It's Tx Mom.. 2nd thread.. trying to hold on...

[TxMomw/2girls]

Thanks Tawnya, Amy, LE, PM, FR, imLin, ST.. and anybody I missed...

Ok Amy to answer your questions... I have seen an attorney and understand my rights but still not what I expected .. I've told my H this as well that he will need to pay more than the courts will make him pay... I travel for my job and sometime next year I would have to change jobs, probably make less money to get out of sales and not travel as much b/c I can't split my weekends every month and still be gone 6-8 days a month on business trips... this mean I have to buy a car, cell phone .. all my expenses in my business are paid for, company car, cell, internet, etc... so enough on this but it will make all this tough to transition on top of going through a Divorce. but who said life is easy... I've been blessed with a great life and with lots of blessings too over the years..

I have looked for other houses in a few other neighborhoods that my kids will still like and in the school district we are in now.. tough time of year but I feel we'd be able to find something so not extremely worried on this...

LE - good point on te 180's ... I know right when he moved out he noticed my 180's with the kids, acting 'as if' and not questioning him as much on what he is doing with kids etc... just 'trusting' him to make the right decisions.. My H and I both work from home so I moved down in his office (the actual office in the room) and I moved the guest bed stuff into my old office which was a bedroom... so my new baby's room is just hers with no guest bed in it... I noticed when I got home Sunday that he had gone in the guest room because the door was open to see what I had done... so I'm GAL and moving on.. rearranging things in the house...

I'm also trying to plan a trip to Austin or LA to visit friends so when I get that coordinated he'll be surprised I'm sure.. I need to get out of town... my C told me too, try to figure out what the shock factor would be to him, what 180 would get him wondering... the only thing would be if I moved, or started dating, that I could think of... although my friend and I have thought of taking golf lessons and a girls golf league.. my H is a big golfer so he'd notice this too..

anyhow, I feel better today... not talking with him yesterday helped and this week I'm really going to detach... of course he didn't call to talk to our daughter so we'll see when he decides to reach out.

you are all the best!!!!

[imLIN]

Yep...I so remember when I couldn't believe that the pain I was feeling was ever ever going to get better...I could not imagine life without H feeling good!...but as everyone says (said) it did start happening...you have to grieve the loss of this marriage...even if you work things out later, this marriage as you know it is over...grieve it...and GAL...this is how you start feeling better...
I wish I still had the email that my H sent me...he was ready to marry the OW even though he only had been with her 2 times!...most of what he knew about her was from her...online!...
I read something the other day about men who have cheated...most information in the past was gathered from women on why their H's cheated...this one was from the H's point...it was very interesting...

Reasons Why Men Cheat

Most didn't cheat for sexual reason...So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about physical intimacy: Only 8 percent of men said that physical dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity. "Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is to have physical intimacy with someone," Neuman says. "But men are emotionally driven beings too. They want their wives to show them that they're appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they're trying to get things right." The problem is that men are less likely than women to express these feelings, so you won't always know when your guy is in need of a little affirmation. "Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on the back, which is why their emotional needs are often overlooked," Neuman says. "But you can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness -- and once you set the tone, he's likely to match it."

66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.

The implications are a little scary: It isn't just uncaring jerks who cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they'd be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn't done it, Neuman says. Clearly, guilt isn't enough to stop a man from cheating. "Men are good at compartmentalizing feelings," Neuman explains. "They can hold on to their emotions and deal with them later." So even if your partner swears he would never cheat, don't assume it can't happen. It's important for both of you to take steps toward creating the relationship you want.

77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.

Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he's subconsciously telling himself: "My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it." You can't simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values -- it'll create an environment that supports marriage.40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.

"Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts," Neuman says. "That's another reason why it's so critical that he feel valued at home." Luckily, there's a clear warning sign that your husband is getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae should go up -- and it's time for the two of you to set boundaries about what is and isn't okay at work, Neuman says. Is it acceptable for him to work late if it's only him and her? Can they travel together to conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a project? Ask him what he'd feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague.

Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.

In other words, a man doesn't stray because he thinks he'll get lucky with a better-looking body."

In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void," Neuman says. "He feels a connection with the other woman, and physical intimacy comes along for the ride." If you're worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering how to please him physically. (But know that physical intimacy does matter -- it's one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)

Only 6% of cheating men had physical intimacy with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.

Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see the warning signs before infidelity occurs -- you might even see it coming before he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He spends more time away from home, stops asking for physical intimacy, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating, especially if nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take charge of what you can control -- your own behavior -- and take the lead in bringing your relationship to a better place. Don't hesitate to show your appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate affection more. Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And be open about how you feel about what's going on between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties). Try "I think we've started to lose something important in our relationship, and I don't want it to disappear." In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on your relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you.

I saw myself in some of this...but I am fortunate...after about 2 years apart and a MLC that lasted nearly 7 years! My H is home and recommitted...

I know the BIG issue for many here is HOW do you EVER trust them again...it does take time...but actions do speak louder then words...I can tell you that I just know my H isn't in that state of mind anymore...am I 100% positive it will NEVER happen again...I won't be that stupid...I don't think you can ever be 100% sure of anything...but right now I am sure that he is being faithful and truthful with me...and I am doing a lot of the right things now to affair proof our marriage...I do what I can to make him feel good about being with me...and I am reaping the rewards...bottom line...he didn't marry the OW...she is out of his life for good...no matter how much he tried to convince me how deep their relationship was...how in love they were...how perfect she was...the proof is here and now...

And...even if H had not come home...I would be leading a happy life with my 3 kids...I would be surrounded by my best friends...ones that love me...it would be great!...I was not counting on my H's return to get happy...I became happy...and content with my life...and you can too

Lin

[TxMomw/2girls]

thanks imLIN,,,

I had read Newmans book too.... nice reminder so thanks for typing all this up again.

Yeah I know for my H it is emotional needs that he wasn't getting (remember pregnant and just had baby) hard to focus on H as much during this time ... but I do believe it has a lot more to do with the straying spouse and his own issues, not loving himself,etc... than it is about what he didn't get from marriage and throw a possible MLC or depression in the mix... but definitely think you can take steps to affair proof your marriage... hind sight 20/20 right..

We hung out with all married couples and all or most of all of his friends are married too... but he met this girl through work and my H's line of business puts him situations that could be dangerous if vulerable... and sure enough.

Today I really feel good and moving on.. I will continue to grieve my old husband and our relationship and future we won't have.... and to your point if he comes back, and is saved by the good lord, then we'll see but definitely not counting on it.. I will stop all talks - I hope at least - of OW and R because it only hurts that he has moved on so quick in his mind...

I feel like I might need to move on toward filing to protect me and kids... although I'm praying about it and going to sit on it this week.. but I want to be protected financially and he is starting to spend quite a bit.

[imLIN]

I don't know about the law in TX but here in Ca you can file for a legal seperation to protect from the financial aspects of seperated spouses actions...that is what I did and I am very glad I did as he ran up over 200K in debt!!!...yep, you read that number correctly! Now if he files Bankruptcy he will owe the IRS taxes on that money because they view it as income if you don't repay it!!!...his problem, not mine

MLC is a very odd thing...never believed in it until I saw my H get into it...and he went full steam ahead once it got rolling with the EA turned PA...personally I think they have to run as fast as they can to keep up with themselves and not look back...not see or feel the path of distruction that they are leaving...my H told me he raised the girls and laid a good foundation for our son so they would all be fine without him!!!

The worst day after the bomb was the one when "I" had to tell the kids that their dad snuck out in the middle of the night because he couldn't face them...

So my point is as bad as all of this seems...and as lost as your H is right now...and as "things appear" to you...it really isn't over yet...his moving on...is running from reality but like the tortoise and the hair...reality has a way of catching up with the fantasy...slowly but surely...that is when you will know what your H is really made of...until then just be you...focus on the kids...work on yourself...self improvement is the best emotional boost you can give yourself and your children...

Lin

[Little Engine]

TxMom--Glad you are doing better today. I think we have awful days to make us appreciate the better ones when they come. Regarding 180's and the golf thing, is that something you've wanted to do, or is it just a ploy to get H thinking? The dating thing scares me to death, I am not ready to go to that extreme. Is that something you are considering? Would H see that as you moving on or a threat? I'm sure that has been rolling around in your mind? I'm kind of surprised C would mention that, but they are the professionals. Keep up the PMA!

[imLIN]

I forgot to add...your comment about

but I do believe it has a lot more to do with the straying spouse and his own issues, not loving himself,etc... than it is about what he didn't get from marriage and throw a possible MLC or depression in the mix

is in the same line as what I was dealing with...but remember, if they are truly in a MLC with their own issues they are going to be looking even more for those emotional boosts...
I hope you are not getting down on yourself for not meeting those emotional needs...most women totally understand that when you have children you are spread pretty thin...and it is not uncommon for this to happen...and absolutely no excuse for an affair!!!
I know for my H it was a lot of undealt with childhood issues ( I used to think this was all bunk too...again, until I saw first hand what it did to my H)...and I also have noticed the more severe the childhood issues...the more severe the MLC seems to be...

Lin

[LolaL]

Hi TxMom: I read your thread, or pieces of it, on the suggestion of a friend of mine who peruses the board.

First, I am a paralegal in El Paso, Texas, and although I cannot offer legal advice, I can quote the law, so if you have questions, please feel free to ask.

Second, I didn't read all of your thread, but wanted to ask...

Ever heard of a Midlife Crisis? Sounds like your H. My H is doing the same thing right now, and although I am not seasoned at it yet, I can offer some things I have learned from others who are, if you would like.

Until then, I have one question. Can you forgive your H for the PA?

[TxMomw/2girls]

Thanks for jumping in Lola..

LE - my C didn't say for me to date at all she just asked me what could I do that would shock him, what 180... I said if he saw me dating someone... and no I don't want to date.. but at times I do feel like I wish I had a friend to hang with.. but I have no emotion to give.

Lola, I think it is hard to say if I could forgive H... I really believed I could but what I struggle with is his abandonement and just up and leaving without trying to work on it...that would be my fear and my struggle over the affair itself... I really think my H is struggling so the affair is somewhat minor in comparsion to the choices he's made since exposure, what he has done to the kids, etc... but I also don't believe he'll come back anytime soon - if ever.. only time will tell.

imLIN - in tx there is no legal separation... only way to protect is to file a motion... and I'm with you I do struggle with titles... like MLC and what is it really? do we just put a name to something to make us feel better? It is easier for me to copy knowning that this all might be called something like MLC...

Like LE has learned... through crisis you really really take a good look at who you've been married too and there are some charactertics that not sure my H would get help on to ever make this work... or want to look at himself... childhood issues too...

I also have moments where I feel I'm done in my heart... especially now that people through their work and mutual friends are finding out I feel my pride standing up and not sure when everyone knows that I could take him back..without God literally saving him and performing a miracle... once again it would be just that a miracle that would bring him back...

I'm sure in another day I'll be sad or grieving again but I do like my good days and the feel good - not being angry or sad.. nice place to be today.... although my H hasn't called to check on the kids the last two days which isn't normal but what do you do...

thanks as always for posting... Lola do you have a post? fill us in and any advice you have regarding MLC is always welcomed... sorry you are here too...

[JWM]

TxMom, his "new love" high is probably wearing off soon. He will see what he has and what he lost. 90% of these type of affairs don't make it. It is hard but this is the time to work on yourself...become the "other woman." Enjoy your time for you.

[LolaL]

TxMom you can find me in separated, but I don't post very often anymore on my own thread. Just when there is an update...

The first sign of an MLC begins with the spouse almost changing overnight. One day (or hour for that matter) you have this wonderful, loving spouse, and the next minute all of a sudden they are telling you your whole relationship has been a sham.

From what I have read, and remember I am new at MLC, it takes a long time, and A LOT of patience and forgiveness. Only you can decide whether you can weather the storm.