Read until "set your goal". Already set my goal when my sister in law called and told that his husband saw my husband's car at the girl's house. God know what they are doing inside. I thought I passed it, but my body shaking. My voice tremble. All the things I read from DR gone and replace with sad feeling followed by angry.
unable to concentrate to my reading, I picked the phone and call him. He never answered, just text me, 'please send my Birthday wishes to our daughter, me come back'. He come back at 3 or 4 am, I was sleeping with my daughter and he climb the bed to kiss her forehead and ask me what the plan for her birthday in the morning, whether I take leave or not. I reply half sleepy before he moving to living room and sleep there, as usual.
Still hurt, in the morning I talked about D things and amount that he needs to pay. He got mad and saying he rather go to jail than paying the amount, make me mad and we backfire each other all the way to work. Almost reach my office, we silince for a moment before I told him to take our daugther out for her birthday tomorrow. He agreed.
Feeling guilty I text him, telling him am sorry for shouting at him and everything I have done. I wish there a way for me amend everthing and remind him that we should be friends at least for our daughter. He never reply.
Will you make it with him running around with other girls, then arguing with you over money and everything else? And then you apologize? It doesn't look good. You need to find a way to change things and not let him treat you badly. Unless you stand up for yourself, no one else will either.
Sara, you are right...last Saturday after he beg me and much more promises I gave him my car. He promise to return back the car the next morning, which I have to do some shopping with my daughter.
but, end up he not turn up for two days. He never gone that far before.He off his phone (but, according to him, no battery). i couldn't reach him for two days! i couldn't hold myself. I know where is he. So, I text my sister in law to get the girl's address. I was determine to get back my car. But, I guess that not only the reason. Make things worse, my sister in law tell everybody what is going on, and coincidently my sister in law know the girl's family and according to her, the girl came from broken family and got some police case.
The third day, when my H still out of reach, we (my in laws) went to the girl's house. I was hoping to see my car and just run away with it if its there but I disappointed. The girl family also won't open the door. I was soo angry but nothing much we can do.
On the way back, they call and telling to meet up somewhere else to discuss things. Although am not sure what they want to discuss but I make it clear to my in law that, i just want my car for the sake of my daughter. I don't care if my H wants to stay with the girl or what. We waited at the said place almost two hours in the rain. My patient has gone. I can feel my head really wants to blow up. I ask my brother in law send me to the nearest police station where i lodge a report against my own H!
I know...I shoudn't do all that, but I was so desperate to get back my car. That night my H suddenly on his phone and we shouting over the phone. He really mad about what we did earlier. But, my brother in law manage to get him to send back my car. He left the car at our house instead of my brother in laws house, so had to get the car from there. Weird....I feel release once I sitting behind the steering, although part of me feeling sad with immagination H having a good time with the girl (H confess to my brother in law earlier, he not happy with me. He happy with the girl's family and he won't come back to me).
i was so quite when I got back my car.Never try to reach him. Funny his phone is on all the time. He text me everyday, try to borrow the car again from me and everytime we will argue over text messaging blaming, attacking and defense ourself. He sound so angry with every words he send to me and I maintain low. Finally, after four days, he said he will come home to see our daughter. I thought he will pack his thing and leave after that, but he change to his pyjama and play with our daughter till late night. When my daugher asleep, he send her to me and return back to his couch and sleep.
And today, for the sake of peaceful day, I do not want to argue when he said he wants to borrow the car. End up I wait for him in the office more than 2 hrs to come and fecth me. I wish, I have other alternative beside than rely to that car to come home and fetch my daughter at nursery!
Went to lawyer to discuss about D procedure and in the process. Weird...feel half of my heart torn apart. Not sure if am doing the right thing. All I know, I just don't want to go thru all this s**t for the rest of our life.
Been talking about D with him, his reaction is not consistent. Yesterday he said really wants to D, today he said thinking to R but, I screw up everything...and so on....
We still not in a good terms right now. We still mad at each other. He mad because my in law interfere in our problem and his reputation become so bad, plus he really mad because I do not want loan the car to him. I need the car to work and fecth our daughter in the evening or late night. He needs the car to visit his freinds and god knows what else since he not working. And I still mad at him because keep missing for 2/3 days, then come back home one day before missing again for another 2/3 days.
Don't let him take the car. His reputation is bad because he does dishonorable things. If he doesn't want people to say bad things, he should not do bad things. Easy to correct that problem.
Include today, 4 days he never come home. When he leave on last Wednesday, my daughter having fever and he fought with me to get the car. I keep on telling him "am so sorry, I couldn't do that".
He took cab in the middle of the night. Since then, everyday he will text me and ask how is our daughter and give a bunch of tips to take care of her. Sometime he just text me and tell me that he really miss our daughter. I never call, nor reply to any of his sms. Only once, when I had to ask him about the car service and also about our daughter insurance.
Yesterday he text me again to borrow the car. He called and I never pick up. He gave me 10 missed called. His mother come to visit and that when he called, his mother take the call and push me to talk to him. Still felt angry, I guess...so, talk briefly to him. He sounds nervous and tell me that he tried to reach me since morning and wonder what happen to me when I never pick up the phone. He told me that we was thinking to return home, but since I never pick up the phone the whole day, he thouhgt that I was not at home (or actually he wants to borrow the car,? just couldn't say it?)
And today, again he sms me to borrow the car. When I never reply he said ' go to hell then'. There goes my day....all in the dark again.
Sometime I couldn't help but blame myself for all what happen. If am such a good wife, he won't turn away from me. Maybe I never listen enough to him, maybe am not nice enough to him, maybe am not understand his feeling who struggle to find job, loosing father and his sibling turn against him over his father property.
But, whatever it is, I find it very hard for me to trust him again, and my fragile feeling keep on telling 'he hurt me so much when he said he have no feeling to me anymore'. I can't forget what he did to me just to make himself 'happy'.
I try to live for myself at the moment. Try to make myself happy. Do all the things that I wanted to do for so long. Good thing he not at home for the moment. At least I can focus to myself (watch movies that I loves, read any books, shopping for myself, etc). At the end of the day, when there nothing else to do, I will sit alone on the bed and can't help myself but flash back our good memory together, followed by the imagination what happiest moment he had right now in OP arms, and totally forgot he has a wife and kid left alone at home, and then I will cry,secretly...
First, I wanted to send you a big hug and to let you know that my heart goes out to you. I was reading your posts and felt so touched. I know too well how hard it is to love your H and for him to be in OP arms. My H left in Sept after a fight and I'm almost certain that he's living with OW although he denies it.
But I wanted to let you know that it is NOT your fault. I think that no matter how beautiful and caring we are, our H's would take us for granted regardless. It's because of their poor characters. God knows I do think that I don't think my M was perfect and I didn't deal well with my H having a son for OW even though I decided to stay and work things out, but I know my H was doing some real disrespectful things to me. I'm also now struggling with trying to not have my H take advantage of me as he's doing. I know it's so ridiculous that they are the ones who completely break the marriage vows and we worry about rocking the boat in hopes of working things out.
But I'm trying to stand up for myself and so should you. Please try not to give him the car. I know its hard but we have to. I don't think they will ever respect us if we keep allowing them to take advantage of us.
All the best and please be strong. We are both dealing with cake eaters and they think that we will just take it. Be strong and take care of yourself because right now he is not going to.
I was confuse and not sure what to do when all the problem started. All I feel at the moment is resentment feeling towards him and he shows in all ways and all languages that he hates me above all the creatures in this world.
I keep on talking about separation and divorce every time we see each other. He keeps on avoiding coming back home. He will be at his 'friends' house for 2/3 days and return home. Keep on nagging me about the car even though he knows that we need it the most.
So, there one day I gave him the car and as usual, he spends 2 days at his friend's house, and you can tell that I am really angry at him. We have big fight when he coming back home the next day. I throw the car key to him, pack his cloths and belonging, and chase him out from the house between my tears. I beg him to let us alone and don't show his face to us again.
The following week, without the car, me and my daughter have to get up early every morning. As early as at 6.45am,I send my daughter to MIL walking around 15 min and then, rushing to catch early train to work.
I thought this is the end of everything. He got money, got car, got his freedom. He can do and go anywhere he wants. But, almost every night he will call and I never pick up the calls. He gave up and starts texting me. Ask how is our daughter, ask either we need the car. He will ask the same question every single day and beg me to reply, and I will never reply to any of it.
Almost a week same thing happen, then I had to text him about car payment since the bank call me. He promise to pay at the same evening. Then he started talking about how regret he is about what he has done and wish time to turn back. He giving me all the hints that he wants to come back. I was happy for awhile until he said "I would stay most of the time at home, but maybe one or two days will spend my time at my friend's house". There he goes...he just spark the fire again. Who he's kidding? Who going to believe that he staying at his friend's house?
Anyway, I told him that if he really serious about our family, he should act and talk like one. I want a passionate, honest and happy marriage, and what he just propose is impossible for me. I rather out of marriage and I started talk about separation and divorce. He ended up by saying 'up to you'. I feel so angry, but has to swallow it. I didn't say anything till the next morning.
Early in the morning he knocks the door, loudly. Had to open so he won't disturb the neighbors. I just too angry to look at his face and gave him a way to come in and let myself to the room and continue my sleep.
Since the car already there, and he sleeping at the other room, I told him am going to take the car to work and he had to agreed. Besides, he said he going abroad later. Still angry I didn't response or bother to ask where or with whom.
That afternoon he suddenly text me ask about his passport. I think I know where he put it last time. But, I still mad at him so, all I told him "I didn't know", he the one who kept it. He suspected that I hide it, and I didn't response in such a good way and we backfired each other over the phone. He even cursing at me. Before end the conversation he told me he going to take the car later at night. The trip was cancelled. I admit that am not proud of it, but there some satisfying feeling inside me saying that I've won this round.
That same night, tiring after work, I fetch my daughter back to home. The moment I entered the house, I was in the very big shock. My house in a big mess. He open every drawer in the house, even break my drawer in the room. Boxes and bags opened with it contains all over the floor. I can feel my body trembling in anger. I called him he never pick up, I called so many times and still not picking up. Then started texting him, i cursing him with every terrible, awful words that I've known and send to him. He never reply even a word.
Finally, I sat on the bed and look at my reflect on the mirror. Then I started to cry. My daughter look at me with puzzle look, then she started crying too. I ignore her, and started texting my husband again. After all the resentment and frustration feeling, I started to feel sad. Sad to our marriage, our family, our house and everything. I know, I couldn't give him letter and tell him about what I feel about our relationship, about our marriage and family. And he won't pick up the phone, so I had to tell him thru texting.
I feel so much of disappointment and heartbreaking. All I want at the moment is to be alone with my baby, without him. The last thing I want is to have him around and make our life miserable. So, I told him to have whatever he wants, just leave us alone because so far we never disturb his 'happiness' with his 'friends'. He should be happy as he have what he wish for and let us live our life without him peacefully. He the one who cheating, he the one who leaving and breaking the family, and what else could be worse than what he has done to me and my daughter. In fact, I begged him to leave us alone. I told him, our life will be hard, but we will be happy and he also will be happy with his new life. I even promise him that I will never ever disturb or call him unless it's about our daughter. And I confess to him about the passport. That I guessing where he kept the passport and it is actually not there too...so nobody knows where his passport. He never reply to any of the text. That night, for the first time after we having problem I can sleep better. My friend said that maybe this time I honestly and truly meant what I've said and that the right thing to do and say at the moment.
The next few days really quite, and I was wondering if he received all the text. But, there is one day I had to text him about the car. Apparently he never paid the installment for few months. To my surprise he reply my text saying he will pay the amount by that evening. So, when I check that evening, and the car is paid, I was relieved.
He really take my words before seriously and never call and text me anymore. There one time he text and we still arguing. This time not about car, but our daughter. I mad at him because he suddenly appeared in front of the door and insist to see my daughter and I gave them space to see each other. 15 minutes later he suddenly gone without any words just left some money and my daughter crying like mad looking for him. When I called him and ask him why he do that, he told me that ‘he felt not comfortable seeing my daughter since I didn’t show my face to him at all and when I do, I show my sour face’. I quite surprise actually because I thought he wants to see my daughter but now he pointed the issue to me.
Then things started to cool down. I started to focus on my own instead of him. I feeling touched every time my daughter look for her father and I can't deny that I've felt something every time I saw my daughter's face when her father come to visit. But, on the same time I still working on our separation papers with my A. Still talking about it when have chances (told him that I need his current address and his opinion on the separation), and every time the answer will be the same ("I will let you know later"). At the same time am going out with friends and some new guys. I think my husband knew about it and never said anything about it. Recently am going to website where people talking and discuss about divorce. People been talking about their experience going thru the divorce or separation with their spouse. Deal with law and life afterwards. The anger, the disappointment and the impact to everybody that close to them and most importantly to their kids, who suffering the most. I suddenly realize that, even though we win in court on the divorce or separation somehow we still lose something and we gonna have to deal with it for the rest of our life. A simple example is, look at my situation. Everybody, regardless they know or don’t know who am I and my husband is, they will encourage us to proceed with D or S. Because we just get married 3 years and our daughter still small, just 2 years old. Beside he is unfaithful husband and a lot of issues on his own.
Then, I started to think. Even if I won, I will still have to pay his debt. Ok maybe I don’t mind as long can get away from him. But, how about my daughter. My husband seems can’t let her go. So far he proves that our daughter his priority and make sure he will send some money for her expenses. And my daughter seem to missed him a lot. Either of above I can handle, but to think that I still have to face him whether I like it or not, to think that I still have to call him whether I like it or not, and for the rest of my life, for the sake of our daughter makes me feel sick. I can’t separate her from my husband, it will be cruel to her. Even if I do that, her father won’t allow and I will become ‘the bad person’ in the eyes of his family (which matters for me). I still need their support since my family is far away. I have nobody here. Since we having problem his family support me in every way they could and I really appreciate that. As for my husband he had been living like a nomad person since I pack his cloths. Half of his cloths still at home in the cupboard (he bring it last time before we argue about passport) and another half in the car’s booths and it still there till now and I don’t know what to do with it. He also never mentioned about it. He only has a bag pack with him with few shirts and maybe two pair of jeans. He bringing this bag pack here and there.
Now come back to usual, he will come home saying he wants to see our daughter but will be at home for 2 or three days before he went off again. Sometime I see his back pack when he visiting, sometime I did not. If he around, he will see my daughter for awhile then go to meet his friends till late night or until early morning. Then come back and sleep in the other room. My instinct told me that he staying with his girlfriends but I don’t have any evidence and I stop checking on him now, that I don’t know what his status is. But, I don’t have any anger to him anymore, I feel sad the way he live and what he do to himself. I don’t know if he already eat or where he spend his time the whole night ( I know he try to avoid me). I did offer some of my cooks but he always refuse, but he still ask me to do his laundry! Usually he loves his mom’s cook and always visit her to have dinner or lunch, but now, he just drop my daughter and hurrying go out from the house. I do remember he told me that, he couldn’t see his family in the eyes anymore, and I also do remember that he told me that he sleeping at his friends’ house on the carpet without pillow or blanket. I just, not sure how sincere and how much the truth in it, since he lacking of that value in him before.
We didn’t talk much, we talk only important things. And now, when talking we did not fight or argue each other and I stop raise on separation and divorce issues since I read the website. Now am thinking whether to go on with our S/D.
