to come back. She said she wanted to work things out with me. 2 hours after changing my ticket she called and said she still wanted to separate from me. It just seems like I can't win. I guess what I should have done was stay in CA for the duration of my trip and not let her convince me to come back NY so suddenly.
You've answered your own question, Crafidi. A "180" is doing something that's 180 degrees opposite from how you would have done it before, and had you said "OK, great to hear that -- let's discuss that when I'm back home next Tuesday," instead of flying back for her beck and call, you would have successfully done a "180."
Here's a clue as to where you're getting stuck:
Quote:
Thank you. I am trying. Most of this is only a month and half old now, so I guess it just takes time. The problem is, she has a problem with anything I do . . .
You're continuing to define YOUR success by whether or not SHE "has a problem with" it. Stop that. Instead, learn to definite your own success by DOING THE RIGHT THING, in every situation, and doing what God Himself would HAVE you do at that moment.
Do that, and you will sleep well. It is NOT easy. In fact, it will be the hardest damned thing you've ever done in your entire life.
180's = doing things different than you have before.
Yes, you should have stayed in CA. Treat her as you would a neighbor. That's how I was. I NEVER engaged in R talks, fights, his poor woes me conversations. We NEVER fought about anything because that would have made it easier for him to do what he is doing. His thoughts would have been "See, she's a bi*tch, that's why this is ok)
When we discussed money, he would say.. "I guess I will live in my car, or move to Australia and live in a tent"." Normally I would have felt the need to fix those feelings for him and argue him out of feeling like that. My 180 reply was "Gosh, I am so grateful that you are being so supportive of us, it really means a lot to me. I know this is going to be hard but we will find a way to make it work". Very infrequently I would add a "it doesn't have to be this way". That was as close to Relationship talk as I would get.
My husband also used the hostage anology with me. I learned when he seemed mad at me about something I just validated what he was feeling "I'm sorry you feel that way", or " I can see how you feel like that". I don't recall if you have kids together.
These are some good phrases to use. Your neither agreeing nor disagreeing and it diffuses the conversation. My other favorite phrase to say was "sure". He would be talking about things I did wrong, how I made him feel unloved and disrespected and even if his memory was wrong in what he was recounting I NEVER corrected him I would just nod my head, smile and say sure...Not disagreeing or agreeing. Do not engage.
I will say that I never did not love my husband but point blank I treated him badly. Why? Because somewhere along the line he let me get away with it because he didn't want to fight me. I was good at manipulation. But, I have learned my lesson and it was the hard way.
Last edited by sandycay; 12/08/0806:23 PM.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
First...where did she move to? Second...how is she supporting herself and the child? Third...Have you identified who the other guy is?
She is definately keeping you on a string as the backup guy in case things don't work out with the OM. Per your posts about his emails....he seems reluctant and she is pursuing. I would meet with this guy and let him know what he could be destroying!!
Don't sit back shaking like a leaf while others decide your fate. Get in there and be proactive.
I have battled with confronting him for a long time. I haven't confronted him because I feel like she's the one who cheated on me, not him. Besides, I don't know what good it would do--she should love me and care about our family on her own, not because I confront the OM or force her. We both work for NYU, and so does the OM. She is renting a room in a house 2 miles from our home, but she says she's getting an apartment in January. She left our daughter in the house with me, but she sees her on a daily basis. Have you been cheated on?
Were you cheated on or were you the one who cheated? I don't ask to judge you, and forgive me if it's out of place, I just want to know your perspective and I'm a bit confused from the message you just posted.
Too late to go back on that one, but here's something I recently did that shocked her. We meet in a "community group" before church. It's a group of other married couples w/kids who come together to commune and encourage one another every Sunday. Well we're not close to the group, particularly since we haven't been attending lately. Anyhow, yesterday, w/out 1st asking her permission (which is what I would normally have done) I threw all of our problems out there for the group and asked for their help and prayers. As you can imagine, she was furious, but it was something that the Lord put on my heart to do. I didn't humiliate her or share all of the nitty gritty details, but I did say that she wanted a D and that I did not and that we really needed the help of the church. She tried to yell at me about it afterwards, but I didn't allow her to make me feel bad for what I did. I told her that I felt good about my actions and that I did not regret what I did nor did I think it was wrong to ask our church for help, no matter how she felt about it. In fact, I turned it on her and asked her if she thought that pride or an unwillingness of heart might be why she's so angry. We went to my/our home, I raked leaves (instead of crying like I wanted to) and a few hours later her anger passed. I guess that's a start.
Example: In your post above you said "She tried to yell at me about it afterwards, but I didn't allow her to make me feel bad for what I did. I told her that I felt good about my actions and that I did not regret what I did nor did I think it was wrong to ask our church for help, no matter how she felt about it. "
What you should have said is, "I can see how you feel that way", or "I'm sorry you feel that way". But what you did was say "In fact, I turned it on her and asked her if she thought that pride or an unwillingness of heart might be why she's so angry."
What I was saying in my previous post was "even if his memory was wrong in what he was recounting I NEVER corrected him I would just nod my head, smile and say sure...Not disagreeing or agreeing. Do not engage"
Your trying to project your emotions however right on to her. She won't like that and it will only push her further away. Reread my above post and tell me what specific questions you have about. Read it slowly.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Too late to go back on that one, but here's something I recently did that shocked her. We meet in a "community group" before church. It's a group of other married couples w/kids who come together to commune and encourage one another every Sunday. Well we're not close to the group, particularly since we haven't been attending lately. Anyhow, yesterday, w/out 1st asking her permission (which is what I would normally have done) I threw all of our problems out there for the group and asked for their help and prayers. As you can imagine, she was furious, but it was something that the Lord put on my heart to do. I didn't humiliate her or share all of the nitty gritty details, but I did say that she wanted a D and that I did not and that we really needed the help of the church. She tried to yell at me about it afterwards, but I didn't allow her to make me feel bad for what I did. I told her that I felt good about my actions and that I did not regret what I did nor did I think it was wrong to ask our church for help, no matter how she felt about it. In fact, I turned it on her and asked her if she thought that pride or an unwillingness of heart might be why she's so angry. We went to my/our home, I raked leaves (instead of crying like I wanted to) and a few hours later her anger passed. I guess that's a start.
That's a PHENOMENAL start, Crafidi!!! That was very strong and "leading" of you.
And I can guarantee you that althought she acted all livid, that at some level, she also found it attractive. At a MINIMUM, she respects it.
What I meant about talking (Not confronting) the OM is that his email to your wife made it sound like she was the pursurer and he was wavering. Just a man to man talk about his side of whats going on and its impact on you and your child might just make him even more unlikely to get with your wife. Work on his conscious a little. Thats what I getting at. If he steps away he incentive to leave might go as well!!
