No it wasn't a great interaction, but these things happen and you shouldn't beat yourself up. You haven't blown your chance for friendship IMO. Are you getting a ride back with him too? Just, and I know this is easier said than done, take this next opportunity to show him your calm, collected self. I wouldn't apologize or bring things up again. Just show him that that was a once-off thing.
Also don't assume that OW has "won". You still know that all signs point to her just being a bandaid. Be what she is not, the calm, collected person who he can really talk to. He said he loves talking to you. This is what my H said too before things improved. It's a way to friendship, and if this is going to eventually workout for you, I think you have to start with that.
I know it's a tall order, but can you have some fun this weekend? If nothing else think about how it will give you something to talk about in the car with your ex...
Thinking of you, ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
How are you today? I think overall the interaction sounds like it was good, except for the teeny backslide at the end. Don't beat yourself up about it- everyone backslides sometimes and it's never the end of the journey.
I (like ITH) hope you have some fun stuff planned for this weekend. Try not to think about what happened with BF (I kow it's hard).
I liked T's questions about whether the R talk was something that would be difficult to avoid in the future. I know you felt as though having a talk would help you move on previously, but reading your post I'm not sure if it really did help at all. It sounds as though BF can't handle dealing with you being upset, or trying to reassure you. I guess the lesson is no more R talks initiated by you....
What I would say is that whatever happened it doesn't mean the OW has won. This isn't a competition situation where BF is the prize that one or the other of you get to win. You know he's having a hard time at the moment, and that he's in an MLC. Try to remember that- with time and patience on your part he'll get through the tunnel. The question is whether you can put your needs on hold for long enough to allow him to make his journey.
The advice you have gotten from everyone so far has been exceptionally good and I don't really have anything else to add other than (((((((((((((((((Ali))))))))))))))))))))).
Please have fun this weekend. Don't let one bad interaction with BF undermine your happiness. You are home! You are surrounded by the people who love you! Absorb that love and use it for your strength. You are such a beautiful, lovely woman Ali. Let it shine through and it will overcome everything!
Take care sweetie!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hey everyone, thankyou sooooo much...thanks for reading all that! I'll update you in a min.
Jeff - Yes, it really struck me how guilty he feels! The "I just want you to be happy" freaked me out. He kept saying, its ok and its alright and dont be silly and all kinds of reassuring noises (as usual). My Mum said, the most telling thing he said was "I dont really know what I'm doing Al, I dont know what I'm about".. she said, he is not being very clear, woolley, but yes, he is with her. My Mum doesnt think he's in love with her, but like yuo say, he doesnt want to hurt her now either! I think it may have caused trouble, driving me home.
T - Thing is I DIDNT get upset! I think he is talking about himself a bit (projecting) when he keeps saying sorry for upsetting me, it upsets you so much to see me. I wasnt tearful, he was! No, defo dont think I should, or have the right, it happened, first time all year!.. I couldnt stand the pretence/mask wearing anymore, but it was like drowning.. fighting ineffectually for safe ground. I was talking about last week and that it was worrying for me and thats what triggered it all. I think I will definetly speak to him again, yes!!
MrsM.. I guess I had assumed he DOES know what he wants (her now).. but maybe he is not so happy with her. He doesnt look happy and his exczema is now really bad on his hands/arms. I thikn I do have to let him go, altogether. Its upsetting us both now, sad hey.
Hi Purr.. I agree with you, I had to say SOMETHING. I didnt handle it well, but it was time and I am glad I let him know I still love him (when I said "because of how I feel"). I wanted to try and connect, not just accept the ow and act like I dont mind. It isnt fair though, that he led me on till August and then started dating her. Its been so tough for me. But he is so kind and caring, yes, he is a good catch for her! Damn.
ITH - no, I'm back Monday and hes away till next Saturday from today with 5 other guys. He was impressed with me meeting up with old friends on FB from school (so unlike me) and my job stuff. He also got upset when I told him my BFF Hs Dad is dying soon, it really affected him, I knew it would.
Lisa - its strange how he offered to talk when he is back, I couldnt believe that. I was also shocked when he announced "I miss you, I love talking to you Al".. as that was unprompted by me. He also didnt say anything concrete about himself, or her, the whole talk, so that confuses me. But yes, I have to step back now. Also.. back to the point I made to T.. I didnt initiate the talk last Tuesday and he was way more upset and cried more than me. He was teary last night. So its in him isnt it, theres still an emotional connection??
Thanks for the hugs Mihka, everyone. Am seeing old friends later...
So...back to me. I was upset last night, I told it all to my Mum, who made more sense of it. HE was the one that started the "are you ok?" and are you sure.. he asked me like 4 times. My Mum said, why did he keep doing that to you? Its a bit unfair.. I was ok! I wasnt tearful at all (he was teary), I was a bit quiet when he said no to the drink...in the end, as he kept asking me, I said, well are YOU ok?? And thats what started the convo about last Tuesday. He was happy to pull into the layby and to hug.
So, my Mum also said, why is he so emotional with you? Yes he is gone and with her, but he doesnt seem to be able to let go of you either. He's very woolley.
I had meant to say the "I love you, if you are happy with her, then I will leave you to it, but the door is always open" speech..but it came out all wrong! My Mum said, but he told you he'd talk to you when he got back.. so just send him a light text to diffuse what happened.
He was out with his brother, so I texted him at 10pm along the lines...Hope you have a good holiday and get to relax. Didnt mean to get emotional, but I am ok, thanks for driving me back, I enjoyed the chat and average cd's!
So... wasnt expecting a response and didnt get one last night. Glad I did it though.
Then this morning, he texted me at 8.30 am ! (when he got up)...
Hi Al, tried to reply to you last night, but this fancy dan phone ran out of fancy dan battery. Have a good weekend, I hope BFF and H are ok. I am thinking of H. Speak when I'm back. *Name*
...so yet again, a little hook, reeling my hope back in, to text me, like my Mum said, when he first got up, you were on his mind. Or.. is he just being nice. So.. knew my BFF H's dad thing would get to him, he is thikning of him, but also, of himself (and empathising no doubt) and he has gone off on holiday thinking about this guys Dad dying by Christmas. I'm off to see them myself now...
I'm sorry I was away, but now that I'm caught up I do want to say that you've blown nothing and this isn't something where you've "lost" and she's "won." This isn't a contest b/c if it were, there would be fair and objective rules that you could follow. There are no rules here. Besides, if you did actually "lose" that would mean that you are the one to blame for his behavior. Remember you have zero control over what he does/doesn't do, so you can't accept the blame for his actions.
I'm also still concerned by your assuming and I do hope you will be able to meet up again soon so you can tell him you love him, but will let him go free. It sounds as if that is the step you really need to take here so you can let yourself go. It seems as if you are the one who really needs to be freed from this, but as long as you are assuming and guessing what his actions mean or don't mean then you're still tied up in knots.
Closure will be better for you than for him. It will allow you to move forward w/ everything off your chest. Once you can truly let him go, then you'll be able to move through the proper phases to get you moving again.
I myself just finally understood that getting a life is for me and me alone. I've been allowing myself to be held back by me until just recently and it has been incredibly freeing to be able to look forward for myself.
Enjoy the rest of your time w/ your family and friends. I hate seeing you in such pain, my dear and I can only pray it will be sooner rather than later that you'll be able to move out of this and on to "Ali time."
Hey RTL! Thanks for your concern! I think he got what I meant, when I said, I'm such a fool, you must think me an idiot for all this, for how I feel.. I think it was obvious! I am glad I said it, I dont regret it.
So tonight I saw another good friend of 10 years.. the wife of my ex's oldest BMF. We had a great evening. She told me they havent seen my ex since he came home last in August, that she didnt know anything that could help me (I didnt ask!) and that she felt sorry for her H as he doesnt speak to my ex much anymore...
She said he textd her H last night to say he was out drinking in town.. that his BMF turned to her disgusted and said, is he ever going to grow up? That she hoped H and him would have time for some heart to hearts on holiday, she thinks my ex is very screwed up - he's 35 and acting like he's in his early twenties and whats he playing at? I didnt get a strong impression she knew about helen, nor did I mention it (not my place).
..so he has been seeing her 3 months, but he hasnt been home in all that time, nor with her. I met this BMF and W on our first date.. my ex was so excited to go public and wanted me to meet ALL his friends.. I met the whole gang, date 1. So.. I just felt a bit vindicated and pleased by this news!!! Silly I know.
Nothing silly about it--it's validating to see other people's experiences and reactions toward him, because it verifies that so much of this is about him. My experience with my ex (don't like that term!) is that even though I want good things for her, in another way I want to hear about life being bad / stressful / not a bed of roses / etc. Perhaps it is not very mature, but that's how I feel at this point. That may or may not fit your experience though!
Great to hear that you have been keeping up social connections with others! This is something you've been really good at, Ali. Keep it up!
