Post Finale

[faithisbelieving]

TNP....wtg. I am getting to where you are. You sound good. Keep up the good work. FIB

[SingleDad]

Jeff - thanks for your post on my stich... I read yours here... So sorry that this is so hard on you years later. I'm sure it will continue to be for me as well.

Our WAW's just do not seem to understand the break-up of the family and the future and the dreams we had.

Harder still when we have to pass a child between homes and have regular conversations with our ex.

Seems her death would have been easier to bear - no constant reminders - and financially easier too.

I feel your pain... but we have no choice but to move ahead with our lives.

[Jeff223]

Hey Paul. I will be looking for that update. You sound good - better than I considering we are both 3-yrs post bomb. My birthday is Monday. I got bombed when I turned 50 so I hope your 50 is better than mine was.

Thanks for stopping by SDad. Yes, all we can do is do the best we can given the hand we were dealt.

Nothing much to report. Feel better but still stuck. Kind of in a rut - work, eat, read, sleep (sleeping a lot). Also a bit down since the holidays are upon us. I will not see my kids this Thanksgiving. That sucks. I do get them for Christmas (20 Dec through 25 Dec at 6:00 pm) but it still hurts that they do not have a whole family to share Christmas morning with. This is not the first year but it still hurts.

In fact, the Thanksgiving - Christmas period was always a favorite - now I dread it and feel the failure, my failure.

I will do the best I can and shoot for after Christmas to get my life in order. I have to get the house fixed and I have to get off my a$$ and do those GAL things I want to do. Like FIB says, springtime is rebirth - but I plan to start Dec 26th.

Little interaction with former W and that is okay with me. She did call Sunday to tell me that D7's ears were infected (she recently got them pierced) and that an earring backer had skin around it. She started to cry and said she should have checked D7 closer. I told her it was not her fault and that D7 would be fine once she goes to the doctor. But former W freaked out - I listened and calmed her down.

I guess she had no one else to call.

After they returned from the Doc she was happy at first (D7 was fine) but then got cold again - "I called just b/c I thought you should know".

The next day she emailed me on a different topic but added a "thank you for being understanding yesterday".

My son also told me that former W and the kids took my mom out to dinner Monday (it was my mom's birthday last week - # 91). Interesting that former W would do that. Can't figure; I thought she cut that string too.

Overall, I wish she would just leave things alone.

I do get to see my kids on my Birthday. S11 is spending the night but D7 wants to go home to mom after cake. D7 is not handling this at all well. Last night she was talking about the "time you and mom split". It sucks.

All for now.

[faithisbelieving]

...and again....we have no choice Jeff. To repeat what you tell me all the time..this was her choice.

This takes time Jeff. I had a terrible inner emotional backslide this week...thinking of the ways I 'blew' my marriage. I've gone back to reading Cunningham's stuff and, perhaps, this has opened up old wounds. I think constantly of all the things I could have done to keep our M fresh. Then....I tell myself...that...she could have helped save this too.

Stay strong, my friend. You circled a day on the calender. Another phrase that you use with me: come up with a plan...to dig out.

FIB

[WCW]

Bomb at 50 plus 3 = 53 on Monday! Happy Birthday!

an earring backer had skin around it. She started to cry and said she should have checked D7 closer. I told her it was not her fault

You're too gracious. Sure it was her fault!

I will do the best I can and shoot for after Christmas to get my life in order.

Why wait to join the procrastinators club next week? Do at least ONE thing different now to change your rut. You might like it.

What are you cooking for Thanksgiving? got any good potato recipes?

[faithisbelieving]

Jeff...have a very Happy Thanksgiving. I am grateful to have you as a friend. You DO have a lot to be thankful for. FIB

[faithisbelieving]

Checkin' in Jeff..how are you? FIB

[WCW]

Yeah, what FIB said!

Naughty or nice?

[Jeff223]

Yesterday was the longest night of the year. It felt like it. The Romans used to celebrate (in raunchy fassion) the return of the sun god this time of year to prepare themselves for the winter ahead. The Catholic church established a different celebration for this time of year.

In any event, I feel the darkness of the nights and the short days. Christmas is not a happy one this year for many reasons: a broken family, a freefall economy, my job being at risk, and my emotional state at a real low.

So, I look to the future. I think I feel the bottom, but things can get a lot blacker.

My kids and I watched a holiday movie last night. After the movie we put on one of the kids channels on TV. We caugth the end of a show - the parents were explaining to their kids that while the kids hoped that mom and dad would get back together, they were not ... how it was all for the best ... how they were still a "family" ... you can fill in the rest. At one point one of these so-called adults said that when parents are separated the kids get twice the gifts

It made me sick to my stomach. That is the message we are giving our kids - that divorce is the right way to go, no one gets hurt, twice the gifts, a family is not two people who love and support each other and raise kids with real values - it is two separate *adults* doing what is "best" only for themselves.

-----

My shopping is done and I do get the kids through Christmas evening. We will have fun.

Merry Christmas all. And a wish for a wonderful year to all.

Strength and Honor.

[still hopeful]

Hello Jeff,

I am saddened to read your story. However, your stregnth of conviction is VERY encouraging and reminds me that I am not alone in my mission to turn 'things' around.

My XW, when we first split, would listen to her group of M cancer 'friends' who would support her in helf destructive decisions and pat her on the head for another 'good job.' Mind you, I did make my mistake, but XW's only real view of me was XW's one-sided account of anything and everything that happened between us.

But I digess, XW began our separation by telling me that divorce was not THAT big a deal to the children involved. I was pissed when I heard that line of BS, as I know it came from one of her M cancer friends and was just another pat on the head to XW to assure her that her decision to NOT work to reconcile was the best decision.

I told XW, I don't know which one of your idiot friends told you this line of BS, but EVERYTHING that I have read about the impact of D on children is that a D is a defining time in their lives that they will carry forward into adulthood. I assured XW that it was THAT BIG A DEAL for our children AND for her and I. The conversation didn't escalate into a fight. She figured that I was coming from a place of wanting to work on reconciling our M, and she was right. Sadly, she has continued to run from reality and keep herself buffered from stopping, thinking, and feeling anything with a string of BFs and circling her wagon train of 'friends' around her to keep ALL of the reality 'danger' out.

At this point, we are coming up on 3 years since we split, and 1.5 years of being D. I am very sad about the whole thing, and yet I still hold out hope that my wish and efforts to prepare the terrain for our eventual reconcile is in keeping with my belief that I am in line with bending my will to my God's will, and NOT the other way around.

I agree with you, my friend, that much of society has cheapened M, similar to the television portrayal you watched. M used to be about us. People used to fight for their M first. Now, many people fight for themselves first, and for the survival of their M, not at all. The media plays into this selfish siphoning of family/marital values and sells it as entertainment. My situation saddens me, but the deterioration of the moral fiber of society saddens me even more.

I know that I contributed to the demise of my M over time. However, one of the great things about being human is our ability to reflect on the 'wrongs' in our past behavior and conscious decisions to change and conscious efforts to make those decisions to change our reality.

Lastly, I know I cannot change XW; not her feelings, not her decisions to grow, not her wish to reconcile. Instead, I focus on changing me and I've come a long way to date. That's my gift to me and my children. I'm not perfect, but as Vince Lombardi once said, "Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence."

I strive for perfection, knowing that excellence IS attainable.

Strength and honor, my friend.

Tom