I am so lost and confused. My W and I have known each other since we were 13 (we're now 30), we've been best friends ever since and have been married 10 yrs. We have a 4 yr old daughter. Six months ago my wife said she wanted a sep. I moved out for a week, she said she missed me and wanted me back home, but when I returned she began to say she wasn't comfortable with any physical contact with me. I began to see a lot of changes in her behavior, and my suspicions led me to look at her texts. There were many texts, but I could only read 2 before breakind down. They were from her to a male co-worker, and they said "I really like you, but you really hurt me" and the other said "Everytime I try to get closer to you, you pull that I'm having a bad day crap. I'm really getting sick of that." I confronted my W and she denied that there was anything wrong with those texts. I also began to check the cell account and saw that she was texting/calling this guy all throughout the night for long periods of time. I also saw a note she had written asking if the guy was "playing hard to get" and "if he was in a serious relationship." She also said that her thoughts were "consumed" with him. Phone calls never ended. She just ended up opening her own private cell account. For about a two months from Aug to October, she began acting like things were good between us again. We even bought our first house together. A week after moving in I saw her online with him and he had wrote something to her that said "loving you" and her response was "everything is not as it seems." I confronted her and she refused to show me the message, said she didn't care what I thought, and said she was getting a divorce. She moved out a week later. This is, of course, a condensed version of the story. There are other less obvious signs that she is cheating. She refuses to even work on the relationship. This is what's most troubling to me. We once loved each other very, very much. We were virgins when we got married, we're both Christians (at least she says she is), and I just can't understand why she would want to throw all of this away so quickly. Is this the biggest sign of all that she's having an affair? How can I ever know the truth? She won't admit to ANYTHING!! It is driving me absolutely crazy, I just don't know what to do anymore. Please help!! What should I be looking for? Am I just ignoring what's right in front of me?
First, I am sorry you are here, but welcome. I hope you find the support you are looking for. The people on the boards are simply awesome.
One thing I have learned, is snooping is/can really only hurt you. I know how difficult it is...but try your hardest not to! I highly recommend reading DB/DR (Divorcebusting/Divorce Remedy)they are awesome resources.
Most importantly, take care of yourself!
cdmod
"When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion"
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing to do. But to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart,that's true strength"
I am sorry you are here but glad that you found us. At the very least it sounds as if she is having an emotional affair which can be just as devastating as a physical affair.
Unless you are fully prepared for what you find, I would suggest stop snooping. It usually just causes more pain. You will hear this over and over...focus on you. Don't beg or plead in front of her. Focus on you and making your life the way you want it. Become the best you that you can be. I know it is difficult, just take it one day at a time.
Keep posting. We are here for you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
It is so hard to stop looking. I feel like I absolutely need a conclusion to this. She hasn't filed for D, but keeps saying she's going to. I need to know why this is happening. She just won't be honest with me and that is driving me crazy. How do you just let this much of your life go and not want answers?
I have already given you advice on your Newcomers thread; did you read up on self-esteem and boundary-setting/enforcement yet?
You keep seeming to want to know "why" . . . this is a cheeseless tunnel. Why do terrorists kill innocent people? Why do bullies pick on weak victims?
It is what it is; we are sinful, and it is human nature to lust and to want what makes us feel good. I'd like to see you focus less on the "why?/woe-is-me" stuff, and concentrate on learning about boundary-setting, and about affairs, and come up with a gameplan for working on CRAFIDI, and leave your wife to her own devices.
That is so much easier said than done. Especially when she just keeps me in limbo. Another "why" I want an answer to is "why" doesn't she just file. She knows my beliefs will not permit me to file, but why doesn't she?? I just can't keep feeling like this on a daily basis. I don't even know that my self esteem is as low as you imply--I love my wife very much, and I've said we've been best friends/lovers for a very long time. Does loving someone mean you have low self esteem? I am a Christian, I am faithful, I am very loving and forgiving, I am devoted to my family, I am a very good looking young man (only 30) (I look like Johnny Depp, been told this by strangers on the NYC subway and by friends/coworkers), I'm educated, I have a great job at New York University, I own a home--I have a lot to offer and I know that, but I just don't want to offer it to someone else, I want my wife. Does that mean that I have low self esteem?
Is she having an affair? I don't know. Is she cheating on you? Yes, in my opinion. At the very least she is sharing her personal thoughts and I love you's with someone who is not her husband. That in itself is not being faithful to you.
I agree with puppy you need to decide what YOU are going to do. I wish I had been firmer with my H. I tried to keep my head in the sand, 'compete' with OW by being cuter, more fun, trying to plan things to keep H busy with me, not her. All it did was keep us together a few more months under the same roof while he still carried on with her and I gave him no consequences. DON'T DO THAT!
Stand up for you, take care of you. I am a Christian and I don't understand how our spouses can say they are believers and consistently act in ways that contradict their faith. Do we all make mistakes? Of course. But there is a difference between occasional oops-es and repeatedly choosing to engage in unfaithful behavior. And it sounds from the messages like your W was doing the pursuing at various points...
Not trying to be negative. I am just saying that spending the next 6 months trying to find conclusive proof that she is cheating won't help your situation. Figuring out what you are/are not willing to stand for, will help you tremendously.
It's just sooo hard for me to accept that she no longer loves me the way I love her. We've been together so long and most of it was wonderful, so this is such a shock to me. I guess this takes time. What do I do about her indecisiveness regarding the D (well not that she's changing her mind, but that she just hasn't done it yet)? She keeps me hanging by a thread. Is that just more of me allowing her to dictate how I feel and respond?
I base my "self-esteem" observations from your early posts, Crafidi. Perhaps I'm off-base here, it's always hard on forums because we don't truly know the people other than what they post. It's just what "comes across" to me. If you truly have all of these things going for you, then all the more reason to stand up to your wife and learn to convey the confidence and "I will be just fine regardless" attitude that me, Gucci, Phoenix and others are trying to get across here.
What do I do about her indecisiveness regarding the D (well not that she's changing her mind, but that she just hasn't done it yet)?
Hello... that is a decision, she has decided to not move forward yet. I'll bet you a hundred bucks though if you keep on hounding on that issue it will happen a lot faster than you want. Don't talk about it at all. You ask what should you do.... we have answered that, now do it. One day at a time.
I do want to say this however, making mistakes in our lives does not make us un-christian. The 10 commandments is not a top ten list. No sins are better or worse than others. I am sure we have all broken 1 or more of the the commandements in our lifetime.
This is what saved me from coming across as needy and wimpy during my seperation and forced me to shut up the relationship talk with my H. I always envisioned that when he was talking to OW it was always fun and lighthearted and if every time he talked to me it was about:
1) the kids missing him 2) me missing him 3) begging him to think about it 4) pleading him to come home 5) can you fix this at the house, it's broken 6) do you want to come to dinner 7) how can you throw it all away 8) You get the point
So, I became a guilt free, everything is going well, happy, independant,validating, smile and wave, supportive, non-relationship talking, boundary having person.
Do you get that? It's the hardest thing I have ever done. I cried many times after our interactions. I never let him see it or hear it after my initail persuing. I didn't sleep or eat for months. But every morning I got up. put my face on, and stopped worrying about tomorrow. I lived from hour to hour, minute to minute sometimes. Guess what? Me and the OW must have switched places..... From what he told me once we were back together... She finally told him one day (while they were together).... I am in the soup with Sandycay.... which meant she's heard enough about me..... seems I was the topic of conversation quite a bit. He never seemed to pay any attention to me about what I was doing but he sure was talking to her about it. I did 180's. Shake it up a bit.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
