It's Tx Mom.. 2nd thread.. trying to hold on...

[Tawnya]

Aww {{{TX}}} Well I'm glad it wasn't too bad..and probably not as bad as you thought it would be

Have fun with your errands and your daughter's party!

Tawnya

[TxMomw/2girls]

OK.... here we go

Thursday night talk was emotional and yes tears for both of us... he mentioned that he does think of us and miss all of us.... what is sad and I feel the bottom line is it isn't enough for him to come back... right now... he is in the thick of this OW and frankly someone who can suffer himself but still pick the OW and himself more times than not over seeing his kids (and I go back to this is a man who would have rather been home with the family than "guy" time most the time) I dont' think I want him back. I think this is says something about his character that you can't change...

So this weekend was the first weekend I asked him to watch the girls both nights (knowing I'd see them yesterday for 5 hours due to D4 bday party) and both mornings were so hard... so this morning I call D4 while talking to her we both saying we miss each other and ILY's - H gets on phone and I just said you don't understand how hard this is for me... he says I know it must be.. we get into convo again as he wants to drop kids off early b/c of Cowboy game and he needs to drop car off at dealership... I tell him I have several hours of stuff to do so I'd call him and let him know. so Thursday he is emotional and sad.. today he is cold and mean... he could care less and I know it's because he has been with the babies all weekend and probably can't wait to get to OW house. He just stated that he is never coming back to our marriage, that he thinks we are two different people, the confrontation or conflicts we had are not changable or fixable.. I told him I never had a fighting chance, that he focuses on all the negatives about our marriage and not looking at any positives....

So I am no good at DBing... but I haven't really wanted to b/c there are somethings I needed to say for myself to heal.. Thursday was good and today was convo I wish we didn't get into. For H to think of himself before his kids is amazing and this is a man who lived with me very unselfish and would do anything to accomodate us and our family before his own needs... but maybe he has snapped and had enough.

New boundries, I packed some of his clothes today and have them by the door, told him I'd like him to get the remaining things out. He will also not be staying at this house while I travel for business anymore.. two kids and dog will have to go to his apt from now on as that is how it would be if and when Divorced.

I will go dark or semi dark.. no more questions (although I've said it before) I almost feel like filing for D myself but told him if this is what he wants he'll have to file. '

I just don't know how I'm going to get through the weekends with out my babies and the co-parenting will be another challenge in and of itself... being without my kids is truely the hardest thing of all of this... so not fair to them.

[Tawnya]

{{Tx}} All I can say is WOW..thru all of that, in all honesty, you sound at a GOOD place, if that makes sense, totally detaching and setting your boundaries..and I think that's great about the kids and the dog having to go somewhere else..welcome to reality "dear hub"..

I think you DB well enough but there are times when things need to be said and times when they don't..and it sounds like those happened for you

Have you worked on having more stuff to do when it's weekends without the babies?? I can't imagine how tough it is for you to do that and I know, if it were me, I'd have to try to occupy my time, at least until I went "hey..I can take a long bath and no one will be knocking on the door yelling for mom"

Tawnya

[sandycay]

Tx Mom,

While I am not going to sit here and say everything will turn out the way you want in your marriage, I do want to say something to you.

My H always put us first too. He was a great dad. Then I noticed changes in his patience level with all of us. Whatever the reason for all this doesn't really play into what I want to tell you.

I had the same thoughts as you ...once seperated my husband seemed to not care a lot about the kids at all either. I couldn't believe it. Hurt me but don't hurt my kids you know. At first, he wouldn't take them to his place but eventually I wouldn't let him stay here with them either. You can read back into some of my post as to how things started changing (not immediatley) once I started this " this is how divorce looks". Now, some of that pi@@ed him off really bad. Like I changed the garage code so he didn't have access to "his" boat. Hmm thought it was ours but whatever.... All I asked of him was to give me a few hours notice and I will make sure he has access...well he must have thought I was all talk because the first time he went to the garage to get it and couldnt' get in....I got an ear full.

"Your holding my boat hostage, blah, blah blah." I was calm and restated my boundaries and told him if he wanted me to have access to his apartment and give me a key I would be happy to give him his key back and change the code back. Well, please I really think that was the first time he really got it. It's not his house anymore. ( He was paying for everything still and never threw that in my face). I said why do you deserve privacy and I don't. Look of shock on his face was priceless.

Anyway, I diverted from my original thought as usual. I was trying to say even though this H of yours seems like someone you've never known...there is hope there. My alien H was delivered from the mother ship and although it shocked me that he did want to come back to the marriage. I just wanted you to know it's possible. My H's OW was younger too.

[Amy M]

TxMom!!

Hugs to you!!!! I'm glad to hear your update...I've had you in my heart.

You do sound pretty good considering!! And, you knew to expect the cold tone after the discussion on Thursday. That's just the way it works!

I agree with Tawnya...you just have to stay busy. I've been without my boys every other weekend since August 1. And, I believe that last night was the first weekend night that I was totally alone. And, I was cool with it!!! In fact, I took that long bath that Tawnya mentioned, I read a trashy novel, and I went to bed early! And, I really enjoyed the time alone!! So, until you get there, make as many plans as you can!

And, while there is always a chance your H (and mine for that matter) will wake up and see how foolish they've been, there's a chance that you (and I) won't be interested anymore by then too! I think that's okay! I saw H twice the weekend, and I honestly didn't like him either time. I told someone today, if I'd just met him, I wouldn't consider dating him!!! Maybe that's part of detaching!!

Love to you, TxMom!!!

Amy

[TxMomw/2girls]

Sandycay - where are your post?? under newcomers?

thanks for the insight... I think my hesitation with my little ladies has made this too easy on him... so it is all about to change... needs to see "how divorce is going to feel" attitude... I hope I can keep up how I feel today this whole week... the so "i don't care attitude" right now.

Amy - I second that ... being with H yesterday and seeing him today I didn't have one bit of " i want or miss you" thoughts..

sorry I've been so bad about checking everyone elses threads out.. been away from DB last week and not needing it as much either.. but busy time of year.

catch up tomorrow on everyone.

thanks as always for the support

[PositivelyMommy]

{{TxMom}} I am so sorry to hear that you H is talking about D again.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Sometimes we have to do what we HAVE to do but you know what, if it is not working, if your R is getting worse, then you know that you have to mix things up a little and do things a little differently. You said your C said that it was OK to talk about your feelings. My C said the same thing but I just KNEW that my H would get defensive, put up walls and see it as pursuing and pressure for him to conform. I KNEW that it wouldn't work eventhough with all my heart I wanted to let him know what I feel. So I told C that I don't think it would work and I listened to my DB coach instead. And things have gotten a little better. So it was working.

Why do something again and again if it's not working?? You are a supersmart lady. It seems like every time you told him your deepest fears, concerns and love, he cries, then withdraws and then he talks about D. It has happened several times now. In 'Surviving an Affair' and DB principles, they advice not getting in pushing our spouses while they are still in A. It won't work and it will only hamper your chances later on for reconciliation.

Change tactics. YOU CAN DO IT! Keep your eye on the goal. He's not going to stop seeing her now. The affair will end a natural death ONLY if you don't pursue him.

When the A dies, only then will he think about reconciliation. But you have to show that you will not PUNISH him because if you act like that now, he won't come back. He doesn't think it's SAFE to return to a wife who will make him feel guilty and miserable all the time.

Am I making sense? TxMom, I know where you're at emotionally. We are all there together. I am just looking out for your future. You are pushing him towards a D because he wants to get away from his feelings of guilt and shame. But you remind him everytime you see him of what a bad dad, terrible husband he is. He knows this. Do the opposite! Then when A ends, he will WANT to come back.

This is the time to use your feminine wiles. This is to time to use your brains and outwit the OW and H. This is the time to show Compassion to your H, at the time when he LEAST deserves it. Are you up to the challenge?