it's funny, because i remarked to my mom the other day "you hear about all the scandulous breakups, but you never hear about those that stay together"
Isn't that so true! I wonder why that is?
It's great, kewlkitti, that you know so many couples that DID survive. It would be interesting to hang out with these couples, and just kind of watch what goes on between them now. Maybe to see some of their interactions together, just for a little inspiration, and get some tips on learning how to "imitate success".
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
my theory on this is: i read a statistic somewhere that said that 50% of marriages end up in divorce but 80% of marriages suffer infidelity sometime in the marriage - so it shows there are at least 30% that aren't getting divorced. so my theory is that people work past it, and they do so QUIETLY. so the important thing to remember when suffering thru this kind of sitch is to not tell the world what happened. you have a better time of reconciliation when not many know about it. just my thought.
Quote: It's great, kewlkitti, that you know so many couples that DID survive. It would be interesting to hang out with these couples, and just kind of watch what goes on between them now. Maybe to see some of their interactions together, just for a little inspiration, and get some tips on learning how to "imitate success".
it's amazing jj - i have known these couples for YEARS and never would have suspected a thing, but some that had found out about my sitch and have now offered comfort to me with a resounding "don't give up" "give him and YOU time" "don't do anything for 6 months" - all these words of encouragement have been BLESSINGS because in just short of three months, i am already seeing changes
I re-read the marriage map and I've revised my answer. I think I'm somewhere between 4 and 5. I am relieved that step 1, Passion is likely to return after 5.
I just LOVE when I see people "gettin' it" like you're doing!!
I DO think think that the step #1 of "passion prevails" has to fit in within ALL of the other steps! And not just as something that you "let" happen, but something that you "make" happen!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quote: "Most people can survive infidelity and can, in fact, make their marriage stronger once they work through the issues infidelity has brought into their lives."<hr /></blockquote>
I sure hope this is true! My H and I have been separated for 8 months, he still lives with his sister and sees OW. Is this a sign that our M can not work? Or should I give my H more time? He still comes over here, but not very often. When I first told him I didn't want a D; 1) we gave each othe hugs and sometimes kisses 2) he came over more He doesn't seem to want to do any of the above. I don't know if it is him or me. Did he feel hope and now thinks we can't get back together? Here I am assuming again! Why can't I stop this bad behavior of assuming.Everytime we get closer he backs off.
Quote: Has your opinion about the chances of a marriage surviving through infidelity changed from what you may have thought before it happened to you? Possibly went from "no way", to "maybe"?
I have gone from "no way" to better than "maybe", I think we can make this better than before. I would never have thought I would have stayed with H. And I did go and file for a D. My H has to forgive me for that. As long as he is seeing the OW how can we go anywhere in our R. I feel like he wants his cake and eat it too. But I haven't slept with H since he left. I just have a feeling I'm going about this wrong, that I'm missing the key to us getting back together. He never wanted a D, and says,"whatever makes you happy", he has never said he doesn't love me. So why aren't we getting back together? I think I need to change before he is willing to try and I think he needs to give up OW. We are at a catch 22 and that is why we can't work on rebuilding our M. His sister is no help as she is the OW friend and is against me. Any things you can ask to push me in the right direction or make me think? Deb
Most people are much happier in their second marriages because they've learned from their mistakes."
How many people do you know that believe this to be true? (Not counting anybody in the entertainment industry?! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif" alt="" /> )
How many of you know people that are in your second, third, or even fourth marriage, who keep making the same "mistakes"? That maybe all they have learned is to get a better pre-nuptual agreement up front?!
I know of A LOT of people that have remarried and are not happy infact not only do they make the same mistakes, they are adding more. Why? because they bring more baggage and lay it on their new H's. Added family members seem to bring more fights!
Quote: What are your thoughts about when Michele says "Unless you understand that "marriage" doesn't make people happy, you will spend the rest of your life trading in marital partners for new ones."?
I was happy with my M but I new it can't be perfect. A satisfying M can make you content and happy. But I don't think we should rely on M being our universe. That's what I did; my life was my M, and look what happened, I totally feel about when my H had an A. M is alot of work you can get much fulfilment from a M, but it should be your everything! I think you need to be satisfied with who you are before you can have a satisfying R with your S. But, this isn't easy as I was brought up that your H and family come first, so my life was built around M and family.
Quote: I went to pick up a pizza for my guys at work, and there was this elderly couple there, must have been in their eighties. They were having a little birthday party for the husband, and it just really touched me how loving they were towards each other. Growing old together was something that my wife and I always envisioned and talked about, and, at that particular time, it didn't look like that was going to happen. I had to step outside of the place, and have a little breakdown in my car.
It's great to now be able to joke again about us moving to a one-bedroom place, and not leaving a forwarding address with the kids!
Have a lot of those moments. I was looking forward to growing old with my H also, I hope it will happen. But right now it is up to my H, even though he doesn't know that I want to work on our M.
