NC, We all know that there is a difference between loving discipline and child abuse. We all know that you love your boys and you would only spank them to teach them a valuable life lesson.
Remember what the bible says, "Spare the rod, spoil the child". Most of us were brought being spanked when we needed it. We all turned out alright.
Believe me I teach school, and kids are so much more disrespectful and fail to follow the rules than in the past. I believe it is because they know there will be no consequences from their parents of any kind.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I am going to avoid the whole spanking discussion but wanted to say that I know that you realize that if you and your wife do not see eye to eye on this, that she will, if she has to, use it against you.
Glad you had some great quality time over the weekend. That always makes my heart happy.
I will ditto lwb's sentiments. You may have to look at alternative parenting techniques that bring you both closer to the middle, if she uses it against you.
If you're interested an author that you might like (I think) is Thomas Lickona. I read his book, I think it was something like "Raising Good Children" for a college class and really liked it. I want to reread that myself!
I hope you're having a good weekend. It's very pretty where I live but it's too cold--I'm ready for spring already!!! Karen
My thanks to all of you for your words of advice and concern. Believe me, you second guess any form of discipline you take against your children, corporal or not.
Karen, I think that's the guy who wrote "Character Matters". I'm going to see if his books are at our local library branch.
Well, this has been another doozy of a week. It hit all the highs and all the lows it possibly could have.
First was the revelation that the WWOTN (Wicked Witch of the North = the MIL) is suddenly making plans to move back this way, supposedly to be closer to W and the kids. W appears to be encouraging her to do so -- at least W probably thinks its her idea to encourage her mother to move back closer: I suspect W just doesn't recognize that her mother is manipulating her again.
I'm also curious to find out the real reason why the WWOTN has suddenly decided to move back here away from her sister (W's aunt). Those two must have had a falling out, which would not surprise me one bit. Apparently the MIL cannot get along with anyone, but that's nothing new either.
The biggest crisis this week is that on Tuesday once again S7 got in trouble in the YMCA after school program. Somehow he again got ahold of a magic marker -- even after he has been specifically and expressly forbidden from ever touching them again -- and inadvertently got ink all over the school cafeteria. This is his THIRD such offense now, all in a month's time.
The counselors asked me into the cafeteria to see the mess. When I saw it I did not know what to say. On the drive home I just about had a nervous breakdown while trying to keep the emotions under control.
S7 was suspended from the before & after school programs for the remainder of the week. Normally on the third offense the Y will suspend them for the remainder of the entire school year, but since there are questions about where S7 got the markers (I know it to be his friends) the counselors decided to wait until they could investigate the incidence .
The really odd thing is that S7 had a perfect day in class. That would normally be cause for great celebration, especially since this is the first time he's ever gotten such a high remark. But this destructive behavior in the after-school program has cast that into oblivion.
I know that W is blaming me for S7's terrible behavior. I can't say that I blame her either -- all three of S7's incidents took place on my watch. If I didn't know better, I'd say that S7 is doing a pretty good job to ensure I no longer have a say in his life.
If I didn't know better, I'd say that S7 is doing a pretty good job to ensure I no longer have a say in his life.
But....you do know better. Please tell me you do! I don't think his timing (happens to be your day) have anything to do with it. Please don't overthink, nocode. I wonder, where do you think your insecurities as a father come from? Don't get me wrong, I have the same fairly new insecurities as a mom lately, I am just wondering about your thoughts.
Don't overthink. You are Dad. They love you. That's the bottom line.
I'm sorry, Lwb -- it's really hard not to over-think, especially after the third such fiasco. One time could be a mistake of ignorance. Two times could be a lapse in judgement and a failure to really understand the consequences of the first time. But three times?
And yes, I am Dad, and I know they love me. But that doesn't mean they respect me, ... and to a male, respect is the very foundation to loving him.
I didn't understand this until after the bomb and a lot of reading and soul-searching, and it's something that tends to be true for all men: You can love a man with what you think is all of your heart, but if you don't respect him, then you might as well not love him at all. It's not like this for most women, I know. A few, yes. But for most women it is the opposite than for men, love comes before respect.
So my insecurities and my depression and all my self-doubts stem from that erosion in respect that W had in me. Now that is gone, there's no getting it back, not from her. I believe that is the chief reason why that when women say its over, its over -- even they know instinctively that they cannot rekindle in themselves the spark of respect needed to love their spouses again.
My only concern in all the world now is to try to love and raise my sons. But with their mother in the picture, her disrespect -- not her mere lack of respect, but her utter contempt and dis-respect, conscious or not -- feeds into the disregard my sons are developing for me. I do not take their actions and behaviors personally -- they're just children and they cannot help it.
This is all just the consequences of my failure to command the dignity I was due all these years. Instead of practicing true humility and at the same time curbing any degree of disrespect that W built up for me, I tried to avoid conflict out of laziness and cowardice. I yielded to W when I should not have. I delegated to her a lot of the decisions in our home life, all under the misguided pretense of keeping peace. I allowed the problems to fester within us and the differences to widen the gap between us.
And now the chickens have come home to roost. And my children are continuing to pay the consequences for it.
And to top it all off, W now wants to bring her OM into their lives, to fill the fatherly gap she created when she dumped their father and proceeded to alienate him (me) from them.
No, I know this all sounds so dire and depressing -- and it is. But I am man enough to know how the deck is stacked, I just have to play the hand I've been dealt as best I can. I am realistic enough to know that there is a strong chance W will persist in alienating me further once she gets her beloved D. She seemed ridiculously surprised that I even wanted to be their father after she dropped the bomb, just as she had already made up in her own mind that I no longer loved her too.
I am not deterred, however. I've thought long and hard on this. Even were this to turn out for the worse, even if W were to succeed in alienating me from our S's, still I would take this action to pursue being their father, acting as their father -- I have nothing else more important to me. Nothing.
I may not like the terrain in which I am fighting this battle. But it is what it is.
Karen, I think that's the guy who wrote "Character Matters". I'm going to see if his books are at our local library branch.
Yep. I haven't read that one though. Was that good do you remember?? Raising Good children was interesting to me b/c when I was reading it it was like my dad (who raised me and my bro) had read it and followed it to a T. But I know he didn't. Just instinctively did this kind of parenting. If I could parent half as well as my dad, I'll be thrilled! I'm going to check the library for his books too!!!
Your MIL sounds like my MIL!!! They came to church Sunday. D9 sang in the children's choir and I was up front to join the church (yeah I know I should have done it sooner but didn't want to stand in front by myself so was waiting for more people to join with me). I looked for MIL after the service and didn't see her. They had us standing up front getting hugs and welcomes from everyone and MIL didn't come up. They didn't say anything to D9 after the service either. D9 tried to call him last night and he didn't answer the phone (battery was dead). Then he left a voicemail today telling D9 she looked cute and did great. Oh, sorry, forgot for a second this wasn't my thread!!!
Quote:
The really odd thing is that S7 had a perfect day in class. That would normally be cause for great celebration, especially since this is the first time he's ever gotten such a high remark. But this destructive behavior in the after-school program has cast that into oblivion.
I know that W is blaming me for S7's terrible behavior. I can't say that I blame her either -- all three of S7's incidents took place on my watch. If I didn't know better, I'd say that S7 is doing a pretty good job to ensure I no longer have a say in his life.
Some thoughts on this stuff. I've read in several books that this is kind of common. Children will struggle all day at school or daycare and be "good" and then when they get home with their parent(s) they act horribly. It's supposed to actually be a compliment to your parenting b/c they trust you enough to act their worse and know you will still love them. My S15 tells me tons of awful stuff re: to his depression and his thoughts on marriage and divorce and stuff and hasn't said a word on that to his dad. Doesn't trust his dad in my opinion or feel close enough to him or whatever.
I have had the same problem!!! Kids are always horrible I've noticed the day I get them back from H. Transitions are hard for AS children and believe this is very true!!! Also, D9 told me H kept them both up until 11 both nights he had them this week so I think some of this is just they are tired and cranky.... Karen
