It's Tx Mom.. 2nd thread.. trying to hold on...

[PositivelyMommy]

{{{{Tx}}}}, Amy is SOOOOO right!! You too are a great woman. Her comment 'Once you can figure out how to stop looking at yourself through only your H's (currently blurry) eyes, you'll be able to see what I see!' VERY INSIGHTFUL!

H is in the blame-game at the moment so he doesn't feel like a jerk for abandoning you and the kids.

It's easier to blame you than to look into himself and examine why your R fell apart for him.

It's laziness, a shortcut.

Don't do the same yourself. You take a good look at yourself. Don't believe EVERYTHING he says. Yes, you had problems. Yes, the marriage isn't perfect. But what relationship is? You KNOW you were not unreasonable. You KNOW you were a good wife. You didn't cheat, do drugs, have a gambling problem, were abusive to H or kids, were you? If not, then he has NO EXCUSE for his behavior. Period.

Like Amy said, H has blurry eyes. That's why DB suggests GAL, taking care of yourself and taking your focus off H. Then you will gain some peace and won't have to go on medication. Are you moody when you're not thinking about H and OW? Are you moody around other people? If not, then the problem is not about chemical imbalance, your problem is that you have a jerk for a H (sorry for being so blunt). Sorry, sorry. I am not saying you should give up or M or not. Just take a timeout from his antics and nurse yourself.

I promise, once you detach, you will feel a WHOLE lot better. Do what pleases you. Write a list of all the things you want to do but haven't tried, is it skydiving, singing lessons,kickboxing, salsa dancing? When I was at your stage, I took up knitting. It was great! Why? I didn't have to concentrate too hard, it was very therapeutic and kind of like meditation, slowed my heart-rate because of its repetitive nature. And I got these wondeful gifts for friends and family! Now, I don't need to knit anymore because I found that peace within myself most of the time. This will happen for you too. It just takes a little time. Be patient with yourself.

YOU are the most important person in the world! You are a GOOD PERSON. You are kind, caring and giving. You know that.

[TxMomw/2girls]

HI everyone,

boy it has been awhile since I posted on newcomers.

I guess when I don't feel the need to post every detail maybe I'm getting through the hard days a little easier.. not sure ... I think it is just to exhausting to post all the time.

Question-

My H asked me to go to lunch thursday to talk... said he hasn't been a good communicator and wanted to cover off schedules etc... (he has to date never asked me to lunch) I asked him what else he wanted to talk about? Was he going to give me D papers... he said NO.... we changed to meet Thursday at 5pm now and having our Nanny stay and watch the girls little late tomorrow.... I'm little nervous.....

I'm in this place where I feel I'm obsessing now about H and OW and I haven't done this until recently - last few weeks.. I can't shut my mind off now and I'm having dreams of him.

I feel I could probably never move passed everything he is done but I don't know how to make the pain go away... He is moving so fast with her.... going to her home town last weekend .... still picking her over his kids....

I know what you are thinking "take the focus off of H and OW" I really just don't want to see or talk to him EVER.... how can I stop seeing or talking to him when we have babies?? I feel overwhelming need to want answers from him .... something to help my healing process.. not sure he could really give me this anyhow...

Gosh the pain is unreal somedays....

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi {{{TxMom}}} Your thread in Infidelity locked so I wanted to answer it here. I hope you find it in time.

If he brings up anything you don't want to hear at lunch or that you are not ready to face yet, just say, 'Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me, I will need time to think this over.'

There's no rule that we have to agree and do everything they say. So honey, stall! Your DB coach is right, act 'as if' you're on a date. Be the best, prettiest, most charming self. Use that as a weapon to disarm him. And if he got the guts to drop another bomb, stall stall stall. Then act as if what he said is no big deal. Don't do the begging, crying, pleading thing again this time (180).

We are here for you. I know you are real nervous about this talk. He might want a D, but you know what, he can't get it in a week. So there really is no hurry for you to do anything. Just take your time and think things over.

If, on the other hand, he just wants to talk about schedule, then just do that and have some good food and enjoy yourself.

Don't panic yet. Keep your cool. Don't excessively worry about what may be the worse case scenerio. Better yet, how about you write yourself a list of the worse case scenerio for Thursday. Say, he serves you papers, then write down what you are going to do. Or he asks for the babies for Christmas and then write what you would say. Plan ahead so you don't get caught off-guard.

Then say to yourself, OK, if that is the worse case scenerio, and it's likely it won't happen, then you might feel a bit more calm. I know I'd feel better if I had a plan in hand. Just like a business meeting. Good luck!

[JWM]

TxMom, one of the DB coaches pointed me to a website that has some good articles on infidelity and healing. The website is http://www.beyondaffairs.com

I agree with PosMom. For anything he says just validate. If he says "The sky is green." "You say I understand you think the sky is green. I will need to think about the sky."

One other thing...he will be as nervous as you. In fact look for that...When he begins to discus what he wants to talk about...does he move too fast, movements too controlled, shaky hands, problems with voice, sweaty palms. If he is unsure of what he wants it will show in these non verbal clues. For instance if he begins to mirror you, he may be attracted to you or wants to agree with you.

No matter what...do just what PosMom said, "act 'as if' you're on a date. Be the best, prettiest, most charming self."

Also remember that nothing is ever decided in a single meeting. This one sounds like it is one where he wants to give you a list of demands. Take whatever he wants and tell him you will think about it and give him an answer in whatever time frame you want. You can decide when to have the next meeting and you can set the next agenda.

One last thought...think about what you need from him. Bomb him back if need be...but do it with a smile.

[PositivelyMommy]

JWM, Good job on the non-verbal clues! I will definitely look for those? Any other good tips for non-verbals?

[TxMomw/2girls]

Yeah,

My H will bite his lip and can't stand still or wants to walk away when he is uncomfortable... he does it all the time .. and won't make eye contact...

I switched the lunch to us meeting in the evening thought it would be more relaxed and I will need a drink in my hand. I really didn't want to do lunch... so we'll see... I'm not too nervous but I never thought of just recognizing his request and telling him I'll get back to you on that... I usually would answer or give my opinion....

It is going to be hard to play the "date" attitude b/c I'm really emoitonally hurt and don't feel like I even want him anymore... I"m finding it difficult to even look at him without feeling angry or sad for what he has done... I also am in that place of wanting answers from him.... I meet with my C Thursday at 1pm that is why I pushed my H back to after that so I can discuss with her some tactics...

I didn't talk to DB coach but Hope on my other thread said her coach recommended treating it like a date....

good input and I will make a list of what he might request and be prepared ...

[TxMomw/2girls]

OH and JWM I have been to http://www.beyondaffairs.com they have a local group that I actually attended the meeting this past Monday night.....

thanks for that info just in case I hadn't heard of it.

[JWM]

TxMom, I'm down in Austin and we don't have a group here.

Regarding the non-verbals, you probably already know what they are as you said. Just be open to seeing them. If you are well prepared emotionally, you can play him like a violin...I'm a guy...I know how you women are. ;-)

[Amy M]

TxMom!!! Just wanted to say, "hello." You've already gotten great advice here. Just focus on following it!!! I'll be sending up prayers for your meeting.

Hugs to you!
Amy

[Little Engine]

My H will bite his lip and can't stand still or wants to walk away when he is uncomfortable... he does it all the time .. and won't make eye contact...

So you can pick up on this cue, how can you use it to your advantage? If you acknowledge that H is uncomfortable, and he is, then he knows you are concerned about him.

I never thought of just recognizing his request and telling him I'll get back to you on that... I usually would answer or give my opinion....

Good chance to 180 here and show H you respect his requests and want to give it a sincere answer. Also, keeps you from taking the bait or getting emotional within the situation. Removes H's ability to control. If that is new ground for him, that is a good place for you. Show's H that TxMom has changed and it isn't business as usual.

I also am in that place of wanting answers from him....

No expectations here! You've done this in the past, and it didn't work!

Prepare for the worst and hope for the best! If he brings you D papers, he is expecting you to get emotional and break down. If you don't and are just pleasant and cut the meeting short, what is he going to think? Don't get mad, or cry, just say something like "I'm sorry that you think this is the answer, I disagree, but I will give you what you want." Look at what is going on with me. W filed in August and last week postponed it! Just because D has been filed doesn't mean as much as when D is final!